"and sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on"

sefl depreciation of the mind, a feeling that doesn't want to leave me, i feel liek being liek the culprit of a fault i don't understand, why oh why do i take everything so personally, people are not foes or freidns simply passer-by's in my own life, i wanna get outta here, jsut for a day, erase everything i thought everything i said, everything i will think, all i need is rest, i am stressed, too stressed, taking too much upon my shoulders, when i am weak and sick, my mind is in a hazy conditions, i have this headache that won't go away even music cannot soothe me, all i want now is to break down and cry, cry, cry, cry, i wanna get back to the little irresponsible girl screaming inside, no assistant, no mod, no nothing, no errands to do , no meal to prepare, just sleep away my fatigue and forget about hte whole world'res misery. I do not beg for help, my pride is still too important , and when i feel in such a self destructive mood, the only way out would be dancing it away, or having mind blowing sex, anything to transform that ball of energy inside into something creative, rather than destructive. I would like to tell my brain to stop worrying, ok i may lose my job, but that's happens everyday ne, i wanna tale my mouth to stop being so polite, to answer phone calls in such a cheerful voice that everybody envy me, i woudl liek to say that i am not perfect, not me, certainly not me, tht i have dark spots lying underneath, tamed animals, that sometimes happen to break their chains and run wild without my being able to control them i am so afraid they migth hurt someone around i just pary and hope everything will be allright, and also, most of it i do not want to lose my grandma, not yet, not that way, and as i struggle against tears, as i loathe myself for being so weak, so useless, i just hope that in an hour, when i read all this back, i will laugh it all and consider it was but a dream. A bad one.