Title-less

too many events in too little time...

I don't have the distance enough to talk about them...

One of them is too close, too personal, and I still don't want to accept to consequences of it. One of them is not touching a member of my family, and I am in total denial.

As I might have said once, I am afraid of death. Not of death as everyone's last journey, but as the physical avatar of a human body. It hurts too much seeing the people you love the most, diminished by the illness, and finally becoming the shadow of the person that accompanied my childhood.

I try to tell myself that I am acting like a coward, non being able to face the truth. I remember I categorically refused to approach the coffin of my late grandpa. I was afraid of the dead corpse inside, to me, it was not my grandpa again, my grandpa was freed form any suffering now, somewhere in a place I am not allowed to... I now keep his picture close. I see him smiling, that particular sparkle in his eyes that made us have an understanding that few could sense.

And I now watch th other part of my only grand family left fading away into the mists of her own brain. The disease eating away the near memory, leaving her in a world of long time souvenirs, a world where I do not exist anymore. And it hurt so much to realize that, one day, she mightn't recognize me at all anymore.

And I pray.

Compared to that, the material problems I am encountering now seem so little...