the problem with insomnia is that it makes you envision troubles far more bigger than they actually are...

anyway....i am now seriously thinking about how i gonna continue being a moderator, without firefox at work, and no permanent access to the internet anymore (my job being on hiatus, i really don't know about the future of my cyberlife, to be honest).

i am still around 2 days later forums: the people there are friends, my cyberdaifamily, and i simply cannot let them down.

daiforum was, is and always will be my true home though. should it disappear (virus and hacking troubles still being unresolved), i do not see myself starting anew, getting 14 000+ posts in another place.

more than a post average, it is the vivid testimony of about 2,( years of being active inside a community. with good and bad moments. i won't say it will be my last forum -- i am around others, with the same username -- but it will never be the same again.

i always said that i woudl never leave the forum, unless i am banned. i guess life's irony makes me stay away from it, against my will : with no FF at work, and no net at night, i really don't see how i could be there anymore.

i feel helpless, like i never felt before. because i am a total noob as far as tech aspects are concerned. i claim everywhere that i would die for this place, but the place itself is dying, and without me to hold its hand.

somehow, i knew it has to end one day..i have a family to have, a fiance to be with, a life, well, another side of my life to live. i would never have imagined it wold end that way.

at first, it was a way to talk to people that shared the same passion(s) than me. it soon became more than that. it is the reason, the explanation of the woman i have become now. the person that is talking to you, from behing the nickname, has been partly shaped thanks to this forum. and to the people she could talk to. and sometimes love. and sometimes, fight with. all of them made the little girl grow up, unafraid of her differences. still now, i sometimes have to suffer from loving Asia, its music, its culture, its people. not every person is as open-minded as the persons i could meet in daiforum. some will argue that it is easier to get on well, to accept other's ppl point of view through a computer screens. those who have witness my "fights" with some members knows it is not true. you laugh as well, you hurt as well, in the end, than in "real" life".

i know that i am repeating again, and again, maybe in other words, things i have said already.

i guess that the perspective of losing my job soon makes me realize more acutely about the end of things. it is like i have deliberately ignored from the very beginning that daiforum could ever disappear. it is like realising it now fully, at midnight, tired and nagged by insomnia.

it's been a while i haven't been so opened about myself. it's been a while i haven't hidden the sadness in me behing my almost legendary cheerfullness. somehow, that's what you become, a legend, lol. people hate you or appreciate you, but you do not let anybody indifferent. until people forget about you, and create new legends.

and the most amazing is that some people stay around, always, even though their own busy lives and crap makes them shine far away. you watch them evolve from far apart, and you smile at yourself, witnessing the long road they have walked on.

people like Dai's Apprentice, who is, like everybody knows, my dear fiance, the love of my life. of our story i won't say nothing more, i hope everyone understand i want to keep those things private.. ^^

Stovila , to begin with, his wallpapers and sense of humour, a person without whom i would never have become inuchan

Ken-sama, his neverending cheerfulness, popularity, and loyalty. never have i seen him act against his principle, or denigrate anyone

Rumble Fish and our love/hate posting.....

there is also FOBulous, whose writing amazes me day after day. a friend, a real one. someone that never betrays, and knows how to truely help the ppl in deep troubles. someone that never betrayed me, too.

or Mojo Shivers, who was there to pick me up when i was feeling lost, and had me grow up, even though he doesn't know it. a kind heart hidden by a wonderful writer. a mentor, and my best enemy ever.

Unwanted Fan, who i still wish to meet one day.

My sweet Mima and my dearest Ange Kaorin, Anna too, who i miss dearly, and so many other people...

i don't know exactly why i am writing all this. maybe i just felt like empty my heart, without causing anyone troubles. i chose to tell it all here, half anonymously, in the hope someone will take the time to read, and maybe react. i could have chosen to write it all in the secrecy of my pen and paper diary. but every blogger knows that it is feedback we are looking for.

i do not have the heart to give a title to it all. it is no farewell, no confession, no outcry of sadness...i mean, i am sad, i even brushed a few tears away, but it feel more like a last chapter to a book that will never be finished anyway...

i am genuinely sad, and all the pop/rock of Japan couldn't make me feel better.