Funny facts

What after two years of intermittent blogging here?

I read more than I write. Or comment. I wish I could be a professionnal reader sometimes.

No kidding.

I feel more at ease talking truely about myself on a forum, or here, than in real life. I still like better listen to other people's stories.

It prevents people from asking questions I am not willing to answer.

The reason I am disclosing (parts of) my life to strangers over the internet is still mysterious. I thought first I was a writer. Two years and a half of writer's block lead me to think better of it. Maybe the very reason is that I can complain and whine away without bothering anyone. As for the people chosing to comment, it means they really care. Up to me to answer. Or not. I think it is a fair solution. And no one really knows where truth ends, where fiction begins.

And it prevents me from thinking and brewing too many dark thoughts.






See ya all in 2007 !

Les Bienveillantes

Okay...

I started to read that monster of a Goncourt prize...I knew it was gonna talk about war, about a nazi's confessions, so nothing to do with Harry Potter fighting the evil wizard Tom Jedusor...

Guess it is toooo tooo early to give something of an opinion, let's say I like the fact that this book really have you wondering about what you believe in. Especially the innuendos about "don't blame me, were you at my place, you would have done the same".

Guess everyone around here, even I, would say NO WAY !! But I also remember a well known experiment, the Milgram one.

I hope I can finish the book, and see what the author's purpose was meant to be.


* * *

Reading a post by a fellow blogger I have a bad feeling... Don't tell me it is C or G who closed their his blog?

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

Or the title-to-be of the last Harry Potter book !!


more infos here

Christmas loot

Murakami Haruki : "Hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world"
Murakami Haruki: " Dance dance dance"
Murakami Haruki :" Blind willow, sleeping woman"

I missed the job again...


Ah...well...


but there are anther perspective so wait and see !!... ^*^

The weather is fairly damp, and the city looks a bit sad, but hey it's almost Christmas, and everyone should be happy happy... Ah maybe the people at FNAC shop do not react alike, to them 15 minute's queing that's far too much, even if they hold what could be someone's favourite Christmas present. I take a book out my bag, and start reading, pacing slowly toward the cashier. I got three Murakami's for Xmas, but I am supersticious and do not wanna open them before Santa's officially visited my place.

There is too much people around for me too feel allright though, but it's ok, I cope with it. I slither amongst the crowd in St Catherine's palce, I like it better last year anyway... Everything, even the new light show on the Grand Place feels like déjà vu, maybe i'd like better more Santa's and less void.

Blogger upgrade !!

Finally switched to the old beta-blogger, which is now Blogger, and which promises lots of improvements.

aha, show me what you got, baby!

*edit*

===NEW HOMEPAGE===

click the smiley below hehe !!

*aouch* *aouch* *aouch*

wisdom teeth, or what I assume are wisdom teeth, hurts alot... so today's schedule is gonna be rest, rest, rest, and rest.

current infatuation: CSI Las Vegas

footage: "Grave danger" season 5, final
music: "Iris", by the Goo goo dolls
credits: CBS and Rhysenn@Youtube

16:37 PM

I turn the TV on, hoping that its noise will make time pass faster....Of course it won't, well, not as fast as I'd want it to be. I am waiting for him, I feel like I am waiting forever. I don't want to talk, because I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am okay, I guess I am, I am healthy, I am cute, and I am in love...But I am worried too... I used to love solitude, make the best out of it. I used to write at least, not good or bad, just write, now it seems I am reading, always the same, waisting away days after days after nonsense. Would I be happier if my daily planner was oooooooozing out dates and parties? Would I be happier that way? I sing, it is all I can do. I feel like I never fit in, well, not now.

6 months.

There are a lot of things that annoys me, and that I cannot say aloud. The selfishness of some persons, persons I thought close to me. She is close still, but I do not want to tell her how I feel. How her making out in public makes me feel ill at ease, how her reproaches seem vain to me. I have the right to like other people too, throw a party on my own too.

My heart skips a beat everytime someone is connecting, but it is not yet the good nickname. So I stay invisible. And I wait for him to come back. Meanwhile, and when I am not brewing dark thoughts, I think about myself, modify my blog, delete some old ones, take good resolutions, stuffs like that... I wanna get the hell out of here, but at the same time I am afraid to be even more lonely. I want a place I could call our own, and not being dependent on anybody's will anymore. Having MY room, with MY furnitures, and not obeying home rules that are not MINE. I want a net connection, to me it is vital, even if some will say otherwise. I don't care. I want internet, full stop.

Writing. Since when have I been writing anything looking like a story? It's been in another life I think. Maybe I am better off reading. Having no author's pride. I hate it when some people talk about "their books", and are physically unable to write a sentence with some meaning inside. I know I can be a b!tch sometimes, but I am fed up licking everybody else's shoes. You write poorly dear, and despite your lot of characters, I can never get interested in what you say.... The only writer I personally know.... well I stopped talking to him for stupid reasons, and now I am stucked at chapter 13 forever. Maybe one day I'll swallow my pride, and ask him to keep on reading. I guess he never gonna reply. But I can tell you this man does have talent. Maybe you should take him as example. And learn English first.

2 weeks.

Ah those Xmas seasons, and new year too...I just don't like them now taht I am a grownup. Nothing ever comes my way, I wonder why I so want it to feel like "Christmas". With candles and songs and presents and all.... It brings nothing but stress, and I always end up alone upstairs, disappointed. Maybe tomorrow, we gonna decorate the Christmas tree...It is I guess, one of my favourite childhood memories. Christmas time, nice movies or cartoons, and the tree glowering gently in the dark lounge. The smell of firewood. Chestnuts on the stove. Printen, and sometimes, nice presents under the tree, near little Jesus. I do believe in Jesus. It's with religion I got a problem.

What I want to say today: never forget to say I love you to your loved once, because you can never tell if it will be the last time or not.

Maybe the biggest risk is trusting people. But when you do, life is so much easier.

1/3 no Junjou na kanjou

1/3 no Junjou na Kanjou

Siam Shade IV-Zero
[Rurouni Kenshin] Ending Song
Ending Song


CHORUS 1
kowareru hodo aishitemo
sanbun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
I love you sae ienaideiru my heart............

nagakute nemureani yoru ga kimi e to omoi
sore wa koi na n desu to sasayaku yo
tomedonaku katari kakeru yureru todou wa
binetsu majiri no tameiki e to kawaru

give me smile and shiny days
kimi no smile de
itetsuku yoru no samusa mo good koraerareru

CHORUS 2
kowareru hodo aishitemo
san bun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
i love you sae ienaideiru my heart.........

mannatsu no ame no you ni
kawaita suhada
uruosu kimi no egao ga mabushikute

Give me smile and shiny days,
kyuu ni sumasanaide
donna ni konnan de nankan na kabe mo koeru kara

ChORUS 3
dore dake kimi wo aishitara
kono omoi todoku no darou
mitsumerareru to ienai
kotoba ga chuu ni mau
***
hanarereba hanareru hodo
itoshii hito da to kizuku
motomereba motomeru hodo ni
setsunai kyori wo kanjiteru my heart...

***SOLO***

Give me smile and shine days
Give me smile and nice days
moshi mo kono ude de kimi to dakishimeaeta nara

CHORUS 4
dore dake kimi wo aishitara
kono omoi todoku no darou
yume no naka de watashi ka ni
ieta hazu na no ni
***
kowareru hodo aishitemo
san bun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
I love you sae ienaideiru My Heart...

My heart...


==========================================

CHORUS 1
Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

On the long, sleepless nights,
the images I send to you whisper "that is love".
continuously shaking speech that moves you to tears
changes into a slight fever mingled with a sigh

Give me a smile and shiny days,
by your smile
I can withstand the cold of a frozen night.

CHORUS 2
Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

Like rain in the middle of summer,
the dry, bareness moistens, your smile is bright.

Give me a smile and shiny days,
don't clear up so quickly!
Because we can overcome any wall that stands in our way.

CHORUS 3
Whoever you love,
these images will reach them, right?
Don't say you cannot find them,
your words are dancing in space.
***
The further apart you go,
the more it hurts the person you love
The more I chase them,
the more my heart feels the cruel distance

***SOLO***

Give me a smile and shiny days,
Give me a smile and nice days,
If only we could meet in an embrace...


CHORUS 4
Whoever you love,
these images will reach them, right?
If only you had said so in your dreams

Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

at least virtually, because i don't think we gonna see actual snowflakes soon around here...

am still buried deep in the harry potter saga, in English this time... volume 5 already, and harry still fighting with his emo-teenage angst, and voldemort, too.

i want books, books, books for Christmas... those are the only available, rather cheap things i can decently ask Santa this year...if he could send me an all wrapped Monmon, or a one way ticket to the philippines, i'd take it too, more eagerly than all the books of the world.

and for your own pleasure, tidbits of Aachen Christmas market, Germany. Enjoy.

a magic eraser

if i could get a magic eraser, i would use it at once. erase a bit of this day, between noon and dusk. i would have a chance to think back twice before saying stupid things. magic erasers do not exists, well, not in my world. so i will be reasonable. and say "never again", thinking about the meaning of the words this time.

the day has been stormy indeed, and in the garden too. the trees are now all naked, and winter really feels like coming. wonder if we'll get snow (i doubt). so as a real november girl, i stayed inside. i tried to read a bit but the eyes hurt too much. so i wrote a bit, but soon erased it all. meanwhile, nick stokes was trapped in his glass coffin, over and over again.

i am no good at expressing clearly how i feel, especially when i feel upset. i cuddle up behind my words, thinking people will guess the right meaning. of course it doesnt work. never hide behind words, for even if you can be seen from outer their edges, their meaning is nothing if you don't help a bit. you cannot see them, but they trap you nonetheless. like glass.

i think i gonna get a bit of sleep now. crying is useless, and nick stokes has been rescued from his glass prison by his friend. see, always trust your friends. do not hide away from them , the way i do too often. i can be saved from my glass box too. by someone who is more than a friend, and who means the world to me, and beyond. he doesn't use lenient words or false ones. he tells me the truth. and it helps.

the storms always end, and the strong winds always end up in gentle breezes. i have a whole night's sleep to get better. i won't make huge promises i cannot keep. i will just say i want to be me.

Daily Mood

Trying to write myself out there, before I start crying again... Why is it so, why are girls genetically programmed to cry a river whenever they feel upset...

I guess that's how I feel now... I guess once again, I reached that point of lucidity, when I see myself all in black and white, instead of technicolors.

I miss Monmon more than ever, and no one's around me, not even my friends can understand that. They keep asking me how do I feel, and I don't dare answering that I am not okay... I don't like all the Xmas stuffs going out, because once again, I will be alone here. No party, no presents, no nothing but me trying to smile and be happy and contented with what I got.

I wanna try and give happiness then, instead of craving for it... At least making people happy around me, I think I owe then that ...

I sing too. To heel to those who gonna believe I am getting too proud, or that I am too influenced by the Star Academy bullshit, for I sing goddam good, so says the comments that El-g reports to me. I still cannot believe it, but gosh, does it feel good to have a positive opinion of one self.

Something else than the failure who is still unemployed, and ashamed to be so.

I write too, but that, I think is not allowed to me. Whearas my doctor is congratulating some friend of mine for self expression, all I get is a grumpy "well, do find yourself a job and stop complaining". How fair is that I wonder.... Not that I need feedback to know what my writing is worth of (average, i guess), but a fair treatment, and some consideration when I feel like eating a whole box of Prozac would be welcomed. or when I go and ask for help, when it all becomes so hard I cannot be strong by myself anymore....

I still fall from time to time, but the sadness parts get smaller and smaller...Somehow I am proud to see I can heal by myself..

And also..I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK. And I don't talk about seasonal chills or flu, bless me, no! I talk about that nasty thing that Hypothyroid is: not serious enough to have people getting it seriously (ill? cmon, you do not look ill, do you?), but which still get me exhausted after one miserable shopping afternoon. I also read somewhere that this kind of disease gets people a little depressed, bet this explains what...

And furthermore...I am trying like a fool to get better by myself. Without any meds, or pill, ot doctorlaughing at me. I try to get back some more sleep, some joy too ( I have a wonderful fiance, lovely parents, and a somewhat lucky life), trying to compare myself to real miserable people, that way I don't find any right to moan over my fate. I wish I could see my friends more often though. Got for a drink, even I hate drinking, or to the movies. Anything but my golden cage. But voilà, my best friend is on honeymoon, and you don't disturb people when they are happy, are you?

God bless I can see my honey everyday. You cannot tell how precious a few minutes are, when you are lucky enough to have your fiancé living near you, in the same country. So stopcomplaining about those "13 kilometers between him and I", and call it a long distance relationship, because I feel like yelling at you and your selfishness...

Thank you forum, either. People are there for you, or at least always will lend you an ear, no matter how busy they are... Sosme will argue it is easy, it's internet, you can switch off anytime you like...but you could also not log at all, and go download pron... No, those friends where there 3 years ago, and still are... And I respect them as much as I respect real people...


Time and again, I feel like I live in my own world... I see things differently, reacts differently... and I don't know if it is for good ot not...

I'm a barbie girl, in a magic world

it's hard right now, but i got to make do.

dug out my barbie dolls today (a huge amount of three , two blondes, one brunette), amazing how their clothes are still princess-like.... seems that girls of my generation loved princess, now it's all bling-bling and california pimping around...sad...

i don't need expensive kimono dolls (limited edition, 250$), maybe i can sew (saw? argh, i can never remember that verb..) some by myself..keeping my hands busy also seems good, it gonna leave my mind at rest, hehe...

Honey !! I am your Keira Knightley !!

Remember

credits:

music and lyrics: El-G www.el-g.org
PV making of: Dai's Apprentice
Singing : Ichiban

good day

There was no point at all to the three previous entries, so I deleted them.

I still have the same problem, I can't talk openly about the things that worry me. So I end up having all those worries packed in a corner of my mind, and when the tension is too big, I cry.

If I had to say what I think of me right now, all I see is a dependent, whiny bitch. In general, I can mask the way howI feel to everyone (at a point that everyone envy my cheerful-ness), my scarce friends who always see me smile, or my parents, to whom I say I am perfectly fine. The only person seeing hte truth is my fiancé, whose help is precious to me...Him only can make me smile, and get me stronger.... [There is just that thing with meals, I cannot eat up because I have gotten sick of greasy meats and untasty mashed potatoes. I miss fried rice, but since I am the only one eating it here, it's not always possible to cook...]

I do not believe anybody who would tell me "why don't you go see a psychologist, and explain how you feel"? All I want to say to those people (and I know they say that for my own good) is: never trust a psychologist. All what they do is search your inner thoughts, in order to prove that you have a problem. In the society we live in, no one is entitled to sadness, since it is seen as a failure. All that they see, and assume, is that such a person who cries must endure depression...

Now , give me a break. I perfectly know why I am in such a sad mood, and I do not need any of your pills, or advice. I miss my best friend first place, more than I had imagined. Thinking of her is enough to bring tears in my eyes, and I am afraid to tell her how I really feel, because I do not want to annoy her. I miss my fiance like crazy, and I do miss him even more than my best friend. I won't go into details here, because it belongs to us only....I miss having friends I could go out with, or a family I could visit. Loneliness, well I am used to it, but I don't know why, it is feeling heavier on my heart those days.

What are the solutions?

Well if I leave my rational brain take upon the emotional one (at last), the only solution I see is to be strong. And this, forgive me, physchologists, is a thing one has to find within. Never have I heard of pills that would give you more confidence, if it was so, you'd be all unemployed like me...

I had a serious talk last night with my fiancé, which help to point out more problems. My fear of people and lack of confidence. Come to think of it, those are both intertwined. Lack of confidence leads to a bad image of one self, and makes believe everyone is your enemy. The only thing I can't get clear yet is why I have become so afraid. I used to be the one who loved public talks and presentations, gosh I even sang onstage in front of my whole school (and you know how teens can be cynical to each other...) . What has broken up inside I wonder. I assume my past job is half responsible, even though I cannot pin out any detailed event, that might have cause the failure...

So what now?

I need to find a way out of all this bullshit (word chosen on purpose). I need to find something that would divert my mind from all its sad patterns...I need to stop worrying whenever my fiance is not near me...I tried to sing a bit, but there are so many songs, I feel so much pressure I am afraid I will never be able to sing them right. The writing seems a good thing too, but I cannot get myself to write on my own...Call me attention b!tch, but that's the way I feel....Like sending signals beyond the "I am ok, everything's ok" social varnish, in the hope someone would notice. In general, strangers see you in a totally different aspect, it helps putting yourself back together. Or read other's people problem too. It helps you see you are not the only one in trouble.

I'd like to take back drawing too. I know I said taht so many times (gomen, ne Asudef) that it is hard to believe I am serious about it. I'll try to improve my cooking too. When my hands are occupied, my mind is at rest.

There is of course the best solution: be together with my honey. Let's say that our situation takes more time and preparation than average, that's why I have to be stronger than normal too. As mahal ko says "when life gets you, kick back". Oh so true... ^*^

I am not sure this will help though. My blog is not what you can call attractive or popular, and my forums activities are far less open than , say, three years ago? In there, I feel like I am the one having to give good example, and help people if I can... Haha, looks like it is me in need now.

I feel quieter now, if not fully better. I stopped all my stupid things, and clingy ones. (Like sending 45 txt in 5 minutes, okay I exaggerate (sp?) but you get the meaning ^^) And also, never ever try to scratch yourself, thinking physical pain is better than emotional one. In the end, you'll look like a fool, and believe me it hurts, even a day after: old demons are sometimes ahrd to fight back, and they never forget how to break your defences. Do not cry too much either, it makes your eyes look puffy and ugly. No one wants to talk to a waterfall, it biases the conversation anyway. There is something blackmail-ish in crying oneself out, and too long.

This said, will I be able to follow the good pieces of advice I am giving? Well I do not have any choice. If I want to feel better, it is now or never.

... --- ...

i feel so pathetic I am hesitating between bitch-slapping myself, or rolling over the floor crying.

None of those solutions being lady-like, let's opt for a daily rant no one will ever read, maybe that' a good thing.

I feel sad
I feel lonely
I feel like that crappy weekend will be a neverending missed rendezvous between my honey and I.
I feel like I am slowly sliding on sadness Inc. side of life, and I do not like this at all.
I feel like I am screaming and no one answers...

I can't even focus right to sing , which is a catastrophe, because work accumulates...
I even thought about resigning from daiforum...Amongst the supidest things I'd do in my life, 
this one is top ranking: it would mean breaking the only link between I and real people I can
actually talk with...

Someone please help me, because I feel I cannot face it all alone. 

...---...

*low battery signal*

I don't know if some days are just meant to be crappy or if it is just the way how you look at them, but today was sure not as fun as it should be..

Today is the day when my phone decided, after 2 years and a half of faithful presence by my side, to act weird and pull some teenage angst syndrome. From "hey i do not wanna charge my battery correctly' to " see if i care sending your super important text", it's falling from Charybdes to Scylla at top speed, and I do not like this.

Maybe it overheard me, and knows I gonna trade it for Sony Ericsson... Anyways, I can promise anything, even keeping it despite of its fallen memory...Anything but please STAYS ON until november, I don't have money ready now.


I positively dislike myself (not hate, mind you, this is to vain a feeling) when I feel so abated... Seems like today the only thing keeping me alive and kicking was to see my honey tonight...Until I receive his message, sorry I'll be late home tonight.

I just broke down and cried. Cried like a spoilt child, I admit it, and begged him to please see me. I just broke down, and I cannot see any reasonable reasons. No lack of trust, no jealousy, just the infinite feeling of loneliness, and the vanity of the day passed. Like a part of my sky slowly fading to grey. Those are the only moments when I hate (and not dislike, mind you, the word is too weak) those miles between us. It's human nature I guess, weakness is inherent to mankind's mind.

It's human too, that sense of loneliness...

It is what makes me cherish every single bits together. Seeing him, hearing him. There are days when I could trade anything for his voice, his image frozen in my computer. There are days where I could fall in love with my cellphone, when it delivers sweet morning kisses, and a begging to please take care. There is in the end the fear to lose him, damn the traffic, typhoons, and so many other improbable catastrophe. There is also, in darkest hours, the panic of a life without him. That irrational dread freezing me on my tracks, it seldom happens hopefully...It's as if all the tensions of the days (no job, at home, no uy, no sex, no friends) were rushing down into one, dreadful thought, becoming that monster of panic inside...

I am far too edgy, far too stressed.



I'd better do something, quickly , to fight against it. My mind needs a rest, needs to retrieve its peace of mind and its strenght.

And I must find that strengh all alone. That's the only way. No one can teach you how to be strong, you have to get thru it alone.

So far, writing seems the only way out. Be it wild, or whiny or happy, I need getting that sorrow out of myself. Off myself. Away from me.

Maybe I should try and write those lyrics El-g needs.



So what about machines then? They keep the link alive, but cannot, in no way break it. Be it lack of battery, or inner failures. I am the one nurturing the link, making it alive. I am the love giver, and receiver.


*low battery signal*

Pressure , pressure, how can I get away from you?

Wish I could blow a fuse sometimes, you know, going out with friends, and forget for a while life's pressure...

Generally I deal with it quite well, but there are days, like today, when I start doubting, and worrying about work/life/how to make things work... I feel like I am trapped in a neverending spiral of bad news, or is it just the way I am looking at it?

Anyhows, lets start by writing it off my chest, better than being moody all the time, everywhere...

Aja aja...FIGHTING !!!

To Claire

So here I am, back from my best friend's wedding ^^

It sounds like a movie title, and the whole ceremony and party sure looked like one: a beautiful bride, a perfect scenery, and one of the maid, aka myself, feeling ill, you get just the right amount of romanticism you need, hehe ^^

To Claire:

I don't know if you gonna ever read this, but right now I cannot find the courage to write down to you: I miss you, more than I had imagined, I must confess it. I feel sorry for not having been able to hide my tears from you, I simply hope you will not be mad at me... Never had I seen a bride as beautiful as you, and by that, I mean that kind of serenity that accompanied you throughout the day.. The few times I could catch a glimpse of you was a portrait of a young lady I am proud to be a best friend of...My only regret is to have left, dare I say, fled from, the Honour Table... My emotions were so shattered I could barely speak.. I hope that, for that too, you won't be mad at me.

Now that I am back home, I cannot help feeling lonely...your happy presence, and your family left a void. I know that it is how life goes, but I miss them dearly too.

As I think about our ten years of friendship, I cannot help but remembering our days together, at ILMH, or at work... And every time, it is nothing but happy memories that comes to mind.. From laughters to serious discussions, troubles of our romantic hearts and silences too. I often wonder what person I would have been, what path I would have followed, hadn't you been around me. Amongst the many things you brought to me is the love for singing (the first thing that brought us closer, do you remember>?)a bit more holiness in life, and a new belief in God, a God I nearly lost so many times... In my turn, I guess I brought you the love for Japanese food and things (^^), and I guess a sense of sweet funny-ness, I don't know how to call it otherway..

You were the first person I ever told about my writing, and even if I never managed completing any stories, it was important to have you knowing it.

You also learned me how to be strong, giving yourself the example...As I now am trudging through hard times, I remember the days when life was unkind to you, and when you kept on going on, your faith unaltered. It is your example I follow, and I know that my stubborness makes the path even harder, but I promise I will do my best.

All right Claire, let me wish to both Philippe you all the happiness and true joy tha can exist here and beyond.. Never forget that there still be someone ready to sing "File la laine" or "Le pont Mirabeau" with you...


Those words, I wish I could have said them to you, instead of writing here...but you know me, talking is not my forte, especially when it comes to deep down serious things, such as friendship and more.

Take care, always.

Sunday, gloomy Sunday...

Deleted about two entries today, I cannot stand the way I am whining away... the sadness is still there though, but now I can get a grip.

I feel like having missed my honey all day, the only cheering up being when he gets online. I felt like today was a day for nothing, lurking around the mute computer, not feeling a single will to chat on forums...Missing him, and friends, and Claire more than ever...

Have anyone (hellooooo, is there anyone reading around)ever felt that ? Being sad inside, lonely inside, dragging yourself from bed to chair, from chair to bed, then go to kitchen, raid fridge then pick no food at all, then back to chair and Coda?

I hate myself positively when I feel that way.

GTO

Golly, Ichiban......


PLEASE STOP COMPLAINING THE WAY YOU DO !!!!


Be strong.
Peace...

Who am I, to judge people the way I do?


I suffer and I miss my friends dearly, bu this is no reason to be unfair...of course not. I just hope life would be easier, and would stop taking friends away from me... What I'd give for a movie, then a drink with friends. What I'd give to bring a friend home, and talk away the night hours...

What I'd friggin give for that...

while listening to Miyavi...me, again

harhar

Third post in about 5 hours, I guess we have a record here, Inu, aren't we?


Okay, I guess everyone around here have experienced Insomnia at least once your their lives. Be it a final, a driving exam or a first date (don't smile, I know you did ) I guess you are all familiar with that physical impossibility to give up to sleep. too much brain activity is bad for you, especially when it is about to say goodbye to sunny world outside...and to think that only 10% of your brain bugs you to no end includes some refine irony I am now savouring the taste of.

Besides all those jolly sentences, what's up with me, really? I swear I am not high on coffee, not tonight, and as for dark thoughts about death and suicide, I forgot all those about , hmm, 10 years ago? Okay, 8 years ago...

No, really?

I am not too sure, to tell you the truth. But I know that at night, all the little worries I can manage easily at daylight (nothing about "omg i forgot to buy milk today", more of "what with my job? when a new appartment? what about our visas, and our wedding documents? what if i get turned down by the J embassy"? Jolly I told you...) seem to rush back with more acuteness, -- an oddly, more vocabulary -- once Lady Tsuki settles high up in the sky...

And lucky me, it was full Moon a night ago. Told you I am blessed by the creatures of the night, I swear my brain is of vampire kind, no wonder I pretend to have claws....

More seriously...everyone has some anti-insomnia tricks religiously handed over by some caring grandma, and I am no exceptions, so here goes:
-hot milk
-hot milk with honey
-Sudoku (easy level)
-Sudoku (satanistic-esque level)
-Da Vinci Code (most boring read eeeeeever)
-staring at dark walls with eyes wide open
-txt monmon at sacrilegeous hours (aka early morning, PI time)
-waking up said mahal for further complains
-having a lot of said mahal
-go to the mayor (direct consequence of coffee and/or hot milk, honey or not)
-turning roundroundguruguru in bed
-haunting the house on tiptoes
-reading my eyes out over Stephen Kings novel, and see the night on Italics I swear you can feel Its presence, the Monster under your bed --- It's waiting for you like dog poop on a sidewalk --
-music listening
-TV broadcastings

nothing ever works, but TV or music, bless me....

So today, after about one hour of dire complains of how hanyous should be allowed in the highest spheres of society, or at least allowed a phonecall (see infra), I decided to give blogging a try. I bet I will only manage in getting you to sleep, haha, now you too have some grandma recipe about how-to-get-fast-asleep....

Aren't you happy? Huh?Huh? ^^

Okay, do not worry, I won't start counting sheeps right away in front of you, I might be expelled from Blogger for obnoxious spam (do be kindst, Ô readers, thou not report yer poor writersth).

On the other hand, if you have Mister Sandman's cellphone #, please leave a comment after the final dot.

DOT.

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes daily online


Because this always cheers me up! ^°^

A post that should not be here

There are many kinds of venting out one's sad emotions, let's use that useless blog to get my heart a bit less heavy...

First of all, I won't cry. What the hell does it bring anyway? It only adds to the sad feelings,and will make me feel even more useless and stupid than I feel right now.

So to start with: can any English speaking people here confirm that a sentence like "We will contact you next week" actually means "we will contact you next week"? Because it seems that, to the guys I passed an interview with, it simply means "ah, let's not waste our time with her, she jinxed her test, anyway, why bother?". Work world is even harder that everything you could see on TV.

Tell me about superheroes that save the day, why don't they go and have some job interview for a change?

I am bitter yes. Not angry, not sad, just bitter. Because I really believed I might have a friggin' chance. To get that dream job at such a young age, yes, I confess, Your Honour, I really thought I had one small chance. You know, luck, good vibes, good references......Even my horoscope was promising me wonders, go figure. Be certain that on Monday they gonna hear me. I want them to tell me right in the face that I wasn't selected. And I will prepare my smile, since at that place, smile is the way to express, be it bad, or good news. You know, my organizer is soooooo full with job appointments, I cannot spend time with you, can I? Kidding. But I will call.

To tell you the truth, I really feel like crying my heart out right now. In spite of the bad complexion, and the puffy eyes it gives, not forgetting and the aura of weakness that goes along (thank you SSSSSSociety, for making SSSSSSurvivors out of uSSSSSS). I won't indulge though, and will swallow it all. What will become of me if I gave up at the slightest problem? You're talking to a daiforum mod here, who has gone thru a disbanding, tough members to deal with, and a hack 100% live....XD

I swear that in the next interview, you gonna see me all prepped up for hair to toes. If nice skirts and nice shoes and a pretty smile are needed to convince, then you can count on me. Bring on the blonde bombs, and see if I dread them. Then take my CV where I haven't said any lies. Then give me my chance, if you wanna test me out.

Aside from this...

Last Wednesday I went to Bxl, to take back some more stuffs. Had to drag it all by tramways, where I nearly got stucked: the driver simply closed the doors on me, while I was dragging things out. Had to shout at him, for him to stop. And the people around, they just stared with an annoyed look. They can go all mushy when they watch silly real TV shows, but face reality, and count how many out of them will help. Wait, maybe I stumbled across the only tramway in whole Bxl, full of unsympathetic people? (insert ironic smile here)

Ah well.

the only thing I don't like in all this, is that I must get myself tougher, so that I won't get swallowed by this ambient nastiness. I am too mild, too fragile, and my words do not fool me... I am appalled by how hard the world has become, and I try to fight back the most honestly possible. Sometimes, you know it is so hard... In any case, I do not want to lose my integrity. Or else, I coudl really say I have lost everything.

Enough with that nonsense post anyway.... Promised my Monmon not to cry, and to rest...I guess he is right (as he always is, I must admit)...


Yakusoku yo...

Anata o miss kita...

Anata o aishiteirunda yo ne....soredemo mondai wa dja nai nda yo ne....yosh! But please next time, do not let me worry the way I did tonight... it simply kills me inside...

hmmm...

when will I ever write something jolly over here?


lol~

Yamato Nadeshiko

It is an expression which means "perfect woman".

Will I ever be that woman one day?

Do I really have her smile?

gigs etc/

the part i hate in concerts/gigs/bands performance is that it makes me worry too much.

makes me geting emo, and god knows i hate that genre//

doko ni, doko ni, doko ni, doko ni/

Inumon !!!!!

It's finally out!!! ^*^

Follow the marvelous adventures of Monmon the Dark Magi, and Inu, moderator extraordinaire! ;)

InuMon!! The Love Chronicles:


Doggy Style:


Trolls hunting:


Shirak Inside:




Pucca: ANG CUTE-CUTE TALAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!

Another thing that made me cry -that's cryday, baby-

Recently the admin of Moleskinerie asked me if he could use one of my picture to illustrate some of his entries.

I am not even a photographer, so the fact that he chosen this picture, it made me feel a bit more valuable than the other days.

If such a thing can happen over the internet, then why not in real life?

Crying my heart out for friends

I had some sad conversation today...As usual, a little detail wake some sad memories in me. I always think I got over them, but it seems that I am not strong enough.

This is about friendship. This is about my lack of "flesh and bones" friends, or the ability I have to loose them. Because I feel they do not understand me -- or is it the contrary, is it that I don't wanna realize I am a poor friend myself?

I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person I am on forums, and not only on forums. I wish I could be as easy-going, less shy. I wish I could talk to people, before they talk to me...

I think I gonna follow my mahal's advice: start an account on friendster, and build everything all over again. I just do not know how to do it. I create an account -- then what.

I had a somewhat bad experience on MySpace, maybe this wasn't just my place.

Why is it so difficult to go to people and talk? So difficult to go over that damn shyness ? I always dread places crowded with people, like parties, or even marriage. I always end up in a corner, watching as everyone is chatting along, lost in my thoughts, whising I'd be gone already. Why can't I be as easy-going in real life, asI am (I think) on forums? Why Why Why?

The only reason I can find to it is: on forums, I never feel compelled to prove I am different from the things I tell. On forums, I can explain I like rock or visual kei, without being dressed in some stereotypical fashion, no black pants, no pink hair.

I want things to change so bad...I don't wanna cry alone anymore. I am not asking to be the center of attention. No, just the courage to go and talk to people. And maybe make friends. Flesh and bone ones, this time.

Chocolate Land

Meet Apprentice and Ichiban's story here at Chocolate Land !

A few pics...

...in relation with the previous entry:


High school memories


High School/College stories


College/Work treasures


Reading a few comments below, I realise how I can get all emotional about a book I like, or dislike. More than with movies, or even facts of life.....

Bookshelves and other thoughts.

It is always dangerous to wake up one morning, and then decide: okay, today I gonna put some order in my bookshelves. Too many stories that, beyond the printed words, have such more tale to tell. In general I can recall where I bought this book, why, where did I open its pages for the first time. Some books are about 20 years old.

Children stories I picked out from my mom's shelves. They actually are the only books she ever owned ever. Thing is, my folks are not book persons, and all I discovered was, so to speak, all by myself. Then, add some more kids book, "grown up "ones without images. They all now stand indisturbed in an old dish cupboard, up there in the attic. I seldom go there anymore, because I am afraid of ferrets (a common thing in old houses), and because seeing myself at 8, 9 year old, back there in our former house, former room is a thing i cannot take.

Then, back to current floor. Most of it, fiction stories, where good and bad books stand together with Russian dictionaries and a Catholic Bible. Here's the main shelf, standing in the middle of the room (thus making some convenient wall) with its Russian litterature (only for decoration, I have a rejection for it since the end of College), Japanese litterature, Tolkien, Stephen King, and some other misc. fictions, Harry Potter included. Also the diary of Anais Nin, and some Simone de Beauvoir. Nicola Sirkis' novels together with Kurt Cobain's diary. Rachel's tears, and gone with the Wind.

Behind this one, in between two doors (my room has three doors, and three windows), lies the comic section (the adventures of Tintin, completed), manga's (the third of 'em all), the Dragonlance serie, and a few DVDs. I am not much of a film person, I think I read more all in all.

And finally, the pristine sanctuary, leaning against the opposite wall: My first Bookshelve, the one my dad made (well actually, all bookshelves are made my dad, but this one was the very first, what a symbol). There lies all the French classics that acompanied my Highschool years. Hugo, Zola, Druon, Sade, Sartre, Pennac, Baudelaire, Proust, Flaubert, Voltaire, Yourcenar, Duras, Celine, Laclos, Labro; Stendhal, writers that had me love the beauty of a written sentence, and also taking the measure of my own limits (pretty limited ^^). Together with them, Auster, Eco, Goethe, Kundera, and later on, Dickens, Bronte, Alcott or Salinger...

And in the bottom of the shelf, a paperback copy of "Da Vinci Code", abandoned on chapter 99, out of boredom, I remember, about 2 years ago. The strange thing is that I can never give a book, or dump it, even if I hated it. Same goes with Sade's 120 journées de Sodome or Hugo's Quatre-Vingt Treize. Or some other books reminding me too painfully of persons I wish I could forget, but can't.

There's a mistery with bookshelves I cannot help but like: like a living memory, it keeps track of all my secrets, desires, or unspeakable thoughts, only know to me, and to those silent pages. A way to remind myself that's where I came from. And most of the time, no one but me know the importance of that "useless stack of faded paper".



And, as usual, the mess is still there: think I'll need another day to tide it up again.

Lame Joke

- why is WinAmp the sexiest MP3 player in the world?

- because it has an "always on top" (ctrl+A) option ...

*giggles*

Da Vinci Hoax

Da Vinci Hoax, the link here,
and another interesting link here

It only comfort me in the thought that this book is nothing but Bullsh!t.

False descriptions (Mister Brown didn't even checked the reality of what he wrote: believe it or not, but, for example, his description of the Saint-Sulpice church is absolutely inaccurate, looks like he didn't even check Google to at least get an accurate picture, or historical facts. Wait, 'till I get even more serious links to develop my ideas.

Not even talking about the Holy Grail thing, or the Maria Magdalene one, theories that have been written about aaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago, and 100 times better that this Joker. I am passionate about all things esoteric, religious or historical: believe me, any encyclopedia is much more worth a reading....

do I add my 2 cents to what is, in fact, nothing but a marketing coup?

I think that, to face the overall praising feeling ("have you read DaVinci Code? OMG that was totally AWESOME!!"), I feel like saying out loud that this book, beside the fact that it is a bore to read (and yes, I read it in English), is nothing more but a compilation of truncated truths, and bad thriller effects. And to those arguing that I am a poor writer myself, I will reply that I read enough books so far, to know what a good opus is (ever read "The name of the rose?" by Umberto Eco? Now THAT is a good book).

Congratulations, Mister Brown, you found the way how to ear a lot of money out of the people's credulity and lack of culture. Now, can you refund me the 11 euros I spent on your crap?


This said, I'd be happy to read comments by people loving this book. I really would like to understand what you are finding so great about it all....

And I promise I won't flame you

seems like maison ikkoku has been retired from the editor's catalog..

reason?

either a lagal copyright one (the retailer explained that sometimes, the JApanese authors give a copyright for a fixed amount of years)

or the fact that the serie wasn'tr selling well...




so i chosen "Dragon Head" instead, I need to use my 35 euros credit anyway, and this, before i leave my office place....

the bookstore is at 2 minutes from there.....

Maison Ikkoku

Decided to read that manga....

It's been one of my first anime, back in the 90's, and I have a tenderness for that serie...






Aside from that, i am pissed off beyond recognition, don't even ask why.

The sum of it all

I am counting the days left working at my current office. Exactly 14. Then, I take the whole month of June as holiday. Doing nothing but forget about the tenants, the files, the problems, the toilet paper incidents, everything. Then , on June 11, I go abroad to reach my Monmon's arms.

And after that, well, we'll think about our future in the most useful way.

I want barbecues in the garden. I want to be with my family, since my friends are all abroad. I want idle times reading, or doing crosswords. I want to occupy my mind to anything, but work. Living that work life is like having a permanent stress over my shoulder. I am not a naive person, I know that any business place is like that, even worse, sometimes. I just do not have the physical strength to cope with everything now.

I honestly think I am dealing with a lot of stuff, and not that bad, all in all. I am semi independent, I can deal with a money budget easily, I am an all-task assistant (from phone calls to fixing the Xerox machine), and on top of that, I am a mod at a forum (a task I am taking too much at heart, sometimes, good thing there's the Tech team I can rely on...)

I wanna get a life all by myself and my fiance. I want us to be together, and having a life. I am scared about the future of my parents too. I know they are craving to leave to France, bt I feem like I am the only obstacle to their dream and it is eating me away, too... Plus they are now renting the house we live in, and I am afraid we might get expelled some day or other..(you never know with the landlords...)

I know some people are thinking I am a fool, that living a long distance relationship will lead me nowhere. It's been one year and a half now, and all I can say is that the people who know me told me I had changed. That I was happier, quieter, in a way, better. But then again, listen to everything that people say, and you would never do anything of your own life.

Just do what you think is right, and be at peace with your conscience. And if the persons disagree, well so be it. It work that way on a forum, so it is in real life.

Some call me an idealist, I know. But without ideals, you are condemmned to endlessly follow the general opinion, caught forever in cliches and deja-vu attitude. I will never be an exceptional person, but at least, I can tell that my choices were my owns.

Cadence Mystery

My headphones died today, which prevents me from listening to my favourites web radio's.

And, too bad, the cable of my MP3 player is way too short to supply for the loss. (The tower being underneath my desk, I am so craving for a laptop)....

Which makes me enjoy the silence, overwhelming in that office that goes slowlier and slowlier, as days pass... so I do crosswords a lot (I am passionate with it, but my mind frame is not as witty as to switch to the highest levels), or any word games I can stumble across... I do Sudoku too, now that I got the trick, it amuses me to no end.... Talking about crosswords, I had the weirdest surprise yesterday...I bougth a new crossword revue, the kind of small one, able to hold in my purse.... I didn't check it, as usual, but when I opened it.... i realized that about 20 pages are missing. And that an unknown hand has filled a crossword, at page 19..... Hey that's no fair I thought...

I imagined myself rushing back to the vendor, hurling the revue at his head, screaming, "gimme my money back!" what would be the use anyway, I couldn't prove anything... So I kept it all, and started doing crosswords too, with that unknown handwriting accompanying me.... the person has a nervous writing, and filled the game with no pain: no blurts no erasing, all is neat and tidy...

Is it the vendor himself? Or some thief, who filled the games, then replaced the revue back on the store?

My fantasy mind cannot help imagining the weirdest explanations, it's like having someone watching you over the shoulder... I am just annoyed that the person (supposedly) remove the index pages...I woudln't have minded keeping his/her own games, all in all...

10 things about me that will make you think I'm a guy

1) I hate shopping for clothes
2) I love tech gadgets, anime, manga and videogames (even if I am a lame gamer)
3) I never played with dolls
4) I never wears skirts when i go downtown (alone)
5) I seldom wear make-up
6) I like pocket knives and katana
7) I like watching football
8) I never buy any "women magazines", because talks about diet bores me to no end
9) romantic comedies are not my thing: I like KungFu better
10) I am a computer geek wannabe ^^

XD

obvious girly girly attitude, though:

1) I love anything's kawaii (Hello Kitty in particular)
2) I have the habit of waving my hands when I am talking
3) I giggle a lot
4) I wear high heels as I wear sneakers : comfy and with no pain
5) I like to cuddle, and being cuddled
6) I cry a lot (too much, imo)
7) I put some charms on my mobile phone, and I think it's cute
8) I love cooking, especially sushi and cupcakes
9) I like wearing rings, and have natural long nails
10) I am a bad driver.....

XDXD

Taximen and Madam's BMW

Ordinary life, with ordinary troubles.

Back to down-to-Earth problems, to that office work I gonna leave soon, the uncertainties, what am I gonna eat tonight, that Sudoku puzzle I can't resolve (maths and I), an order to fetch tomorrow, our bathroom that isn't finished yet, angry tenants (now that's funny sometimes), a good movie, a good shower...

Dare I say, anything but virtual life, but there we go again, isn't a blog all 0's an 1's ?

Talking about real life: I got nearly crushed down by a taxi passing on the red signal yesterday. MAde the guy a "are you crazy" sign (yup, too nice to give him the Middle Finger, hey, I am a polite girl, who tries to tame the tomboy in her...). He just made a "get moving, chick" look, and I sloooooooooooooowly walked across the pedestrian lane (take that, smart boy).

I swear I have a nice Guardian Angel.

I think that from my way home to work, then back again I risk my life about hmmm 10 times. Not counting my lunch hour, which could dramatically increase the data. I even gave up listening to my player --far too dangerous--, and I consider any buildings entries as Hell's Gate.

And on top of that, my Angel is working overtime.

And right was I, since, not only 2 minutes after my encounter with Taximan, I nearly got taken by surprise, and by a Madam in BMW. Then again, I stand right in front of her nice car, until she backs off a bit. Angry look, and me smiling, I finally came back home.

In one single piece.

I think we are "There" again.

Somehow the daiforum coming back was too good to be true, so did the Hacker believe.

Like I said, and after I stopped going from incredulity to panick to call for help to depressed mood to insomnia to worried to scared to calmed down again (and in that very order):

I just cannot understand.

"From there, and back again"

To paraphrase my friend Bilbo, we are back again, and it is right here, right now!

I am no lone Moderator anymore, and I feel I can rest a bit more, at last...even though I know I will have a hard time to be less around this place I love so much...

Anyway, besides a nightmare, I can tell that I had a good sleep's night, the first in too many days...

A new forum, a new wallpaper, of course, still problems, but feeling quieter at last.

The control freak I am at times is still lying die-hard on the inside, i still feel its Ring of Power around my fingers....but they slowly give way...

And even know I am a bit cautious about all the new things in place, I feel proud and happy, most of it all, I feel that we proved our community was more than words....

To the Fantasy Brigade of our forum,
To my Love that never fail to love and support me, even when I was begging for his arms around my tired shoulder...,

I am glad to be there, and back again, with you !!


Ichiban~

i tried to sleep a bit, but i am so under pressure that all i can do is worrying even more. i am tired and physically not good, but sleep won't come easy to me.

i am stressed out by all the uncertainties surrounding me...job, paper problems, lodging problem...i feel lost, completely unable to find which solution is best. if i am writing in here, it's to try and not crying, i do not wanna tell my parents about my worries, i do not want to worry them.

i feel so lonely...i wish my loev and i would be together, i feel so lonely without him....i wish i had at least friends to be with, but they are all scattered around, stuck with work, or living so far away from me.... i wish i could forget my troubles by working, but the situation at the office is the worst ever. i am leaving definitely this May 31, and i am sincerely longing for it. i can't support the uncertainties anymore, it's eating me away...

i do not want to open myself to my fellow forumers, they got their own problems, and i do not wanna be a burden to them.

i do not know what to do to do good...All i am wishing for is june 11, leaving from here, and reach my fiance. that's all i am wanting now.

i feel like i am fighting against walls, but either it's me getting weaker, or it's the walls getting thicker. i wish i could hit them with all my strenght, until they break down. i wish nothing could attain me, i wish i could hide my tears better.

I know I shouldn't say that, but sometimes, I feel like giving it up.

Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.

I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...

Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.

Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^

Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.

"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.

And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^

I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.

Ah well.

God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!

I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.

I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.

Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...

Panic crisis

Pretty serious entry below, if anyone already had that kind of annoyance, please feel free to share, it would help me a lot…

* * *

I had the bad surprise of having one last night.

And I talk here of the physical emanation of it, not only the rhetorical aspect.

It all started with a general uneasiness, heavy head and lack of energy the whole day long. And being on the verge of tears a good part of the day. Somehow, a slight event triggered it…..In this case, the lack of central heating when coming back home, late at night.

I start to cry at 9 PM. I don’t know how to exactly explain how it happened….think about irrational fears, and worries, added to your current little troubles, there you get the picture… I called my mom, in tears. Told her I was dead cold and absolutely down. She advised me to take some warm shower, then go to bed, maybe taking a warm tea. So did I. The hot water mixed up to my tears, and my trembling a little. I started to tell myself to calm down, to get a grip, that I was gonna be fine….But the tears didn’t go away, on the contrary, the more I was trying to reason myself, the more irrational fears, such as feeling lonely, abandoned, and absolutely helpless.

Got out of the shower, feeling a bit warmer, but still in tears. Dragged myself to the kitchen, and made some herbal tea….Finally, after one hour, I could get a grip on my emotions. The sensation of panic still lingering, though. At least, I could reason myself better. Tears are no use anyhow, Inu, so stop torturing yourself with ideas (jolly things like “what if my beloved gets hurt in an accident?” “what if our landlords kicks my parents out of their (our) house?” “what if….”) that I can’t control anyway.

Crying is tiring, too (that’s why I hate it), and, the lingering of the hot shower helping, I finally snuggled in bed….to finally hear the central heating function again… (at 10h30 PM, what a shame)

Got an SMS of my beloved round midnight…I can say that it helped me dozing off for good…

* * *

Aside from the drama story, I browsed the internet today, to see if what I endured yesterday was out of too much of imagination, or had medical causes whatsoever

It comes out of my search that panic crisis, are, indeed, a medical affection, and generally, it happens to people that are in general nervous, or hyper-emotive (yay, and I think I win on those ). I recognized some aspects pretty clearly (happening at night, a feeling of terror, and of falling into madness), although really faintly.

I am glad to realize that I have only faint symptoms, and that I can control it at the end (I mean, I do not have “death thoughts”, and I perfectly realize that my fears are irrational)

But still, if I could find a way to prevent that kind of hyper sensibility, I would be really glad. But I do not want to “kill” myself, I mean, to lose the positive aspects of this sensibility. I want to keep my cheerful self always, even if it means that nights alone will never be my friends.

* * *

I know that, when I am with my Monchan, I never ever suffer of this disagreement ^^

He is my best medicine ^^

Addendum

Just read my friend's entry, about racism, it brought me to tears.

All I want to say is:

F*** YOU ALL, RACIST PEOPLE !!

Who do you think you are?????????????

Do you really think that being white-washed makes you superior to other people? I have no words to tell you how. I. loathe. you. How I despise you.

I've been confronted to a kind of racism too. People talking behind my back, about the fact that my fiance is Filipino.
So what, you crazy stubborn people? How dare you judge someone you do not even know, never met before? How dare you see yourself as superior? How DARE you comment about my own personal private choice, when you do not even have the courage to tell me all your filthy thoughts right in my face?

Do you think that I am fooled by your smiles? Or that I do not see the contempt behind your blank words? Go to Hell.

Same to you, little Missus, daring treating my friend like that. I tell you what, Missus: I have been knowing him for about three years now. THREE years, and I trust his like my brother. Do you understand that?

I hope one day you will know the taste of betrayal, or being despised. I hope that some of your fellow white washed precious friends will have you endure this feeling.

I am ashamed to be white myself, when I learn that some blockheads like you still exist on this planet.

Thank you very much, for it's gonna be my first flaming entry since I opened this blog. I am generally a nice, and polite person. But there are things I just cannot get.

Nor accept.

EVER.

I don't want to talk about me

I don't want to tell you how I feel.
I dont want to tell you how much I miss him.
I don't want to tell you why I cry sometimes, alone in the dark (and it is not a cliche sentence, I really do)
I don't want to tell you that I met pure evil about a week ago.
I don't want to tell you that the only thing I want now, is flying away from here, and reach his arms.

I won't tell you anything about that.

Unless you ask me to.

armaggedon

last login, Friday, April 7th, 11h30 PM

"you don't have permission to access this website, please contact the administration team"

wtf i am part of it!!

then i realized. DoAsInfinity was not there, someone was messing around with his cyber-identity. Then started the whole bad movie

you know, in those high tech' catastrophe flicks, when the hero watch helplessly his computer, unable to react? well i am no hero, but i seen this bastard moving around the threads, then erasing them, one by one

ONE BY ONE

AND FUCKING ENJOYING IT

deleting about 2 years of a life that is maybe now gone forever

no time to cry, think quick, and beg out for help. MSN first. 2DL then. commenting along with other members what was going under our eyes, made it real, too real. sending emails, happily welcoming old friends attempting again and again to login. just a peak at his IP, please let me just see his IP

trying as a last resort to understand, to try and talk (no use). to realize the sad irony, too...the banners getting banned, and 13 640 good reasons to hate an unknown person.

the lack of sleep, the nightmares, waking up with a headache, and realizing in one click it was not a joke.

Forum has been hacked and for good

putting all the wildest hopes in the bunch of people that quickly accepted to give their time and effort freely, working together to the restauration of our home. watching them helplessly, and trying to be of some use, linking people...And on the background, wondering away WHEN THE HELL something went wrong

where there signs i didn't notice?

was it a pure case of bad luck, just a bastard that needed some fun?

what are the decisions to take, the best ones, in that state of emergency?



and still, believing in humans being, telling myself i was right to trust some of them. that behind the words of friendship, there is real friendship

that this is not a battle in vain

Balisong

is within my reach !!

Oro !!

Do not expect long posts about my life and problems et alii, because I simply am not in the mood to write much...

So Meanwhile, don't fail to check some links at your left, you will find really nice pieces of writing..

And for your own pleasure, and mine especially:




credits to www.impishie.com

WTH??????

test

Why do i get an error 403 when typing my blog URL in the IE searchbar?

"My Honey is stronger than Kenshin" story:

(m ^0^) (nn x) <---(@@ s)

(m OO) (s >.<) (O.o x)

.....................(s #>.<)o KAPOWWWWWWWWWWW !!! (-0- x)

(XX x)

°(m ^*^)° (^^ s)

(m ^)(nn s)

The End


*totally random lols*

Updates and manga's

So happy Daiforum is back at last, at first I could not believe it..^0^

Still busy as hell, so little time to be on9, even for mere browsing, I do'nt even talk about serious blog entries...

Still, feels good to know a place were the buddies are, be it here, or in 2DL, or in Daiforum....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Emptying my mind with manga's, finished GTO, now starting Rurouni Kenshin: funny how those echo with my life, or is it me searching for mirrors, I do not know...

Manga's remind me more of the "feuilleton genre" , which was very popular in France with authors like Eugene Sue, or Alexandre Dumas, or Dickens in UK. So far away from the "comic strips" genre as we see it here in Belgium: thin albums in big format, a regular 46 pages in full colours, less coded, and more descriptive (as far as I know). I like how the narration in manga's is faster, and in a way more "violent". Am I feeling more violent myself? Do I feel like strolling around with a sakabatou, or a gun? I think not, since everything happens in my imagination, since the characters' almond shaped eyes and SD gimmicks remind me of their non-real status.

Only the feelings remain, some quotations that linger deep in mind. And always for the best. A Japanese hero is never perfect in the way Western societies envision it: perfection in Asia means Good balanced perfectly by Bad (yes I simplify a bit ^^) : that way Inuyasha is a perfect moron, Eikichi is a pervert, and Kenshin is your regular candid guy. All three have in common to be uncommonly brave strong, and rightgeous, nevertheless...

Or, like in some Seinen manga's like "Monster" or "20th Century's Boys"(if you look for mind blowing plot, go get those!), reality is never as simple as good/bad dichotomy: in the end, you start wondering about values, even if "goodness" and "honesty" still win in the end.

So human, all in all...

*Bear hugs everyone*

I know why I love you all, guys !!

^__________^

More to come when I ahve more than 5 minutes of time on my hands

take care all.

Inuchan~

the problem with insomnia is that it makes you envision troubles far more bigger than they actually are...

anyway....i am now seriously thinking about how i gonna continue being a moderator, without firefox at work, and no permanent access to the internet anymore (my job being on hiatus, i really don't know about the future of my cyberlife, to be honest).

i am still around 2 days later forums: the people there are friends, my cyberdaifamily, and i simply cannot let them down.

daiforum was, is and always will be my true home though. should it disappear (virus and hacking troubles still being unresolved), i do not see myself starting anew, getting 14 000+ posts in another place.

more than a post average, it is the vivid testimony of about 2,( years of being active inside a community. with good and bad moments. i won't say it will be my last forum -- i am around others, with the same username -- but it will never be the same again.

i always said that i woudl never leave the forum, unless i am banned. i guess life's irony makes me stay away from it, against my will : with no FF at work, and no net at night, i really don't see how i could be there anymore.

i feel helpless, like i never felt before. because i am a total noob as far as tech aspects are concerned. i claim everywhere that i would die for this place, but the place itself is dying, and without me to hold its hand.

somehow, i knew it has to end one day..i have a family to have, a fiance to be with, a life, well, another side of my life to live. i would never have imagined it wold end that way.

at first, it was a way to talk to people that shared the same passion(s) than me. it soon became more than that. it is the reason, the explanation of the woman i have become now. the person that is talking to you, from behing the nickname, has been partly shaped thanks to this forum. and to the people she could talk to. and sometimes love. and sometimes, fight with. all of them made the little girl grow up, unafraid of her differences. still now, i sometimes have to suffer from loving Asia, its music, its culture, its people. not every person is as open-minded as the persons i could meet in daiforum. some will argue that it is easier to get on well, to accept other's ppl point of view through a computer screens. those who have witness my "fights" with some members knows it is not true. you laugh as well, you hurt as well, in the end, than in "real" life".

i know that i am repeating again, and again, maybe in other words, things i have said already.

i guess that the perspective of losing my job soon makes me realize more acutely about the end of things. it is like i have deliberately ignored from the very beginning that daiforum could ever disappear. it is like realising it now fully, at midnight, tired and nagged by insomnia.

it's been a while i haven't been so opened about myself. it's been a while i haven't hidden the sadness in me behing my almost legendary cheerfullness. somehow, that's what you become, a legend, lol. people hate you or appreciate you, but you do not let anybody indifferent. until people forget about you, and create new legends.

and the most amazing is that some people stay around, always, even though their own busy lives and crap makes them shine far away. you watch them evolve from far apart, and you smile at yourself, witnessing the long road they have walked on.

people like Dai's Apprentice, who is, like everybody knows, my dear fiance, the love of my life. of our story i won't say nothing more, i hope everyone understand i want to keep those things private.. ^^

Stovila , to begin with, his wallpapers and sense of humour, a person without whom i would never have become inuchan

Ken-sama, his neverending cheerfulness, popularity, and loyalty. never have i seen him act against his principle, or denigrate anyone

Rumble Fish and our love/hate posting.....

there is also FOBulous, whose writing amazes me day after day. a friend, a real one. someone that never betrays, and knows how to truely help the ppl in deep troubles. someone that never betrayed me, too.

or Mojo Shivers, who was there to pick me up when i was feeling lost, and had me grow up, even though he doesn't know it. a kind heart hidden by a wonderful writer. a mentor, and my best enemy ever.

Unwanted Fan, who i still wish to meet one day.

My sweet Mima and my dearest Ange Kaorin, Anna too, who i miss dearly, and so many other people...

i don't know exactly why i am writing all this. maybe i just felt like empty my heart, without causing anyone troubles. i chose to tell it all here, half anonymously, in the hope someone will take the time to read, and maybe react. i could have chosen to write it all in the secrecy of my pen and paper diary. but every blogger knows that it is feedback we are looking for.

i do not have the heart to give a title to it all. it is no farewell, no confession, no outcry of sadness...i mean, i am sad, i even brushed a few tears away, but it feel more like a last chapter to a book that will never be finished anyway...

i am genuinely sad, and all the pop/rock of Japan couldn't make me feel better.

- Ranma 1/2
- Card Captor Sakura
- Inuyasha
- Saishuu Heiki Kanojo
- Fruits Basket
- Nana
- Love Hina
- Monster
- 20th Century Boys
- Chobits
- GTO
* * *
- Ranma 1/2
- Inuyasha
- Lain
- Hellsing
- Cowboy Bebop
- Love Hina
- Mysterious Cities of Gold

Boobs and complicated thoughts

Instead of buying that dream phone (Samsung E530, in pink, cost: 300 euros)I have been drooling over for months, I think I gonna indulge myself into manga reading instead: GTO is really cracking me up, and all I need now (aside of a good Nookie with my honey ^^), is to laugh out all the crappy situation I put myself in.

Two weeks ago, I got the funny surprise of being scolded at by my GP. She bluntly told me that I was reaaaaaaaaly too complicated, and that some of her patients, that had in average only TWO (she emphazised the "two") neurones, would be able to get on better, and certainly in a less stressful manner that I did. She then handed me a medical certification, putting me at rest for two weeks.

I nearly fell off my chair, but was glad she did.

This, I cannot hide: I AM COMPLICATED A GIRL. Really complicated. Ever met someone afraid to go shopping in her favourite shop, while she manages to win an argument class training, in front of a 100 freshmen? That's me! Afraid of wearing skirts, while she does not hesitate to get into a big word battle with her boss? That's me, baby !! Afraid to drive a car, but flying to Manila the first time she takes a plane? That's me again!!!!

As far as I can go back in time, I see myself as a complicated child, too. Loving books, while her dad and mom do not read anything, but newspapers, playing "imaginary buddies" games instead of loving Barbies, playing a "i will save the whole fantasy world" while her girl friends play mommy with their dolls...

And so on, and so forth.

To tell you the truth, I never felt like I was fitting in the small portion of earth where I was born. When asked at ten, whet I'll do ten years after, I couldn't imagine what I'd be as a grown-up. And the funniest thing for the last: first time I had to wear a bra (I was 11 ) I didn't go "OMG I am a big girl now!!" Nooooooooo Sir !! What I thought was "Gezz, how am I supposed to play Shiryu (from Saint Seya, an anime featuring knights, long story...) if I have to wear a bra???????????

Laugh if you want, but it has been the biggest issue for months: I even started envy my girl friends whose breasts were still a joke, and used to fool around my house wearing no bra. (Until I realised that running bra-less HURTS A LOT, unless you're a guy, or a Acup girl...)

As a result, and at 28 year old and a half, I still look like a shy teenager, who buys manga while her fellow woman rush into the make-up shop next door...

But enough fan service now, back to the complicated topic:

I also met my fiance at the other side of the world: but I ask you seriously...Is it my fault if I never met anyone around my place, that understands me like he does? Or simply fell in love for good? Huh? huh? All the girls watch silly stuff like "Dawson's creek", Dallas, or whatever soap, fell for the incredible situations the heroines put themselves in, but should it happen for R-E-A-L to the girl next door, aka my, then it becomes a "complicated story"?

*no comment*

Had I chosen to marry the guy next door, just for the sake of not being a Virgin anymore, having a big car and a big house, and a lot of bills and debts to pay, would I be considered as "not complex"?

I think that some people finds it easier to call "complex" a situation that is "out of norms". Because of a logic they cannot grab, they like better break the monster's ideas instead of try and understand...It is okay though. I do not pretend having the true meaning of life. I got a lot of friends who are married and with childs, and I respect them as valiant women. And I do not say that my situation is simple: the difference is, I am ready to fight for it.

You see, there is always a solution, and it comes in the most unexpected way....The little girl , ashamed of her (rather big) breast , and her pale skin, has now found someone to match with her own particularities. Instead of calling it a complex situation, I call it "limpid".

;)

i got fired yesterday, but decided to face it all with a happy smile. got to work all the three month's notice however, the boss didn't/could'nt/wouldn't pay us the fees.

whatever.

i treat my parents to seafood restaurant yesterday, then we all when thrift shopping. i eased my news of the day with lots of Anais Nin journal. boy do i feel better !

now to listen to Maria Callas' Norma, while reading Soul Mountain by Gao Xinjian.

yet another thrift shop treasure.



nota bene: the French version (which I am reading, btw ;) )

Boxes

Been cleaning my room, and sorting my personal small belongings...you know all those small items you keep for ages, for many [sometimes forgotten] reasons...

here is the result, in pictures:


Kenzo box, with personal belongings


Kenzo box, details


Chinese box, with Monmon's letters


Chinese box, details


Iridonia's box, with the small belongings I am giving away


Iridonia's box, details


Letters box, with mails dating back from 15 years ago


Letters box, details


Carton box, with kawaii blings from the Philippines


Carton box, details

Diary's excerpts

(...)I feel like I am holding a burden too heaving for me. Wouldn't be the love and support of my fiance, family and close friends, I sincerely don't know how I could manage to hold on like I do. Putting that everlasting smile whenever you pass across my self. Being that ethereal person, cheerful smile and pearl-white skin.(...)

(...)Oddly enough, I do not feel "depressed" stricto sensu. No dark ideas, no suicidal tendencies, I wake up every morning with the rage to fight off my problems one by one. The fatigue got me, however, at the most crucial time. (...)

(...)I feel that my writing is not as concise or logically bound together as it used to. I feel it. I hope that it will help me, as a therapy does. (...)

(...)I still need to find the way to get past that temporary weakness. I need to get myself together. So far, I only found the writing as a way out -- that, and the mutual feelings my fiance and I both share -- I know my writing sux, but it is okay. I have no other pretention to feel better, and thru that, to be there for the persons who helped me out, or would might need me...

exhaustion

my body gave up at the post unexpected moment. better off taht way, i cannot endure the headaches and sleepless night, weird eating pattern and the general feeling of helplessness...

The Smile of Svetlana

Tatyana's Letter to Onegin

  ``I write to you -- no more confession
  is needed, nothing's left to tell.
  I know it's now in your discretion
  with scorn to make my world a hell.

  ``But, if you've kept some faint impression
  of pity for my wretched state,
  you'll never leave me to my fate.
  At first I thought it out of season
  to speak; believe me: of my shame
  you'd not so much as know the name,
  if I'd possessed the slightest reason
  to hope that even once a week
  I might have seen you, heard you speak
  on visits to us, and in greeting
  I might have said a word, and then
  thought, day and night, and thought again
  about one thing, till our next meeting.
  But you're not sociable, they say:
  you find the country godforsaken;
  though we... don't shine in any way,
  our joy in you is warmly taken.

     Why did you visit us, but why?
    Lost in our backwoods habitation
    I'd not have known you, therefore I
    would have been spared this laceration.
    In time, who knows, the agitation
    of inexperience would have passed,
    I would have found a friend, another,
    and in the role of virtuous mother
    and faithful wife I'd have been cast.



From "Eugene Onegin" - ch XXXI -
A.S. Pushkin

Back in University, I always had that habit to arrive in the morning, smiling.

Not that I was particularly happy to see the good ole brain factory every day God blessed me with, and certainly not some of the teachers around, but I would have better cut my tongue off than admit I was as stressed, as fed up, in two words, as insecure than my fellow students.

Not that I was particularly above material things and troubles. I was just a lambda student, but with a particularity. I absolutely refused to let my life die away under sudies's trivia. There was more to life than this, and our few free times were sacred to me. It meant opening a window to let fresh air in, and welcome dreams and fantasy. And read a lot, too. And sometimes write. It meant forgetting about being desperately alone, with no boyfriend to welcome me at night, It meant forgetting about the lack of "ambitions" that suit greedy students so well.

The more I was feeling out of place, the more I put on a happy face. The more people thought I was maybe a bit strange, to take everything that easy, I sure was someone special, maybe not from Earth.

They wondered how come I could smile that way, and started to envy my smile. Or taking me for a fool, depending on their moods, or the grin I was offering them.

How wrong they were. No magic was involved I swaer, nor any funny pills or meds. I was your regular glasses girl. Nothing to do with that blonde one, going out with the cutest guy in a place (actually a jerk that greeted me only when I was wearing a tailored skirt, you get the picture). I was so plain and so average, that some teacher deliberately ignored my mother, when she came to assist to the graduation, obviously saluting mothers whose kids were in the highest ranking graduees of our promotion... Until my Russian teacher came along. She took my mother by the arm, as if she had know her since childhood telling her how pleased she was to meet her. How worried she was about me and my health sometimes, and how hard I was working (this, at least for her classes, was absolutely true..)

I think of it all, I will never forget the smile my teacher had. I can still remember her cheerful tone, and her light, oh so light accent.

Svetlana Sergueevna Vogeleer was more than a teacher to me. She was my worst enemy too. A woman of steel handling people with velvet fingers, always rightgeous, never mean. We all feared to dissapoint her, more than getting bad marks. I remember one day, she asked me to take over the whole Interpretation lesson on my own, explaining to Russian guests what was the legal system in Belgian like. I was not the best student ever, but she had chosen me. And although I was scared at a point of trembling after the class, my smile had never faltered. Instead, it had become my ultimate weapon when I stuttered on Russian words, apologising in a cheeful grin. "Proctite, Svetlana Sergueevna, Mojete li vy menya pomojet?"

Somehow she is the one who learned me how to smile that way. Even if back then, I couldn't really understand it. She is the one who learned me to never give up, and always honour a work. To face responsibilities, no matter how hard it might be. I remember my freshman year, when, knowing that I had failed all along, I had attended the Oral Russian examination nonetheless, putting all my heart and soul into the poems we were to learn. At my delight, I picked up the hardest one, the Pushkin one:

"I kvam pichu: tchevo je voljet? Chto ia magy yechyo ckazat?...."
(I write to you, no more confession's needed, nothing's left to tell....)

Those are some of the most famous lines by Pushkin on his "Evgueni Onegin", and I am certain both her and I were enjoying the double meaning in the words. I was the best, and and I could see in her eyes she was sincerely proud of me. "You really are Tatiana, aren't you?" She told me, her everlasting smile beaming at me.

I could feel that, beyond the class material a teacher has taught a student well, she could sense so many more emotions: the respect, the happiness to work together, a somewhat feeling of understanding that Russian "Dycha" (or the soul) she was talking about so well. Not forgetting the sense of humour and self derision (I actually failed the freshman year. There was, indeed, nothing more to say....^_~)

I could see it all in her only smile. I could see it all in the sparkles of her eyes.


Ten years have passed since that poem day. The smiles stays in my mind forever. And when life gets really hard on me, I wish I could remember that smile forever.