sweet, cuz it's my last day of work
bitter, cuz i don't like it when people do not take their responsibilities
sweet, cuz in three days, i gonna be with my baby for real
bitter, cuz two weeks seem so short
sweet cuz i will be away from home
bitter cuz i will be away from home...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
russian memories
ok, right now i'd say that ima pretty busy....
caught in between, stress and impatience, so many things to think of, so many things to look forward to....
i feel like living the events instead of watching from a distance. even the words won't come easily those days... ^^
gonna go to a "russian supper" tonight....Guess i gonna meet good ole teachers, all those persons who mattered so much five years ago...they used to be the limits of my real world, the deadlines embodied in those flesh and bones ennemies...
lols
i used to have pretty weird relathionship with those back then.... something inbetween the wild to do a great job, and the dissapointment whenever i failed... i cannot recall that period as being the best of my life. far from it. it was a day to day stressfull journey, where i could manage some moments to dream on, having something to hold on to...anyway....
liek always, i feel liek finding any possible excuse not to go. being an aunt visiting me, or a suddent sickness.... i dread the moment when i will have to say "hi--how have you been-- thank you i am soooo happy to see you again--" not that i am not , well, a social animal, but simply i never find anything to say to anyone. like finding things to talk about to.... or even talking about me...anytime people ask me that question, i feel like shying away, kinda.... those are the moments when i'd wish my sweet one would be by my side..^^
i wonder if i'll still be able to talk in russian.... it's been so long since i haven't been practising it...^^
let's wait and see anyway.....
caught in between, stress and impatience, so many things to think of, so many things to look forward to....
i feel like living the events instead of watching from a distance. even the words won't come easily those days... ^^
gonna go to a "russian supper" tonight....Guess i gonna meet good ole teachers, all those persons who mattered so much five years ago...they used to be the limits of my real world, the deadlines embodied in those flesh and bones ennemies...
lols
i used to have pretty weird relathionship with those back then.... something inbetween the wild to do a great job, and the dissapointment whenever i failed... i cannot recall that period as being the best of my life. far from it. it was a day to day stressfull journey, where i could manage some moments to dream on, having something to hold on to...anyway....
liek always, i feel liek finding any possible excuse not to go. being an aunt visiting me, or a suddent sickness.... i dread the moment when i will have to say "hi--how have you been-- thank you i am soooo happy to see you again--" not that i am not , well, a social animal, but simply i never find anything to say to anyone. like finding things to talk about to.... or even talking about me...anytime people ask me that question, i feel like shying away, kinda.... those are the moments when i'd wish my sweet one would be by my side..^^
i wonder if i'll still be able to talk in russian.... it's been so long since i haven't been practising it...^^
let's wait and see anyway.....
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Notebooks
Today I browsed around the stationery department, as I often do in m lunch time. I like the smell of papers, the various colors of pens and pencils spread all around, students’ notebooks and the like. But this time, my heart went nearly to a stop when I discovered that my favourite shopping place finally got the "Moleskine" notebooks. They were all there, neatly arranged, in their perfect proportions and black covers. All gently appealing to my drooling self, which didn’t wait to bend closer and manipulate the precious objects of its affection with utmost care.
I know that, in our era of progress, PDA and modernity, I would be a freak to say so, but I have a kinda particular relationship with notebooks. I love them all. I love flipping through their white pages, to me they enclose much more mystery and promises than any other items. To me they represent the freedom of spirit, able to create between those pages the most wonderful stories, or the most secret ones. To me, notebooks have a life on their own, and it’s kinda with a religious care that I watch them or touch them.
As far as I can remember, I always had a notebook around. Be it the plain one you get for free at school, or the more elaborated one, with a hard cover and decorations I used to “keep for later”, since I would reluctantly write anything on it, thus breaking the magic of it’s virgin pages.
My mom used to tell me it will “pass with age”. That when I grow old, I would have more mature concern, than choosing a notebook. To write what in it, after all? Well in fact it didn’t pass. At all. It got worse. For when I become able to earn my own living, there were no more obstacles between me and the object of my affection, but my own free will.
Of course, I’ve been trying to rationalize. C’mon, what’s the use spending fifteen bucks (yes, fifteen) on a notebook, when you can write all the same on plain, cheap paper? Why buying yet another notebook, when you got plenty of those waiting for you in the corners of your drawers –remind me to write an entry about those too – almost untouched, and still waiting for your literary genius to spread on? Allright, Mister Justice, Sir I admit you are right-oh !!! I plead guilty all way through.
I admit that it’s not the beauty of an object that makes the writing easier. And that it certainly won’t give me any more brilliant ideas. It’s not because famous writers and painters used it that it gonna make me the next Goncourt prize.
But I always felt that the words, even the simplest, even the clumsiest, would look more beautiful if we granted them a nice place to live in. I always felt that, whereas some people find their perfect heaven on a beer and a football match, I would find mine by opening a nice notebook, and write whatever comes to my mind. However crappy it would be, I would simply enjoy the gesture. And maybe my little pride would be happy to trigger some interrogations in the passers-by mind, wondering about that little unusual object between my hands.
Maybe that’s my old-fashioned way of life that shines thru, I don’t know.
But somehow, I tell to myself that fifteen bucks to Paradise isn’t that expensive after all.
Only the price of a decent meal, or two monthly magazines.
And I think I would happily trade those for a little peace of my own heaven …
I know that, in our era of progress, PDA and modernity, I would be a freak to say so, but I have a kinda particular relationship with notebooks. I love them all. I love flipping through their white pages, to me they enclose much more mystery and promises than any other items. To me they represent the freedom of spirit, able to create between those pages the most wonderful stories, or the most secret ones. To me, notebooks have a life on their own, and it’s kinda with a religious care that I watch them or touch them.
As far as I can remember, I always had a notebook around. Be it the plain one you get for free at school, or the more elaborated one, with a hard cover and decorations I used to “keep for later”, since I would reluctantly write anything on it, thus breaking the magic of it’s virgin pages.
My mom used to tell me it will “pass with age”. That when I grow old, I would have more mature concern, than choosing a notebook. To write what in it, after all? Well in fact it didn’t pass. At all. It got worse. For when I become able to earn my own living, there were no more obstacles between me and the object of my affection, but my own free will.
Of course, I’ve been trying to rationalize. C’mon, what’s the use spending fifteen bucks (yes, fifteen) on a notebook, when you can write all the same on plain, cheap paper? Why buying yet another notebook, when you got plenty of those waiting for you in the corners of your drawers –remind me to write an entry about those too – almost untouched, and still waiting for your literary genius to spread on? Allright, Mister Justice, Sir I admit you are right-oh !!! I plead guilty all way through.
I admit that it’s not the beauty of an object that makes the writing easier. And that it certainly won’t give me any more brilliant ideas. It’s not because famous writers and painters used it that it gonna make me the next Goncourt prize.
But I always felt that the words, even the simplest, even the clumsiest, would look more beautiful if we granted them a nice place to live in. I always felt that, whereas some people find their perfect heaven on a beer and a football match, I would find mine by opening a nice notebook, and write whatever comes to my mind. However crappy it would be, I would simply enjoy the gesture. And maybe my little pride would be happy to trigger some interrogations in the passers-by mind, wondering about that little unusual object between my hands.
Maybe that’s my old-fashioned way of life that shines thru, I don’t know.
But somehow, I tell to myself that fifteen bucks to Paradise isn’t that expensive after all.
Only the price of a decent meal, or two monthly magazines.
And I think I would happily trade those for a little peace of my own heaven …
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Doggone it !!!
Some days feel like being doomed from the very beginning.
Sometimes I better stop thinking too much, stop getting pissed at the smallest thing, stop worrying for no reason…. Maybe it’s that stupid chill that gets we all weird…Kinda out of myself, a lingering headache, and vague sense of nausea, a heavy forehead, the impression that everything is too much, too hard, too far, too strong….
I wish that today would go on as it had started, a voice gently ringing in my ear, for too short a time, as always. As I closed my eyes and got back to a pleasant drowsiness, I figured for a little second the opportunity to call in sick. And get the chance to stay out of the world, out of the worries, just me and my stuffy nose for a slow dance under the sheets. And do not forget my friend Kleenex.
Alas, I got that stubbornness that some might call stupidity. Never able to seize the effortless opportunity when it crosses my way, no way, yours truly likes better to get into some silly nilly (yeah, just because it rhymes) arguments instead of taking care of herself.
I am in a state of mind where I could hate Paris for its cold wind. My selfish self would even rant further, and say that there was a conspiracy out there, freezing the weather just enough for me to get a cold, and just those 2 very days I decided to enlighten the city with my holy presence. You said cocky? You said cocky.
But let’s face the positive aspect of it all: no more boss, away getting even more digits on his private account, while I have the whole day for myself. Dare I say, the whole silence for myself. And the promise of maybe catching him later on. Priceless. I would give any treasure in the world for a glimpse of him. You said in love? You said in love, yes.
Now gonna take some aspirin. Hopefully the bubbly sparkly beverage will alleviate my pain, and make me feel high. Lol. The only thing that tasteless, vaguely salty medication leaves is a shivering impression through the whole body… Then I gonna fetch a pillow, a mattress and a warm blanket, and cosily (golly-ism) install meself under the desk. Please leave me a note on the keyboard, I’ll see what I can do when I get up. And can someone shut the windows,please? I would highly appreciate...
Sometimes I better stop thinking too much, stop getting pissed at the smallest thing, stop worrying for no reason…. Maybe it’s that stupid chill that gets we all weird…Kinda out of myself, a lingering headache, and vague sense of nausea, a heavy forehead, the impression that everything is too much, too hard, too far, too strong….
I wish that today would go on as it had started, a voice gently ringing in my ear, for too short a time, as always. As I closed my eyes and got back to a pleasant drowsiness, I figured for a little second the opportunity to call in sick. And get the chance to stay out of the world, out of the worries, just me and my stuffy nose for a slow dance under the sheets. And do not forget my friend Kleenex.
Alas, I got that stubbornness that some might call stupidity. Never able to seize the effortless opportunity when it crosses my way, no way, yours truly likes better to get into some silly nilly (yeah, just because it rhymes) arguments instead of taking care of herself.
I am in a state of mind where I could hate Paris for its cold wind. My selfish self would even rant further, and say that there was a conspiracy out there, freezing the weather just enough for me to get a cold, and just those 2 very days I decided to enlighten the city with my holy presence. You said cocky? You said cocky.
But let’s face the positive aspect of it all: no more boss, away getting even more digits on his private account, while I have the whole day for myself. Dare I say, the whole silence for myself. And the promise of maybe catching him later on. Priceless. I would give any treasure in the world for a glimpse of him. You said in love? You said in love, yes.
Now gonna take some aspirin. Hopefully the bubbly sparkly beverage will alleviate my pain, and make me feel high. Lol. The only thing that tasteless, vaguely salty medication leaves is a shivering impression through the whole body… Then I gonna fetch a pillow, a mattress and a warm blanket, and cosily (golly-ism) install meself under the desk. Please leave me a note on the keyboard, I’ll see what I can do when I get up. And can someone shut the windows,please? I would highly appreciate...
Friday, April 08, 2005
Looks like...
Looks like it’s going to snow this weekend...
Not that I complain, Sir, oh no, not I. Thing is…… Weather isn’t what it used to be, is it? With all their bombs and crazy planes all around the planet, and all….. Guess it doesn’t help, does it?
Well I had a shower this morning, as every morning, this is….. Not that it is quite important, Sir, is it? Well at least you know that I am taking care of myself, of my body to be fresh and perfect, guess the other way round won’t be that much funny, would it?
But how to take care of my soul anyway, Sir? How to keep it clean when all I see around me is sad, angry and tainted? Is my thinking about the deceased Holy Father of us all makes me a better person? It’s 10 AM my place, Sir, and I can hear the bells from here. Not that I am a deep religious person, sir, I mean….I have respect for those things, even if I do not believe in them anymore… You cannot deny your values all way through can you?
Looks like it’s going to snow this weekend. Maybe did I tell you that already? The coffee tasted funny this morning. As the previous morning either. Maybe it is because it’s no real coffee…. Not that I believe that this brown powder can equal the real coffee, do I?
Not that I complain, Sir, oh no. Not I…thing is…I gonna meet my best friend tonight, long time I haven’t seen her, Sir… So who cares about the weather, sir, not I, not I…
Same as for my holidays, Sir….. I gonna head for sunnier side soon….. But again, who cares about the beaches and the palm trees, when you gonna meet the person that make you shine all the way through? Simply by his voice, simply by his smile? I couldn't trade this for anything on earth, could I?
But maybe I annoy you, Sir? Maybe you better wait for your train without my talking to you? Maybe you are better off with your corporate problems, or the though of your wife moaning in another embrace? Not that I know any of it , Sir, but I feel for you though….
Life can be so crazy, a bit like the weather today….Looks like it is going to snow this weekend, don’t you think so?
Some would say that loneliness is best, some would say that loneliness is worse. I experienced both of it, and I can tell you that …. Oh, but it looks like your train has arrived? Well, farewell, Sir, be careful to keep your wallet safe…Looks like we gonna have the same journey you and I. Maybe both our solitudes will meet somewhere?
Me? No, there isn’t any train waiting for me. There isn’t anywhere I can call it a home. Maybe I do not exist anyway…..Maybe I simply jumped out of your imagination, maybe I am the free spirit you have always wanted to be? I don’t know, Sir, I really don’t…..
But I am certain it is going to snow this weekend…..
Not that I complain, Sir, oh no, not I. Thing is…… Weather isn’t what it used to be, is it? With all their bombs and crazy planes all around the planet, and all….. Guess it doesn’t help, does it?
Well I had a shower this morning, as every morning, this is….. Not that it is quite important, Sir, is it? Well at least you know that I am taking care of myself, of my body to be fresh and perfect, guess the other way round won’t be that much funny, would it?
But how to take care of my soul anyway, Sir? How to keep it clean when all I see around me is sad, angry and tainted? Is my thinking about the deceased Holy Father of us all makes me a better person? It’s 10 AM my place, Sir, and I can hear the bells from here. Not that I am a deep religious person, sir, I mean….I have respect for those things, even if I do not believe in them anymore… You cannot deny your values all way through can you?
Looks like it’s going to snow this weekend. Maybe did I tell you that already? The coffee tasted funny this morning. As the previous morning either. Maybe it is because it’s no real coffee…. Not that I believe that this brown powder can equal the real coffee, do I?
Not that I complain, Sir, oh no. Not I…thing is…I gonna meet my best friend tonight, long time I haven’t seen her, Sir… So who cares about the weather, sir, not I, not I…
Same as for my holidays, Sir….. I gonna head for sunnier side soon….. But again, who cares about the beaches and the palm trees, when you gonna meet the person that make you shine all the way through? Simply by his voice, simply by his smile? I couldn't trade this for anything on earth, could I?
But maybe I annoy you, Sir? Maybe you better wait for your train without my talking to you? Maybe you are better off with your corporate problems, or the though of your wife moaning in another embrace? Not that I know any of it , Sir, but I feel for you though….
Life can be so crazy, a bit like the weather today….Looks like it is going to snow this weekend, don’t you think so?
Some would say that loneliness is best, some would say that loneliness is worse. I experienced both of it, and I can tell you that …. Oh, but it looks like your train has arrived? Well, farewell, Sir, be careful to keep your wallet safe…Looks like we gonna have the same journey you and I. Maybe both our solitudes will meet somewhere?
Me? No, there isn’t any train waiting for me. There isn’t anywhere I can call it a home. Maybe I do not exist anyway…..Maybe I simply jumped out of your imagination, maybe I am the free spirit you have always wanted to be? I don’t know, Sir, I really don’t…..
But I am certain it is going to snow this weekend…..
Thursday, April 07, 2005
"Iridonia"
"Oh I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I get high with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends"Joe Cocker
I received sad news from a friend today.
Well , in fact, no, I cannot say she is my friend. She is more than this. For I’ve been knowing her since her birth, and I sometimes feel she is the lil’ sister I’ve never had.
Never have I seen her so sad, never have I read so depressed words coming from her. And all the same, I felt like I nearly lost her meanwhile. Where was I, all this time?
I maybe know her more than anyone else around, I can understand her, maybe because somehow we are tuned in the same way. I know her Ivory Tower where she can find solace, as I know most of her world within, a world she has created on her own a few years ago.
She has so many things to say yet. So many people to meet yet. How I wish she can meet them at last.
So here’s my little tribute to her, to my favourite otaku…… Never forget, Iri, taht your Inu is always around...
Hold on, little sister…
Monday, April 04, 2005
Planes Above my Head
I couldn’t say that I am scared.
Maybe afraid of the unknown, as it sometimes occur. Ten times a day, I see myself playing again and again the movie of the departure. Ten times a night, I switch from highest joys do deepest nightmares.
And in my worst terror scheme, I see myself lost in the airport, or worse, missing my plane. Watching it rocketing to the sky while i stay stuck in the ground.
I know that most of those are irrational fears. I know that there is always a solution, a way out of it. That if you take securities, like coming up reeeeealy early, be careful to the signs and ask for directions, there shouldn’t be any problems….
Thing is…
Not only will that plane means meeting the unknown, but also be at the very beginning of a major change in my life. I feel like taking this plane will mean that for the first time, I took some major decision about life and love. That for the first time, I will be the main character in my own decisions….
And in a world where people take planes as casually as they take their cars, maybe I’ll be the only one flying high on a dream to become true.
I simply cannot miss that plane.
I simply have to be with you.
Maybe afraid of the unknown, as it sometimes occur. Ten times a day, I see myself playing again and again the movie of the departure. Ten times a night, I switch from highest joys do deepest nightmares.
And in my worst terror scheme, I see myself lost in the airport, or worse, missing my plane. Watching it rocketing to the sky while i stay stuck in the ground.
I know that most of those are irrational fears. I know that there is always a solution, a way out of it. That if you take securities, like coming up reeeeealy early, be careful to the signs and ask for directions, there shouldn’t be any problems….
Thing is…
Not only will that plane means meeting the unknown, but also be at the very beginning of a major change in my life. I feel like taking this plane will mean that for the first time, I took some major decision about life and love. That for the first time, I will be the main character in my own decisions….
And in a world where people take planes as casually as they take their cars, maybe I’ll be the only one flying high on a dream to become true.
I simply cannot miss that plane.
I simply have to be with you.
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