a magic eraser

if i could get a magic eraser, i would use it at once. erase a bit of this day, between noon and dusk. i would have a chance to think back twice before saying stupid things. magic erasers do not exists, well, not in my world. so i will be reasonable. and say "never again", thinking about the meaning of the words this time.

the day has been stormy indeed, and in the garden too. the trees are now all naked, and winter really feels like coming. wonder if we'll get snow (i doubt). so as a real november girl, i stayed inside. i tried to read a bit but the eyes hurt too much. so i wrote a bit, but soon erased it all. meanwhile, nick stokes was trapped in his glass coffin, over and over again.

i am no good at expressing clearly how i feel, especially when i feel upset. i cuddle up behind my words, thinking people will guess the right meaning. of course it doesnt work. never hide behind words, for even if you can be seen from outer their edges, their meaning is nothing if you don't help a bit. you cannot see them, but they trap you nonetheless. like glass.

i think i gonna get a bit of sleep now. crying is useless, and nick stokes has been rescued from his glass prison by his friend. see, always trust your friends. do not hide away from them , the way i do too often. i can be saved from my glass box too. by someone who is more than a friend, and who means the world to me, and beyond. he doesn't use lenient words or false ones. he tells me the truth. and it helps.

the storms always end, and the strong winds always end up in gentle breezes. i have a whole night's sleep to get better. i won't make huge promises i cannot keep. i will just say i want to be me.

Daily Mood

Trying to write myself out there, before I start crying again... Why is it so, why are girls genetically programmed to cry a river whenever they feel upset...

I guess that's how I feel now... I guess once again, I reached that point of lucidity, when I see myself all in black and white, instead of technicolors.

I miss Monmon more than ever, and no one's around me, not even my friends can understand that. They keep asking me how do I feel, and I don't dare answering that I am not okay... I don't like all the Xmas stuffs going out, because once again, I will be alone here. No party, no presents, no nothing but me trying to smile and be happy and contented with what I got.

I wanna try and give happiness then, instead of craving for it... At least making people happy around me, I think I owe then that ...

I sing too. To heel to those who gonna believe I am getting too proud, or that I am too influenced by the Star Academy bullshit, for I sing goddam good, so says the comments that El-g reports to me. I still cannot believe it, but gosh, does it feel good to have a positive opinion of one self.

Something else than the failure who is still unemployed, and ashamed to be so.

I write too, but that, I think is not allowed to me. Whearas my doctor is congratulating some friend of mine for self expression, all I get is a grumpy "well, do find yourself a job and stop complaining". How fair is that I wonder.... Not that I need feedback to know what my writing is worth of (average, i guess), but a fair treatment, and some consideration when I feel like eating a whole box of Prozac would be welcomed. or when I go and ask for help, when it all becomes so hard I cannot be strong by myself anymore....

I still fall from time to time, but the sadness parts get smaller and smaller...Somehow I am proud to see I can heal by myself..

And also..I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK. And I don't talk about seasonal chills or flu, bless me, no! I talk about that nasty thing that Hypothyroid is: not serious enough to have people getting it seriously (ill? cmon, you do not look ill, do you?), but which still get me exhausted after one miserable shopping afternoon. I also read somewhere that this kind of disease gets people a little depressed, bet this explains what...

And furthermore...I am trying like a fool to get better by myself. Without any meds, or pill, ot doctorlaughing at me. I try to get back some more sleep, some joy too ( I have a wonderful fiance, lovely parents, and a somewhat lucky life), trying to compare myself to real miserable people, that way I don't find any right to moan over my fate. I wish I could see my friends more often though. Got for a drink, even I hate drinking, or to the movies. Anything but my golden cage. But voilà, my best friend is on honeymoon, and you don't disturb people when they are happy, are you?

God bless I can see my honey everyday. You cannot tell how precious a few minutes are, when you are lucky enough to have your fiancé living near you, in the same country. So stopcomplaining about those "13 kilometers between him and I", and call it a long distance relationship, because I feel like yelling at you and your selfishness...

Thank you forum, either. People are there for you, or at least always will lend you an ear, no matter how busy they are... Sosme will argue it is easy, it's internet, you can switch off anytime you like...but you could also not log at all, and go download pron... No, those friends where there 3 years ago, and still are... And I respect them as much as I respect real people...


Time and again, I feel like I live in my own world... I see things differently, reacts differently... and I don't know if it is for good ot not...

I'm a barbie girl, in a magic world

it's hard right now, but i got to make do.

dug out my barbie dolls today (a huge amount of three , two blondes, one brunette), amazing how their clothes are still princess-like.... seems that girls of my generation loved princess, now it's all bling-bling and california pimping around...sad...

i don't need expensive kimono dolls (limited edition, 250$), maybe i can sew (saw? argh, i can never remember that verb..) some by myself..keeping my hands busy also seems good, it gonna leave my mind at rest, hehe...

Honey !! I am your Keira Knightley !!