Trying to write myself out there, before I start crying again... Why is it so, why are girls genetically programmed to cry a river whenever they feel upset...
I guess that's how I feel now... I guess once again, I reached that point of lucidity, when I see myself all in black and white, instead of technicolors.
I miss Monmon more than ever, and no one's around me, not even my friends can understand that. They keep asking me how do I feel, and I don't dare answering that I am not okay... I don't like all the Xmas stuffs going out, because once again, I will be alone here. No party, no presents, no nothing but me trying to smile and be happy and contented with what I got.
I wanna try and give happiness then, instead of craving for it... At least making people happy around me, I think I owe then that ...
I sing too. To heel to those who gonna believe I am getting too proud, or that I am too influenced by the Star Academy bullshit, for I sing goddam good, so says the comments that El-g reports to me. I still cannot believe it, but gosh, does it feel good to have a positive opinion of one self.
Something else than the failure who is still unemployed, and ashamed to be so.
I write too, but that, I think is not allowed to me. Whearas my doctor is congratulating some friend of mine for self expression, all I get is a grumpy "well, do find yourself a job and stop complaining". How fair is that I wonder.... Not that I need feedback to know what my writing is worth of (average, i guess), but a fair treatment, and some consideration when I feel like eating a whole box of Prozac would be welcomed. or when I go and ask for help, when it all becomes so hard I cannot be strong by myself anymore....
I still fall from time to time, but the sadness parts get smaller and smaller...Somehow I am proud to see I can heal by myself..
And also..I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK. And I don't talk about seasonal chills or flu, bless me, no! I talk about that nasty thing that Hypothyroid is: not serious enough to have people getting it seriously (ill? cmon, you do not look ill, do you?), but which still get me exhausted after one miserable shopping afternoon. I also read somewhere that this kind of disease gets people a little depressed, bet this explains what...
And furthermore...I am trying like a fool to get better by myself. Without any meds, or pill, ot doctorlaughing at me. I try to get back some more sleep, some joy too ( I have a wonderful fiance, lovely parents, and a somewhat lucky life), trying to compare myself to real miserable people, that way I don't find any right to moan over my fate. I wish I could see my friends more often though. Got for a drink, even I hate drinking, or to the movies. Anything but my golden cage. But voilà, my best friend is on honeymoon, and you don't disturb people when they are happy, are you?
God bless I can see my honey everyday. You cannot tell how precious a few minutes are, when you are lucky enough to have your fiancé living near you, in the same country. So stopcomplaining about those "13 kilometers between him and I", and call it a long distance relationship, because I feel like yelling at you and your selfishness...
Thank you forum, either. People are there for you, or at least always will lend you an ear, no matter how busy they are... Sosme will argue it is easy, it's internet, you can switch off anytime you like...but you could also not log at all, and go download pron... No, those friends where there 3 years ago, and still are... And I respect them as much as I respect real people...
Time and again, I feel like I live in my own world... I see things differently, reacts differently... and I don't know if it is for good ot not...
2 comments:
Ha, Inuchan!!! You are not alone! People know similar situations... I am one of them. The girl of my heart is living in Japan. I could see her 1 month in July and that's it for this year. Since then, only MSN and mails and phone had to do. T_T
I know it can be hard, sometimes more than usual, on special occasion, or just when you feel like holding your beloved one next to you. It happens so often. I generally feel good, taking everything inside, but then, at some point, it kinda bursts out all at once, and then I feel bad, really bad. I wanna say fuck to the world. Fortunately, my girl is patient enough and loves me enough to understand that, and she's always there for me when I need her, and I am for her when she needs me. But in the end, you're always frustrated, cuz, you're just not there with her (or him in your case). Anyway, I can tell you one thing: not only girls are programmed to cry. I think it's a good way to evacuate all that you kept inside. If I didn't cry sometimes, I think I would've gone crazy already.
I also had a very bad opinion about myself. Thought I was a loser, cuz I kept giving up my studies, and starting all over with something else. Until I found my way with japanese. But still, I thought bad about myself. That I was worth less than others, that I didn't deserve to love and to be loved, that no one could ever get interested in such a poor guy. I just hadn't met the good people yet. It's only been two years since my self-opinion changed. Now I feel good and happy. But the old me is still there, I know it, somewhere, deep inside my heart. And sometimes, when I feel depressed, he tends to show up again. I don't know you so well, but I know something. Wether people are close or not doesn't matter, if they really love you. Cuz they'll be there for you, no matter what. And that kind of people is rare. I'm sure your lover's one of them.
We found love in a difficult situation. But we hold on, right? Of that we can be proud, cuz, as you said it, so many people complain about such stupid thing, not knowing the chance they have.
And Inu, if writing helps you, DON'T STOP! Don't listen whatever shit people say and just express yourself the way you feel you need. I think it's the best way not to go mad. I'm not so active on daiforum as I used to be, but I'm there, if you need an extra ear! ;)
your words are healing Kami, and I do appreciate your taking the time to leave a comment ^^
it all bursting all at once for me too, and it is never the best moment to do so..and in those days, i really feel lame.
what's left are the good moments. and the feelings, and the reasons why we love our special someone. and it is enough to give the will to go on...
Post a Comment