Never been so out of it since yesterday. Blame it on terrorism, or P. time, I don’t know, but sincerely I never felt so emotional in weeks. I feel like I do not have power upon my words anymore, that they are living by themselves…
Yesterday I been shocked by someone talking about a passed away person, saying, I quote “how she fell like a sh!it”. I swear I could have slapped this person for being so light about death, so disrespectful about an event that has nothing to be laughed about.
And today, when I read messages by people I miss, I couldn’t help but feel sad, sad sad, and longing for days where everything seemed much more easier, much more simple. I feel like impersonating a power, I feel like I must hide my own feelings and do the job. And sincerely I sometimes wish I wouldn’t have accepted the job. I hate conflicts, I hate hate, and I hate being the lesson giver, when I am myself flawed. I guess that the only thing that makes me stay the way I am, the mod I am, is my will to help. To kinda give something back to a community that gave me so much…
It funnily reminds me of some event that happened in my childhood… I have a clear vision of my asking a girl “okay, can’t we simply be friends?’ and her strongly slapping me in return. No more, no less, I cannot even tell why, or when, or how this thing happened. I just can see me clearly asking, I still can see the place, and should I live a hundred years, I would never forget it…
Sometimes, I wish I could detest some people. It would somehow give me a reason to forget about them, and not longing about friends I lost. But then again, maybe I am fooling myself, maybe I took for granted bonds that never existed. I still believe friendship has nothing to do with respecting rules, or authorities. It’s like when you work with your boss, and if he scolds you because your work is wrongly done (a file lost, a phone call you forgot…), it’s not because of you personally, but simply a work mishappening.
It’s been months now that those friends have disappeared from my circle of relation. Ten times have I decided to send them a message, and ten times have I cancelled it, out of pride, must I say. Maybe it’s me making a whole drama out of it, I don’t know….
* * *
Anyway…. It sometimes feel good to vent out what weighs on my heart. Not that I should complain…. I am happily engaged in a relationship with a man I do love, I am lucking to have a caring family…I know that, amongst a lot of people, I shouldn't be the one complaning, and whining…
But like my mother told me some day… “yes, you never say anything, always hiding your most inner worries behind a smile, or a joke, or, worst of all, silence. Ten times have I wondered if I was being a good Mom, when none of my words seemed to reach you, when you seem to refuse even the slightest hug. Then you go on, exploding, venting your anger and your sadness in shouting, then tears. Don’t you know I hurt the same way, when I see you like this?”
Belive me, when your Mom says so, it makes you think twice...And maybe makes you become even more secretive...
So I don’t know, maybe the way I feel now is simply the result of too much stress ?(I tend to over-dramatize things when I feel stressed). I do not have a clue, but I hope this feeling will ease away.
How I long for the weekend to come, and have some time together with my love. Him only seems to know how to soothe me. Him only knows the secret ways to my soul. Him only can see me cry, unashamed.
3 comments:
*I used to detest people. But detesting people made detesting myself too.
*Friends who disappear whithout saying don't deserve your attention the 90% of the times.
*Mother... we always should listen our mother.
Ahhh Inuchan. I feel kinda like you. Believe me, the most of the times you feel in this way is coz in fact, you're stressed. So try to breathe and relax. AND never, never feel your over-dramatizing things. Our problems, our trubles, our pain are always important and we must pay attention to them. Our pain, our own pain is always first. I think we must be selfish in these cases. If we don't care about us first, we cannot care about the others properly.
So, if you feel sad, don't feel it's coz an stupidity or your making things bigger.
I learned that just some months ago.
It's good to voice out feelings every once in a while === good or bad. I love you ^*^
@Ange: *hugsuhugsuhugsu* wow such good advice..yes...i think that venting out feelings like that in blogs helps me to saty absolutely calm in appearance.. and somehow... writing about pain, and stress, helps me understand them..and react the best way i can...
i know.. sometimes i don't even know if i can call those people "friends".. seeing them back made my heart itch a bit, but then again, maybe it just is...
@monchan: yes... my only rule , whan i do this, is that the only person to suffer from what i write is myself. (and often, when i re-read myself, i can calmly analyse what's wrong, and find a solution.. :)))
kudos to both of you!!!! ^*^
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