10 things about me that will make you think I'm a guy

1) I hate shopping for clothes
2) I love tech gadgets, anime, manga and videogames (even if I am a lame gamer)
3) I never played with dolls
4) I never wears skirts when i go downtown (alone)
5) I seldom wear make-up
6) I like pocket knives and katana
7) I like watching football
8) I never buy any "women magazines", because talks about diet bores me to no end
9) romantic comedies are not my thing: I like KungFu better
10) I am a computer geek wannabe ^^

XD

obvious girly girly attitude, though:

1) I love anything's kawaii (Hello Kitty in particular)
2) I have the habit of waving my hands when I am talking
3) I giggle a lot
4) I wear high heels as I wear sneakers : comfy and with no pain
5) I like to cuddle, and being cuddled
6) I cry a lot (too much, imo)
7) I put some charms on my mobile phone, and I think it's cute
8) I love cooking, especially sushi and cupcakes
9) I like wearing rings, and have natural long nails
10) I am a bad driver.....

XDXD

Taximen and Madam's BMW

Ordinary life, with ordinary troubles.

Back to down-to-Earth problems, to that office work I gonna leave soon, the uncertainties, what am I gonna eat tonight, that Sudoku puzzle I can't resolve (maths and I), an order to fetch tomorrow, our bathroom that isn't finished yet, angry tenants (now that's funny sometimes), a good movie, a good shower...

Dare I say, anything but virtual life, but there we go again, isn't a blog all 0's an 1's ?

Talking about real life: I got nearly crushed down by a taxi passing on the red signal yesterday. MAde the guy a "are you crazy" sign (yup, too nice to give him the Middle Finger, hey, I am a polite girl, who tries to tame the tomboy in her...). He just made a "get moving, chick" look, and I sloooooooooooooowly walked across the pedestrian lane (take that, smart boy).

I swear I have a nice Guardian Angel.

I think that from my way home to work, then back again I risk my life about hmmm 10 times. Not counting my lunch hour, which could dramatically increase the data. I even gave up listening to my player --far too dangerous--, and I consider any buildings entries as Hell's Gate.

And on top of that, my Angel is working overtime.

And right was I, since, not only 2 minutes after my encounter with Taximan, I nearly got taken by surprise, and by a Madam in BMW. Then again, I stand right in front of her nice car, until she backs off a bit. Angry look, and me smiling, I finally came back home.

In one single piece.

I think we are "There" again.

Somehow the daiforum coming back was too good to be true, so did the Hacker believe.

Like I said, and after I stopped going from incredulity to panick to call for help to depressed mood to insomnia to worried to scared to calmed down again (and in that very order):

I just cannot understand.

"From there, and back again"

To paraphrase my friend Bilbo, we are back again, and it is right here, right now!

I am no lone Moderator anymore, and I feel I can rest a bit more, at last...even though I know I will have a hard time to be less around this place I love so much...

Anyway, besides a nightmare, I can tell that I had a good sleep's night, the first in too many days...

A new forum, a new wallpaper, of course, still problems, but feeling quieter at last.

The control freak I am at times is still lying die-hard on the inside, i still feel its Ring of Power around my fingers....but they slowly give way...

And even know I am a bit cautious about all the new things in place, I feel proud and happy, most of it all, I feel that we proved our community was more than words....

To the Fantasy Brigade of our forum,
To my Love that never fail to love and support me, even when I was begging for his arms around my tired shoulder...,

I am glad to be there, and back again, with you !!


Ichiban~

i tried to sleep a bit, but i am so under pressure that all i can do is worrying even more. i am tired and physically not good, but sleep won't come easy to me.

i am stressed out by all the uncertainties surrounding me...job, paper problems, lodging problem...i feel lost, completely unable to find which solution is best. if i am writing in here, it's to try and not crying, i do not wanna tell my parents about my worries, i do not want to worry them.

i feel so lonely...i wish my loev and i would be together, i feel so lonely without him....i wish i had at least friends to be with, but they are all scattered around, stuck with work, or living so far away from me.... i wish i could forget my troubles by working, but the situation at the office is the worst ever. i am leaving definitely this May 31, and i am sincerely longing for it. i can't support the uncertainties anymore, it's eating me away...

i do not want to open myself to my fellow forumers, they got their own problems, and i do not wanna be a burden to them.

i do not know what to do to do good...All i am wishing for is june 11, leaving from here, and reach my fiance. that's all i am wanting now.

i feel like i am fighting against walls, but either it's me getting weaker, or it's the walls getting thicker. i wish i could hit them with all my strenght, until they break down. i wish nothing could attain me, i wish i could hide my tears better.

I know I shouldn't say that, but sometimes, I feel like giving it up.

Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.

I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...

Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.

Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^

Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.

"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.

And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^

I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.

Ah well.

God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!

I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.

I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.

Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...

Panic crisis

Pretty serious entry below, if anyone already had that kind of annoyance, please feel free to share, it would help me a lot…

* * *

I had the bad surprise of having one last night.

And I talk here of the physical emanation of it, not only the rhetorical aspect.

It all started with a general uneasiness, heavy head and lack of energy the whole day long. And being on the verge of tears a good part of the day. Somehow, a slight event triggered it…..In this case, the lack of central heating when coming back home, late at night.

I start to cry at 9 PM. I don’t know how to exactly explain how it happened….think about irrational fears, and worries, added to your current little troubles, there you get the picture… I called my mom, in tears. Told her I was dead cold and absolutely down. She advised me to take some warm shower, then go to bed, maybe taking a warm tea. So did I. The hot water mixed up to my tears, and my trembling a little. I started to tell myself to calm down, to get a grip, that I was gonna be fine….But the tears didn’t go away, on the contrary, the more I was trying to reason myself, the more irrational fears, such as feeling lonely, abandoned, and absolutely helpless.

Got out of the shower, feeling a bit warmer, but still in tears. Dragged myself to the kitchen, and made some herbal tea….Finally, after one hour, I could get a grip on my emotions. The sensation of panic still lingering, though. At least, I could reason myself better. Tears are no use anyhow, Inu, so stop torturing yourself with ideas (jolly things like “what if my beloved gets hurt in an accident?” “what if our landlords kicks my parents out of their (our) house?” “what if….”) that I can’t control anyway.

Crying is tiring, too (that’s why I hate it), and, the lingering of the hot shower helping, I finally snuggled in bed….to finally hear the central heating function again… (at 10h30 PM, what a shame)

Got an SMS of my beloved round midnight…I can say that it helped me dozing off for good…

* * *

Aside from the drama story, I browsed the internet today, to see if what I endured yesterday was out of too much of imagination, or had medical causes whatsoever

It comes out of my search that panic crisis, are, indeed, a medical affection, and generally, it happens to people that are in general nervous, or hyper-emotive (yay, and I think I win on those ). I recognized some aspects pretty clearly (happening at night, a feeling of terror, and of falling into madness), although really faintly.

I am glad to realize that I have only faint symptoms, and that I can control it at the end (I mean, I do not have “death thoughts”, and I perfectly realize that my fears are irrational)

But still, if I could find a way to prevent that kind of hyper sensibility, I would be really glad. But I do not want to “kill” myself, I mean, to lose the positive aspects of this sensibility. I want to keep my cheerful self always, even if it means that nights alone will never be my friends.

* * *

I know that, when I am with my Monchan, I never ever suffer of this disagreement ^^

He is my best medicine ^^

Addendum

Just read my friend's entry, about racism, it brought me to tears.

All I want to say is:

F*** YOU ALL, RACIST PEOPLE !!

Who do you think you are?????????????

Do you really think that being white-washed makes you superior to other people? I have no words to tell you how. I. loathe. you. How I despise you.

I've been confronted to a kind of racism too. People talking behind my back, about the fact that my fiance is Filipino.
So what, you crazy stubborn people? How dare you judge someone you do not even know, never met before? How dare you see yourself as superior? How DARE you comment about my own personal private choice, when you do not even have the courage to tell me all your filthy thoughts right in my face?

Do you think that I am fooled by your smiles? Or that I do not see the contempt behind your blank words? Go to Hell.

Same to you, little Missus, daring treating my friend like that. I tell you what, Missus: I have been knowing him for about three years now. THREE years, and I trust his like my brother. Do you understand that?

I hope one day you will know the taste of betrayal, or being despised. I hope that some of your fellow white washed precious friends will have you endure this feeling.

I am ashamed to be white myself, when I learn that some blockheads like you still exist on this planet.

Thank you very much, for it's gonna be my first flaming entry since I opened this blog. I am generally a nice, and polite person. But there are things I just cannot get.

Nor accept.

EVER.

I don't want to talk about me

I don't want to tell you how I feel.
I dont want to tell you how much I miss him.
I don't want to tell you why I cry sometimes, alone in the dark (and it is not a cliche sentence, I really do)
I don't want to tell you that I met pure evil about a week ago.
I don't want to tell you that the only thing I want now, is flying away from here, and reach his arms.

I won't tell you anything about that.

Unless you ask me to.

armaggedon

last login, Friday, April 7th, 11h30 PM

"you don't have permission to access this website, please contact the administration team"

wtf i am part of it!!

then i realized. DoAsInfinity was not there, someone was messing around with his cyber-identity. Then started the whole bad movie

you know, in those high tech' catastrophe flicks, when the hero watch helplessly his computer, unable to react? well i am no hero, but i seen this bastard moving around the threads, then erasing them, one by one

ONE BY ONE

AND FUCKING ENJOYING IT

deleting about 2 years of a life that is maybe now gone forever

no time to cry, think quick, and beg out for help. MSN first. 2DL then. commenting along with other members what was going under our eyes, made it real, too real. sending emails, happily welcoming old friends attempting again and again to login. just a peak at his IP, please let me just see his IP

trying as a last resort to understand, to try and talk (no use). to realize the sad irony, too...the banners getting banned, and 13 640 good reasons to hate an unknown person.

the lack of sleep, the nightmares, waking up with a headache, and realizing in one click it was not a joke.

Forum has been hacked and for good

putting all the wildest hopes in the bunch of people that quickly accepted to give their time and effort freely, working together to the restauration of our home. watching them helplessly, and trying to be of some use, linking people...And on the background, wondering away WHEN THE HELL something went wrong

where there signs i didn't notice?

was it a pure case of bad luck, just a bastard that needed some fun?

what are the decisions to take, the best ones, in that state of emergency?



and still, believing in humans being, telling myself i was right to trust some of them. that behind the words of friendship, there is real friendship

that this is not a battle in vain