Standing aside of them all.

My dad's cousin has come to visit us, along with her wife.

As both him and my dad are talking of the past, war events, sad events, harsh events I only knows about by overhearing some unsaid conversations.... I feel like hiding here in my room, alone, fearing to learn what I shouldn't know....

Past events of people unknown to me always frightens me... I remember one day, my grand'ma told me about her story, about how she survived war... Dark imagines I wish I coud have flied away, expell form my memory... As she was telling me, tears in her eyes, how nasty the Nazis were, I was silently begging her to stop...

I simply cannot stand seeing my beloved ones suffering that much... I am coming from a tiny family, but were links and personalities are so strong that nothing is ever simple... Maybe I am bearing that complexity inside, as if I was the mirror of all those people that made my being on earth possible...

I wish I could know their story, but at the same time I am afraid of what I might discover...

Having a dad who lived in a uber rich house, being driven at school by his own butler, in a big expensive car (back in the 40's) then seeing his dad loosing it all, betrayed by his own kin, then passing away unhelp, alone, in poverty...my dad only remaining close to him...

I couldn't stand seeing my dad suffering again... I simply cannot...

Please forgive me, my dear family.... Please forgive me of not being able to say aloud how I am glad to know that you exist, how I love you without knowing you, and how I regret not being able to voice out all those feelings...

Or simply holding you in my arms...