16:37 PM

I turn the TV on, hoping that its noise will make time pass faster....Of course it won't, well, not as fast as I'd want it to be. I am waiting for him, I feel like I am waiting forever. I don't want to talk, because I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am okay, I guess I am, I am healthy, I am cute, and I am in love...But I am worried too... I used to love solitude, make the best out of it. I used to write at least, not good or bad, just write, now it seems I am reading, always the same, waisting away days after days after nonsense. Would I be happier if my daily planner was oooooooozing out dates and parties? Would I be happier that way? I sing, it is all I can do. I feel like I never fit in, well, not now.

6 months.

There are a lot of things that annoys me, and that I cannot say aloud. The selfishness of some persons, persons I thought close to me. She is close still, but I do not want to tell her how I feel. How her making out in public makes me feel ill at ease, how her reproaches seem vain to me. I have the right to like other people too, throw a party on my own too.

My heart skips a beat everytime someone is connecting, but it is not yet the good nickname. So I stay invisible. And I wait for him to come back. Meanwhile, and when I am not brewing dark thoughts, I think about myself, modify my blog, delete some old ones, take good resolutions, stuffs like that... I wanna get the hell out of here, but at the same time I am afraid to be even more lonely. I want a place I could call our own, and not being dependent on anybody's will anymore. Having MY room, with MY furnitures, and not obeying home rules that are not MINE. I want a net connection, to me it is vital, even if some will say otherwise. I don't care. I want internet, full stop.

Writing. Since when have I been writing anything looking like a story? It's been in another life I think. Maybe I am better off reading. Having no author's pride. I hate it when some people talk about "their books", and are physically unable to write a sentence with some meaning inside. I know I can be a b!tch sometimes, but I am fed up licking everybody else's shoes. You write poorly dear, and despite your lot of characters, I can never get interested in what you say.... The only writer I personally know.... well I stopped talking to him for stupid reasons, and now I am stucked at chapter 13 forever. Maybe one day I'll swallow my pride, and ask him to keep on reading. I guess he never gonna reply. But I can tell you this man does have talent. Maybe you should take him as example. And learn English first.

2 weeks.

Ah those Xmas seasons, and new year too...I just don't like them now taht I am a grownup. Nothing ever comes my way, I wonder why I so want it to feel like "Christmas". With candles and songs and presents and all.... It brings nothing but stress, and I always end up alone upstairs, disappointed. Maybe tomorrow, we gonna decorate the Christmas tree...It is I guess, one of my favourite childhood memories. Christmas time, nice movies or cartoons, and the tree glowering gently in the dark lounge. The smell of firewood. Chestnuts on the stove. Printen, and sometimes, nice presents under the tree, near little Jesus. I do believe in Jesus. It's with religion I got a problem.

What I want to say today: never forget to say I love you to your loved once, because you can never tell if it will be the last time or not.

Maybe the biggest risk is trusting people. But when you do, life is so much easier.