good day

There was no point at all to the three previous entries, so I deleted them.

I still have the same problem, I can't talk openly about the things that worry me. So I end up having all those worries packed in a corner of my mind, and when the tension is too big, I cry.

If I had to say what I think of me right now, all I see is a dependent, whiny bitch. In general, I can mask the way howI feel to everyone (at a point that everyone envy my cheerful-ness), my scarce friends who always see me smile, or my parents, to whom I say I am perfectly fine. The only person seeing hte truth is my fiancé, whose help is precious to me...Him only can make me smile, and get me stronger.... [There is just that thing with meals, I cannot eat up because I have gotten sick of greasy meats and untasty mashed potatoes. I miss fried rice, but since I am the only one eating it here, it's not always possible to cook...]

I do not believe anybody who would tell me "why don't you go see a psychologist, and explain how you feel"? All I want to say to those people (and I know they say that for my own good) is: never trust a psychologist. All what they do is search your inner thoughts, in order to prove that you have a problem. In the society we live in, no one is entitled to sadness, since it is seen as a failure. All that they see, and assume, is that such a person who cries must endure depression...

Now , give me a break. I perfectly know why I am in such a sad mood, and I do not need any of your pills, or advice. I miss my best friend first place, more than I had imagined. Thinking of her is enough to bring tears in my eyes, and I am afraid to tell her how I really feel, because I do not want to annoy her. I miss my fiance like crazy, and I do miss him even more than my best friend. I won't go into details here, because it belongs to us only....I miss having friends I could go out with, or a family I could visit. Loneliness, well I am used to it, but I don't know why, it is feeling heavier on my heart those days.

What are the solutions?

Well if I leave my rational brain take upon the emotional one (at last), the only solution I see is to be strong. And this, forgive me, physchologists, is a thing one has to find within. Never have I heard of pills that would give you more confidence, if it was so, you'd be all unemployed like me...

I had a serious talk last night with my fiancé, which help to point out more problems. My fear of people and lack of confidence. Come to think of it, those are both intertwined. Lack of confidence leads to a bad image of one self, and makes believe everyone is your enemy. The only thing I can't get clear yet is why I have become so afraid. I used to be the one who loved public talks and presentations, gosh I even sang onstage in front of my whole school (and you know how teens can be cynical to each other...) . What has broken up inside I wonder. I assume my past job is half responsible, even though I cannot pin out any detailed event, that might have cause the failure...

So what now?

I need to find a way out of all this bullshit (word chosen on purpose). I need to find something that would divert my mind from all its sad patterns...I need to stop worrying whenever my fiance is not near me...I tried to sing a bit, but there are so many songs, I feel so much pressure I am afraid I will never be able to sing them right. The writing seems a good thing too, but I cannot get myself to write on my own...Call me attention b!tch, but that's the way I feel....Like sending signals beyond the "I am ok, everything's ok" social varnish, in the hope someone would notice. In general, strangers see you in a totally different aspect, it helps putting yourself back together. Or read other's people problem too. It helps you see you are not the only one in trouble.

I'd like to take back drawing too. I know I said taht so many times (gomen, ne Asudef) that it is hard to believe I am serious about it. I'll try to improve my cooking too. When my hands are occupied, my mind is at rest.

There is of course the best solution: be together with my honey. Let's say that our situation takes more time and preparation than average, that's why I have to be stronger than normal too. As mahal ko says "when life gets you, kick back". Oh so true... ^*^

I am not sure this will help though. My blog is not what you can call attractive or popular, and my forums activities are far less open than , say, three years ago? In there, I feel like I am the one having to give good example, and help people if I can... Haha, looks like it is me in need now.

I feel quieter now, if not fully better. I stopped all my stupid things, and clingy ones. (Like sending 45 txt in 5 minutes, okay I exaggerate (sp?) but you get the meaning ^^) And also, never ever try to scratch yourself, thinking physical pain is better than emotional one. In the end, you'll look like a fool, and believe me it hurts, even a day after: old demons are sometimes ahrd to fight back, and they never forget how to break your defences. Do not cry too much either, it makes your eyes look puffy and ugly. No one wants to talk to a waterfall, it biases the conversation anyway. There is something blackmail-ish in crying oneself out, and too long.

This said, will I be able to follow the good pieces of advice I am giving? Well I do not have any choice. If I want to feel better, it is now or never.