I know I shouldn't say that, but sometimes, I feel like giving it up.

Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.

I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...

Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.

Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^

Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.

"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.

And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^

I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.

Ah well.

God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!

I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.

I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.

Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...