Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
good day
There was no point at all to the three previous entries, so I deleted them.
I still have the same problem, I can't talk openly about the things that worry me. So I end up having all those worries packed in a corner of my mind, and when the tension is too big, I cry.
If I had to say what I think of me right now, all I see is a dependent, whiny bitch. In general, I can mask the way howI feel to everyone (at a point that everyone envy my cheerful-ness), my scarce friends who always see me smile, or my parents, to whom I say I am perfectly fine. The only person seeing hte truth is my fiancé, whose help is precious to me...Him only can make me smile, and get me stronger.... [There is just that thing with meals, I cannot eat up because I have gotten sick of greasy meats and untasty mashed potatoes. I miss fried rice, but since I am the only one eating it here, it's not always possible to cook...]
I do not believe anybody who would tell me "why don't you go see a psychologist, and explain how you feel"? All I want to say to those people (and I know they say that for my own good) is: never trust a psychologist. All what they do is search your inner thoughts, in order to prove that you have a problem. In the society we live in, no one is entitled to sadness, since it is seen as a failure. All that they see, and assume, is that such a person who cries must endure depression...
Now , give me a break. I perfectly know why I am in such a sad mood, and I do not need any of your pills, or advice. I miss my best friend first place, more than I had imagined. Thinking of her is enough to bring tears in my eyes, and I am afraid to tell her how I really feel, because I do not want to annoy her. I miss my fiance like crazy, and I do miss him even more than my best friend. I won't go into details here, because it belongs to us only....I miss having friends I could go out with, or a family I could visit. Loneliness, well I am used to it, but I don't know why, it is feeling heavier on my heart those days.
What are the solutions?
Well if I leave my rational brain take upon the emotional one (at last), the only solution I see is to be strong. And this, forgive me, physchologists, is a thing one has to find within. Never have I heard of pills that would give you more confidence, if it was so, you'd be all unemployed like me...
I had a serious talk last night with my fiancé, which help to point out more problems. My fear of people and lack of confidence. Come to think of it, those are both intertwined. Lack of confidence leads to a bad image of one self, and makes believe everyone is your enemy. The only thing I can't get clear yet is why I have become so afraid. I used to be the one who loved public talks and presentations, gosh I even sang onstage in front of my whole school (and you know how teens can be cynical to each other...) . What has broken up inside I wonder. I assume my past job is half responsible, even though I cannot pin out any detailed event, that might have cause the failure...
So what now?
I need to find a way out of all this bullshit (word chosen on purpose). I need to find something that would divert my mind from all its sad patterns...I need to stop worrying whenever my fiance is not near me...I tried to sing a bit, but there are so many songs, I feel so much pressure I am afraid I will never be able to sing them right. The writing seems a good thing too, but I cannot get myself to write on my own...Call me attention b!tch, but that's the way I feel....Like sending signals beyond the "I am ok, everything's ok" social varnish, in the hope someone would notice. In general, strangers see you in a totally different aspect, it helps putting yourself back together. Or read other's people problem too. It helps you see you are not the only one in trouble.
I'd like to take back drawing too. I know I said taht so many times (gomen, ne Asudef) that it is hard to believe I am serious about it. I'll try to improve my cooking too. When my hands are occupied, my mind is at rest.
There is of course the best solution: be together with my honey. Let's say that our situation takes more time and preparation than average, that's why I have to be stronger than normal too. As mahal ko says "when life gets you, kick back". Oh so true... ^*^
I am not sure this will help though. My blog is not what you can call attractive or popular, and my forums activities are far less open than , say, three years ago? In there, I feel like I am the one having to give good example, and help people if I can... Haha, looks like it is me in need now.
I feel quieter now, if not fully better. I stopped all my stupid things, and clingy ones. (Like sending 45 txt in 5 minutes, okay I exaggerate (sp?) but you get the meaning ^^) And also, never ever try to scratch yourself, thinking physical pain is better than emotional one. In the end, you'll look like a fool, and believe me it hurts, even a day after: old demons are sometimes ahrd to fight back, and they never forget how to break your defences. Do not cry too much either, it makes your eyes look puffy and ugly. No one wants to talk to a waterfall, it biases the conversation anyway. There is something blackmail-ish in crying oneself out, and too long.
This said, will I be able to follow the good pieces of advice I am giving? Well I do not have any choice. If I want to feel better, it is now or never.
I still have the same problem, I can't talk openly about the things that worry me. So I end up having all those worries packed in a corner of my mind, and when the tension is too big, I cry.
If I had to say what I think of me right now, all I see is a dependent, whiny bitch. In general, I can mask the way howI feel to everyone (at a point that everyone envy my cheerful-ness), my scarce friends who always see me smile, or my parents, to whom I say I am perfectly fine. The only person seeing hte truth is my fiancé, whose help is precious to me...Him only can make me smile, and get me stronger.... [There is just that thing with meals, I cannot eat up because I have gotten sick of greasy meats and untasty mashed potatoes. I miss fried rice, but since I am the only one eating it here, it's not always possible to cook...]
I do not believe anybody who would tell me "why don't you go see a psychologist, and explain how you feel"? All I want to say to those people (and I know they say that for my own good) is: never trust a psychologist. All what they do is search your inner thoughts, in order to prove that you have a problem. In the society we live in, no one is entitled to sadness, since it is seen as a failure. All that they see, and assume, is that such a person who cries must endure depression...
Now , give me a break. I perfectly know why I am in such a sad mood, and I do not need any of your pills, or advice. I miss my best friend first place, more than I had imagined. Thinking of her is enough to bring tears in my eyes, and I am afraid to tell her how I really feel, because I do not want to annoy her. I miss my fiance like crazy, and I do miss him even more than my best friend. I won't go into details here, because it belongs to us only....I miss having friends I could go out with, or a family I could visit. Loneliness, well I am used to it, but I don't know why, it is feeling heavier on my heart those days.
What are the solutions?
Well if I leave my rational brain take upon the emotional one (at last), the only solution I see is to be strong. And this, forgive me, physchologists, is a thing one has to find within. Never have I heard of pills that would give you more confidence, if it was so, you'd be all unemployed like me...
I had a serious talk last night with my fiancé, which help to point out more problems. My fear of people and lack of confidence. Come to think of it, those are both intertwined. Lack of confidence leads to a bad image of one self, and makes believe everyone is your enemy. The only thing I can't get clear yet is why I have become so afraid. I used to be the one who loved public talks and presentations, gosh I even sang onstage in front of my whole school (and you know how teens can be cynical to each other...) . What has broken up inside I wonder. I assume my past job is half responsible, even though I cannot pin out any detailed event, that might have cause the failure...
So what now?
I need to find a way out of all this bullshit (word chosen on purpose). I need to find something that would divert my mind from all its sad patterns...I need to stop worrying whenever my fiance is not near me...I tried to sing a bit, but there are so many songs, I feel so much pressure I am afraid I will never be able to sing them right. The writing seems a good thing too, but I cannot get myself to write on my own...Call me attention b!tch, but that's the way I feel....Like sending signals beyond the "I am ok, everything's ok" social varnish, in the hope someone would notice. In general, strangers see you in a totally different aspect, it helps putting yourself back together. Or read other's people problem too. It helps you see you are not the only one in trouble.
I'd like to take back drawing too. I know I said taht so many times (gomen, ne Asudef) that it is hard to believe I am serious about it. I'll try to improve my cooking too. When my hands are occupied, my mind is at rest.
There is of course the best solution: be together with my honey. Let's say that our situation takes more time and preparation than average, that's why I have to be stronger than normal too. As mahal ko says "when life gets you, kick back". Oh so true... ^*^
I am not sure this will help though. My blog is not what you can call attractive or popular, and my forums activities are far less open than , say, three years ago? In there, I feel like I am the one having to give good example, and help people if I can... Haha, looks like it is me in need now.
I feel quieter now, if not fully better. I stopped all my stupid things, and clingy ones. (Like sending 45 txt in 5 minutes, okay I exaggerate (sp?) but you get the meaning ^^) And also, never ever try to scratch yourself, thinking physical pain is better than emotional one. In the end, you'll look like a fool, and believe me it hurts, even a day after: old demons are sometimes ahrd to fight back, and they never forget how to break your defences. Do not cry too much either, it makes your eyes look puffy and ugly. No one wants to talk to a waterfall, it biases the conversation anyway. There is something blackmail-ish in crying oneself out, and too long.
This said, will I be able to follow the good pieces of advice I am giving? Well I do not have any choice. If I want to feel better, it is now or never.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
... --- ...
i feel so pathetic I am hesitating between bitch-slapping myself, or rolling over the floor crying.
None of those solutions being lady-like, let's opt for a daily rant no one will ever read, maybe that' a good thing.
I feel sad
I feel lonely
I feel like that crappy weekend will be a neverending missed rendezvous between my honey and I.
I feel like I am slowly sliding on sadness Inc. side of life, and I do not like this at all.
I feel like I am screaming and no one answers...
I can't even focus right to sing , which is a catastrophe, because work accumulates...
I even thought about resigning from daiforum...Amongst the supidest things I'd do in my life,
this one is top ranking: it would mean breaking the only link between I and real people I can
actually talk with...
Someone please help me, because I feel I cannot face it all alone.
...---...
None of those solutions being lady-like, let's opt for a daily rant no one will ever read, maybe that' a good thing.
I feel sad
I feel lonely
I feel like that crappy weekend will be a neverending missed rendezvous between my honey and I.
I feel like I am slowly sliding on sadness Inc. side of life, and I do not like this at all.
I feel like I am screaming and no one answers...
I can't even focus right to sing , which is a catastrophe, because work accumulates...
I even thought about resigning from daiforum...Amongst the supidest things I'd do in my life,
this one is top ranking: it would mean breaking the only link between I and real people I can
actually talk with...
Someone please help me, because I feel I cannot face it all alone.
...---...
Saturday, October 14, 2006
*low battery signal*
I don't know if some days are just meant to be crappy or if it is just the way how you look at them, but today was sure not as fun as it should be..
Today is the day when my phone decided, after 2 years and a half of faithful presence by my side, to act weird and pull some teenage angst syndrome. From "hey i do not wanna charge my battery correctly' to " see if i care sending your super important text", it's falling from Charybdes to Scylla at top speed, and I do not like this.
Maybe it overheard me, and knows I gonna trade it for Sony Ericsson... Anyways, I can promise anything, even keeping it despite of its fallen memory...Anything but please STAYS ON until november, I don't have money ready now.
I positively dislike myself (not hate, mind you, this is to vain a feeling) when I feel so abated... Seems like today the only thing keeping me alive and kicking was to see my honey tonight...Until I receive his message, sorry I'll be late home tonight.
I just broke down and cried. Cried like a spoilt child, I admit it, and begged him to please see me. I just broke down, and I cannot see any reasonable reasons. No lack of trust, no jealousy, just the infinite feeling of loneliness, and the vanity of the day passed. Like a part of my sky slowly fading to grey. Those are the only moments when I hate (and not dislike, mind you, the word is too weak) those miles between us. It's human nature I guess, weakness is inherent to mankind's mind.
It's human too, that sense of loneliness...
It is what makes me cherish every single bits together. Seeing him, hearing him. There are days when I could trade anything for his voice, his image frozen in my computer. There are days where I could fall in love with my cellphone, when it delivers sweet morning kisses, and a begging to please take care. There is in the end the fear to lose him, damn the traffic, typhoons, and so many other improbable catastrophe. There is also, in darkest hours, the panic of a life without him. That irrational dread freezing me on my tracks, it seldom happens hopefully...It's as if all the tensions of the days (no job, at home, no uy, no sex, no friends) were rushing down into one, dreadful thought, becoming that monster of panic inside...
I am far too edgy, far too stressed.
I'd better do something, quickly , to fight against it. My mind needs a rest, needs to retrieve its peace of mind and its strenght.
And I must find that strengh all alone. That's the only way. No one can teach you how to be strong, you have to get thru it alone.
So far, writing seems the only way out. Be it wild, or whiny or happy, I need getting that sorrow out of myself. Off myself. Away from me.
Maybe I should try and write those lyrics El-g needs.
So what about machines then? They keep the link alive, but cannot, in no way break it. Be it lack of battery, or inner failures. I am the one nurturing the link, making it alive. I am the love giver, and receiver.
*low battery signal*
Today is the day when my phone decided, after 2 years and a half of faithful presence by my side, to act weird and pull some teenage angst syndrome. From "hey i do not wanna charge my battery correctly' to " see if i care sending your super important text", it's falling from Charybdes to Scylla at top speed, and I do not like this.
Maybe it overheard me, and knows I gonna trade it for Sony Ericsson... Anyways, I can promise anything, even keeping it despite of its fallen memory...Anything but please STAYS ON until november, I don't have money ready now.
I positively dislike myself (not hate, mind you, this is to vain a feeling) when I feel so abated... Seems like today the only thing keeping me alive and kicking was to see my honey tonight...Until I receive his message, sorry I'll be late home tonight.
I just broke down and cried. Cried like a spoilt child, I admit it, and begged him to please see me. I just broke down, and I cannot see any reasonable reasons. No lack of trust, no jealousy, just the infinite feeling of loneliness, and the vanity of the day passed. Like a part of my sky slowly fading to grey. Those are the only moments when I hate (and not dislike, mind you, the word is too weak) those miles between us. It's human nature I guess, weakness is inherent to mankind's mind.
It's human too, that sense of loneliness...
It is what makes me cherish every single bits together. Seeing him, hearing him. There are days when I could trade anything for his voice, his image frozen in my computer. There are days where I could fall in love with my cellphone, when it delivers sweet morning kisses, and a begging to please take care. There is in the end the fear to lose him, damn the traffic, typhoons, and so many other improbable catastrophe. There is also, in darkest hours, the panic of a life without him. That irrational dread freezing me on my tracks, it seldom happens hopefully...It's as if all the tensions of the days (no job, at home, no uy, no sex, no friends) were rushing down into one, dreadful thought, becoming that monster of panic inside...
I am far too edgy, far too stressed.
I'd better do something, quickly , to fight against it. My mind needs a rest, needs to retrieve its peace of mind and its strenght.
And I must find that strengh all alone. That's the only way. No one can teach you how to be strong, you have to get thru it alone.
So far, writing seems the only way out. Be it wild, or whiny or happy, I need getting that sorrow out of myself. Off myself. Away from me.
Maybe I should try and write those lyrics El-g needs.
So what about machines then? They keep the link alive, but cannot, in no way break it. Be it lack of battery, or inner failures. I am the one nurturing the link, making it alive. I am the love giver, and receiver.
*low battery signal*
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Pressure , pressure, how can I get away from you?
Wish I could blow a fuse sometimes, you know, going out with friends, and forget for a while life's pressure...
Generally I deal with it quite well, but there are days, like today, when I start doubting, and worrying about work/life/how to make things work... I feel like I am trapped in a neverending spiral of bad news, or is it just the way I am looking at it?
Anyhows, lets start by writing it off my chest, better than being moody all the time, everywhere...
Aja aja...FIGHTING !!!
Wish I could blow a fuse sometimes, you know, going out with friends, and forget for a while life's pressure...
Generally I deal with it quite well, but there are days, like today, when I start doubting, and worrying about work/life/how to make things work... I feel like I am trapped in a neverending spiral of bad news, or is it just the way I am looking at it?
Anyhows, lets start by writing it off my chest, better than being moody all the time, everywhere...
Aja aja...FIGHTING !!!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
To Claire
So here I am, back from my best friend's wedding ^^
It sounds like a movie title, and the whole ceremony and party sure looked like one: a beautiful bride, a perfect scenery, and one of the maid, aka myself, feeling ill, you get just the right amount of romanticism you need, hehe ^^
To Claire:
I don't know if you gonna ever read this, but right now I cannot find the courage to write down to you: I miss you, more than I had imagined, I must confess it. I feel sorry for not having been able to hide my tears from you, I simply hope you will not be mad at me... Never had I seen a bride as beautiful as you, and by that, I mean that kind of serenity that accompanied you throughout the day.. The few times I could catch a glimpse of you was a portrait of a young lady I am proud to be a best friend of...My only regret is to have left, dare I say, fled from, the Honour Table... My emotions were so shattered I could barely speak.. I hope that, for that too, you won't be mad at me.
Now that I am back home, I cannot help feeling lonely...your happy presence, and your family left a void. I know that it is how life goes, but I miss them dearly too.
As I think about our ten years of friendship, I cannot help but remembering our days together, at ILMH, or at work... And every time, it is nothing but happy memories that comes to mind.. From laughters to serious discussions, troubles of our romantic hearts and silences too. I often wonder what person I would have been, what path I would have followed, hadn't you been around me. Amongst the many things you brought to me is the love for singing (the first thing that brought us closer, do you remember>?)a bit more holiness in life, and a new belief in God, a God I nearly lost so many times... In my turn, I guess I brought you the love for Japanese food and things (^^), and I guess a sense of sweet funny-ness, I don't know how to call it otherway..
You were the first person I ever told about my writing, and even if I never managed completing any stories, it was important to have you knowing it.
You also learned me how to be strong, giving yourself the example...As I now am trudging through hard times, I remember the days when life was unkind to you, and when you kept on going on, your faith unaltered. It is your example I follow, and I know that my stubborness makes the path even harder, but I promise I will do my best.
All right Claire, let me wish to both Philippe you all the happiness and true joy tha can exist here and beyond.. Never forget that there still be someone ready to sing "File la laine" or "Le pont Mirabeau" with you...
Those words, I wish I could have said them to you, instead of writing here...but you know me, talking is not my forte, especially when it comes to deep down serious things, such as friendship and more.
Take care, always.
It sounds like a movie title, and the whole ceremony and party sure looked like one: a beautiful bride, a perfect scenery, and one of the maid, aka myself, feeling ill, you get just the right amount of romanticism you need, hehe ^^
To Claire:
I don't know if you gonna ever read this, but right now I cannot find the courage to write down to you: I miss you, more than I had imagined, I must confess it. I feel sorry for not having been able to hide my tears from you, I simply hope you will not be mad at me... Never had I seen a bride as beautiful as you, and by that, I mean that kind of serenity that accompanied you throughout the day.. The few times I could catch a glimpse of you was a portrait of a young lady I am proud to be a best friend of...My only regret is to have left, dare I say, fled from, the Honour Table... My emotions were so shattered I could barely speak.. I hope that, for that too, you won't be mad at me.
Now that I am back home, I cannot help feeling lonely...your happy presence, and your family left a void. I know that it is how life goes, but I miss them dearly too.
As I think about our ten years of friendship, I cannot help but remembering our days together, at ILMH, or at work... And every time, it is nothing but happy memories that comes to mind.. From laughters to serious discussions, troubles of our romantic hearts and silences too. I often wonder what person I would have been, what path I would have followed, hadn't you been around me. Amongst the many things you brought to me is the love for singing (the first thing that brought us closer, do you remember>?)a bit more holiness in life, and a new belief in God, a God I nearly lost so many times... In my turn, I guess I brought you the love for Japanese food and things (^^), and I guess a sense of sweet funny-ness, I don't know how to call it otherway..
You were the first person I ever told about my writing, and even if I never managed completing any stories, it was important to have you knowing it.
You also learned me how to be strong, giving yourself the example...As I now am trudging through hard times, I remember the days when life was unkind to you, and when you kept on going on, your faith unaltered. It is your example I follow, and I know that my stubborness makes the path even harder, but I promise I will do my best.
All right Claire, let me wish to both Philippe you all the happiness and true joy tha can exist here and beyond.. Never forget that there still be someone ready to sing "File la laine" or "Le pont Mirabeau" with you...
Those words, I wish I could have said them to you, instead of writing here...but you know me, talking is not my forte, especially when it comes to deep down serious things, such as friendship and more.
Take care, always.
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