3 days left...

So I packed my suitcase, I think I got everything ^_^

I am stressing about the plane already...well, more about to coming to the airport, ticket and luggage check in... Silly I know, but... I can't help it... I wish I could be arrived already....



I MISSSSSSSS YOUUUUUU !!!!!!!!

O.o

I think I gonna blow a fuse......lol

Virus still around, I am starting to experience removal syndrome///

- a tendency to scribble lol whenever given paper
- a tendency to idly type daiforumdotcom, then back off in awe in front of a java applet
- I FRIGGIN MISS MY FELLOWS DAI-LIANS

and the PMs of my honey

***

holidays are coming nearer. i do not do anything good anyway. bet i won't be missed those next two weeks.... got this: those are my legal yearly holidays Sir. you agreed upon those last July, and never complained, nor did any remark, Sir. the only one to blame is certainly not me.

maybe you will realize i am working, all in all.

***

Aside from this...

I am stressed stressed stressed about that plane i have to take. I am not afraid of flying, but I dread missing my plane. Silly I know. some are afraid of spider, I am panic stricken at the idea of seeing my plane taking off without me.

I am sick of those national strike threats approaching: planned for Friday 28, please, let everything be back to normal this Saturday

I am dead panicked about public transportations: if they decide to messa round this Thursday, I gonna be stuck here, whereas I need go home.

I hate strikes, and social uproars. Why friggin' annoy the citizens, when the responsible are never the ones annoyed by no train or no buses: they have their own car and their own drivers.......

Things I appreciate

That's yin/yang theory, baby!///

- rainy days when I am cosy home
- reading a good book, near the wood fire, with a cup of hot chocolate when it snows outside
- roasted nori
- a little chat with a friendly cashier
- Listerine
- curling under the blanket, and take a nap
- night
- sunsets
- his picture on my desk
- the smell of fruit cupkakes in the oven
- unagi-sushi
- black chocolate
- les marrons glacés
- violet ink fountain pen
- drawing paper, pencils and notebooks
- pucca accessories
- Japanese pop/rick music
- Dragonlance
- Severus Snipes (the perfect antihero)
- green teas, especially jasmine flavoured
- CK One on my Mahal
- A quiet garden under summer sun
- Chowking
- Suite 860 and number 69
- Poetry
- French Litterature
- Japanese litterature
- salami/confiture sandwiches
- blinkgs for mobile phones
- rain tapping on the windows (when I am cosy inside)
- Gothic Lolitas
- lingerie
- a good horror/comedy movie
- Teen titans cartoon
- tasting lip balm on my pout
- having a pale skin and a rosy mouth
- butterflies and cats
- trains arriving on time
- planes taking off and landing
- ube cake

Things I detest

Random rant in between files///

- Trojans
- administration people
- cold damp weather
- stressing out for work
- general strikes
- windy days when it rains
- MSN slow webcam network
- rude people in supermarket
- having my clothes ruined by rain
- forgetting my umbrella when it rains
- icky-smelling people in public transportation
- STIB and its "network improvement", when it means suppressing the most convenient bus line
- Blogger being down whenever I really need it
- lack of heat at my office
- Monday mornings as a rule
- sugar in my coffee or tea
- tomatoes (i know i shouldn't....)
- people posting ugly pointless images, not even commenting, and assuming that they do blog
- people posting endless quizz in their blogs
- flash websites, especially with an endless intro
- ugly neon colours in a website
- Belgacom when it screws my DSL connexion
- backups: because i never have time, and it worries me
- people miscalling, but not leaving a message : i NEVER call back.
- my mobile phone provider: my bills are too big
- cars, when i am a passer-by
- the butcher near the office: her wife has a silly voice and a silly smile. and she had me pay 2 euros for a crappy sandwich. I say boycott.
- the cashiers at "Inno galerie"
- whenever i search a book and that it is the only one missing in the bookstore
- the shoes shop that closed THE VERY DAY when i badly needed new shoes
- stilettos when i work
- noisy neighbours when all i want is silence
- HTML code. Especially when I realize it is in fact XHTML or Java scripts I took for HTML
- ugly smileys
- forums that are not powered by Invision :p
- SP2 because it is a necessary evil
- my TV when it loses its colors
- typos
- Hercule Poirot's serie not being aired anymore
- dogs in general: they do not like me i swear!
- never having time enough to do all what i'd want to.....

Virus on DAIboard

yup, DAiforum is, if not down, at least offline for awhile...


Looks like there's a kinda virus, affecting both IE and FF browsers....


Its name looks like "ByteVerify",AVG antivirus spots it in the Java directory... but does not remove it.... for those who has this anti-virus, you can follow some removal instructions here: http://forum.grisoft.cz/freeforum/read.php?4,10178,backpage=,sv=

And here are removal instructions by Symantec (Norton antivirus):that thing sounds rather serious (trojan horse):http://securityresponse.symantec.com/avcen...byteverify.html so be careful...

Mav' is now working at it and warned Emperor, let's hope they will find a remedy.... ^*^

i hope it helps !

Meanwhile, some of us have found our helpful shelter at Two Days Later

Ann Harper

Visit her website here


Yesterday, I stumbled across her paintings, while searching ofr whatnots…

I remember that this picture caught my eye....



I browsed her gallery a bit (on hers, must I say, the other painter’s works doesn’t appeal me as much), and I got fascinated by the darkness oozing from her paintings. Especially the eyes of the characters, all sad or angry…. All having that same, look-alike, threatening gaze.

The surrounding are no better, dare I say, it felt like entering Stephen King’s worst childhood nightmare…and I kinda like it… I like the way she paints clowns, too… For those who do not know, I do not like clowns. The have never made me smile nor laugh, and I tend to find them pathetic and pitiful. Clowns have that grotesque attitude, able to provoke young children’s mirth…. But as I grew older, I couldn’t find them but sad and tormented.



even more funnier is that I seldom appreciate paintings. I mean, I do not know, nor remember a thing about my art class. I only know that I subjectively react to this or that painting, no matter how famous the work may be…

this one, for example:



Reminds me so much of “The Addams Family’, no offence meant at all… But a family less cheerful, less prone to pranks.. Look at the hatred look of the characters… Never dare I hang that one on my house, really…. But still, I can’t help find it funny…. Notice the clowns, once again…Look at how the children seem sold, even older than the grown ups…

And last, but not least…



My favourite so far…so rich in details that I haven’t had the time yet to analyse everything…..Clowns, again, and a feeling of broken childhood...

Nightmares, anyone? ^^

[to be continued]

New layout !!!!

Dark flowers to replace the oh-so-plain black...

Writer's block

In a wild outburst of self-confidence and pride, I tend to believe that “those things only happen to the others”. That lack of unity in the writings. Too many ideas telescoping one after the other, but none being good enough, or built enough, to pretend to be a good idea. And certainly not a beginning to a story.

In something that I could call the paralysis of the mind, I tend to believe that my wild imagination would prevent me from falling into the abyss of the non-writing people. That little pen quality that makes me believe I have things to say, moreover, that I say them – if not better – at least well.

In a mind that I can call *almost* bilingual, I tend to believe that my hesitating in between French and English might be a cause of the disease. Time and again, I’ve been finding myself pondering days and days about how should the story be written. English for its dynamic, or French for its passion for the details. And granted, bilingual or not, I still am more qualified to express myself in my mother tongue. It just is, and not a hundred years of English speaking would change it.

Then, write about what? Internet, television, bokks and newspapers seem to have an answer, a model, a hint about whatever happen or exist under the sun…. Solution? Writing about non-existent things, create a new referent, that no one would sneake away from me.

Trouble is: my imagination is somewhat tainted by what I have been reading, thus accumulating, as mental images.

As the title says I feel blocked, my mind is blocked, my imagination is blocked, as for my pen, it lays idle on a pouch I haven’t opened in months. So here I am, using my blog as a crutch, but perfectly aware this is not the real thing. I wanna write with my blood and sweat, for Golly’s sake! I wanna unblock the feelings that seem tamed, too tamed, by some weird shame.

Ah… there we are//////////

Those things, I don’t want to see them back. I don’t want them to eat me again, to eat away the happiness I am enjoying now. Not of that rosy-cheesy happiness you can see in romantic movies, where everthing always ends well, like in the fairytales. My happiness is real, made of longing, desire, sadness and waiting. My happiness is made of two persons, and I am not always the winner. My happiness takes into account the happiness of the other person sharing my life.

And destroying everything for the sake of a writer’s pride (yes pride) is not the best idea I’d ever had in my life.

I remember I deleted my past blog. It contained too many many many wild emotions, too much of a past I don’t want to see again, even if I do not deny it. I am not what my emotions wants me to be. I am their master, somehow, and I say when and how I want them to show.

Even if I know that I am far too impulsive to control myself entirely.

There are so many events I want to write about. Maybe I will choose not to disclose them to anyone but me and my loved one. Maybe that way I won’t be under the pressure of “pleasing the audience”. As writers, we all crave for that acknowledgement, I know it. And do not tell me the contrary, I won’t believe you. It would be like “blogging for oneself only”, yet posting ones blog online and enable comments. I have 5 of them by the way. Only three are visible.
the fourth is for template test, and the last one isn’t accessible unless I give the link. There, I can write my heart unashamed. There I can be the real me. There I am writing under my Christian name, I am not Ichiban anymore. I let my red kimono and puppy ears to the cyberworld they belong to.

Don’t get me wrong. I never lie when I write around here. I simply present the facts so that they might be readable. I coat them with some literature artifacts. I transform my personal life into something worth reading. People are not interested in reading about others people’s life They are interested in how some people can transform their facts of life into something art-full.

I guess it is in that direction I have to go, if I ever want to get rid of that writer’s block. Letting my emotions go, but not as strong, so that they won’t destroy me, and with a little star quality, so that I could pretend to be read – unashamed--

"Kailan"

If anyone has the translation to this song... please share !!

KAILAN

(cover by M.Y.M.P.)

(Words and Music by Ryan Cayabyab/
Published by FILSCAP)

Bakit kaya nangangamba
Sa tuwing ika’y nakikita
Sana nama’y magpakilala
Ilang ulit nang nagkabangga
Aklat kong dala’y pinulot mo pa
Di ka pa rin nagpakilala

Bakit kaya umiiwas
Binti ko ba’y mayro’ng gasgas
Nais ko nang magpakilala
Dito’y mayro’n sa puso ko
Munting puwang laan sa’yo
Maari na bang magpakilala

Bawat araw sinusundan
Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano’ng aking dapat gawin

Kailan, kailan mo ba mapapansin
Ang aking lihim
Kahit anong aking gawin
Di mo pinapansin
Kailan, kailan hahaplusin
Ang pusong bitin na bitin
Kahit anong gawing lambing
Di mo pa rin pansin

Dito’y mayro’n sa puso ko
Munting puwang laan sa’yo
Maari na bang magpakilala

Bawat araw sinusundan
Di ka naman tumitingin
Ano’ng aking dapat gawin

Kailan, kailan mo ba mapapansin
Ang aking lihim
Kahit anong aking gawin
Di mo pinapansin
Kailan, kailan hahaplusin
Ang pusong bitn na bitin
Kahit anong gawing lambing
Di mo pa rin pansin

Kahit ano’ng aking gawin
Di mo pinapansin…

"and sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on"

sefl depreciation of the mind, a feeling that doesn't want to leave me, i feel liek being liek the culprit of a fault i don't understand, why oh why do i take everything so personally, people are not foes or freidns simply passer-by's in my own life, i wanna get outta here, jsut for a day, erase everything i thought everything i said, everything i will think, all i need is rest, i am stressed, too stressed, taking too much upon my shoulders, when i am weak and sick, my mind is in a hazy conditions, i have this headache that won't go away even music cannot soothe me, all i want now is to break down and cry, cry, cry, cry, i wanna get back to the little irresponsible girl screaming inside, no assistant, no mod, no nothing, no errands to do , no meal to prepare, just sleep away my fatigue and forget about hte whole world'res misery. I do not beg for help, my pride is still too important , and when i feel in such a self destructive mood, the only way out would be dancing it away, or having mind blowing sex, anything to transform that ball of energy inside into something creative, rather than destructive. I would like to tell my brain to stop worrying, ok i may lose my job, but that's happens everyday ne, i wanna tale my mouth to stop being so polite, to answer phone calls in such a cheerful voice that everybody envy me, i woudl liek to say that i am not perfect, not me, certainly not me, tht i have dark spots lying underneath, tamed animals, that sometimes happen to break their chains and run wild without my being able to control them i am so afraid they migth hurt someone around i just pary and hope everything will be allright, and also, most of it i do not want to lose my grandma, not yet, not that way, and as i struggle against tears, as i loathe myself for being so weak, so useless, i just hope that in an hour, when i read all this back, i will laugh it all and consider it was but a dream. A bad one.

Title-less

too many events in too little time...

I don't have the distance enough to talk about them...

One of them is too close, too personal, and I still don't want to accept to consequences of it. One of them is not touching a member of my family, and I am in total denial.

As I might have said once, I am afraid of death. Not of death as everyone's last journey, but as the physical avatar of a human body. It hurts too much seeing the people you love the most, diminished by the illness, and finally becoming the shadow of the person that accompanied my childhood.

I try to tell myself that I am acting like a coward, non being able to face the truth. I remember I categorically refused to approach the coffin of my late grandpa. I was afraid of the dead corpse inside, to me, it was not my grandpa again, my grandpa was freed form any suffering now, somewhere in a place I am not allowed to... I now keep his picture close. I see him smiling, that particular sparkle in his eyes that made us have an understanding that few could sense.

And I now watch th other part of my only grand family left fading away into the mists of her own brain. The disease eating away the near memory, leaving her in a world of long time souvenirs, a world where I do not exist anymore. And it hurt so much to realize that, one day, she mightn't recognize me at all anymore.

And I pray.

Compared to that, the material problems I am encountering now seem so little...

Behold !!!

Everyone pay attention, for it's gonna be the first time and last time that I post a pic of my mug around here...

It's huge, it's me, and it's not photoshopped XD.


***

aside from this, and since I dont feel like talking much, I invite you to pay a visit to Kusu-kun's new webpage I leave you figure out who this Kusu is, btw...


by K-kun

And for the nostalgics of "Con$umer Duck" like me, just follow the link!

Sh!t up and listen: http://seedelite.com/