Sunday, gloomy Sunday...

Deleted about two entries today, I cannot stand the way I am whining away... the sadness is still there though, but now I can get a grip.

I feel like having missed my honey all day, the only cheering up being when he gets online. I felt like today was a day for nothing, lurking around the mute computer, not feeling a single will to chat on forums...Missing him, and friends, and Claire more than ever...

Have anyone (hellooooo, is there anyone reading around)ever felt that ? Being sad inside, lonely inside, dragging yourself from bed to chair, from chair to bed, then go to kitchen, raid fridge then pick no food at all, then back to chair and Coda?

I hate myself positively when I feel that way.

GTO

Golly, Ichiban......


PLEASE STOP COMPLAINING THE WAY YOU DO !!!!


Be strong.
Peace...

Who am I, to judge people the way I do?


I suffer and I miss my friends dearly, bu this is no reason to be unfair...of course not. I just hope life would be easier, and would stop taking friends away from me... What I'd give for a movie, then a drink with friends. What I'd give to bring a friend home, and talk away the night hours...

What I'd friggin give for that...

while listening to Miyavi...me, again

harhar

Third post in about 5 hours, I guess we have a record here, Inu, aren't we?


Okay, I guess everyone around here have experienced Insomnia at least once your their lives. Be it a final, a driving exam or a first date (don't smile, I know you did ) I guess you are all familiar with that physical impossibility to give up to sleep. too much brain activity is bad for you, especially when it is about to say goodbye to sunny world outside...and to think that only 10% of your brain bugs you to no end includes some refine irony I am now savouring the taste of.

Besides all those jolly sentences, what's up with me, really? I swear I am not high on coffee, not tonight, and as for dark thoughts about death and suicide, I forgot all those about , hmm, 10 years ago? Okay, 8 years ago...

No, really?

I am not too sure, to tell you the truth. But I know that at night, all the little worries I can manage easily at daylight (nothing about "omg i forgot to buy milk today", more of "what with my job? when a new appartment? what about our visas, and our wedding documents? what if i get turned down by the J embassy"? Jolly I told you...) seem to rush back with more acuteness, -- an oddly, more vocabulary -- once Lady Tsuki settles high up in the sky...

And lucky me, it was full Moon a night ago. Told you I am blessed by the creatures of the night, I swear my brain is of vampire kind, no wonder I pretend to have claws....

More seriously...everyone has some anti-insomnia tricks religiously handed over by some caring grandma, and I am no exceptions, so here goes:
-hot milk
-hot milk with honey
-Sudoku (easy level)
-Sudoku (satanistic-esque level)
-Da Vinci Code (most boring read eeeeeever)
-staring at dark walls with eyes wide open
-txt monmon at sacrilegeous hours (aka early morning, PI time)
-waking up said mahal for further complains
-having a lot of said mahal
-go to the mayor (direct consequence of coffee and/or hot milk, honey or not)
-turning roundroundguruguru in bed
-haunting the house on tiptoes
-reading my eyes out over Stephen Kings novel, and see the night on Italics I swear you can feel Its presence, the Monster under your bed --- It's waiting for you like dog poop on a sidewalk --
-music listening
-TV broadcastings

nothing ever works, but TV or music, bless me....

So today, after about one hour of dire complains of how hanyous should be allowed in the highest spheres of society, or at least allowed a phonecall (see infra), I decided to give blogging a try. I bet I will only manage in getting you to sleep, haha, now you too have some grandma recipe about how-to-get-fast-asleep....

Aren't you happy? Huh?Huh? ^^

Okay, do not worry, I won't start counting sheeps right away in front of you, I might be expelled from Blogger for obnoxious spam (do be kindst, Ô readers, thou not report yer poor writersth).

On the other hand, if you have Mister Sandman's cellphone #, please leave a comment after the final dot.

DOT.

Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes daily online


Because this always cheers me up! ^°^

A post that should not be here

There are many kinds of venting out one's sad emotions, let's use that useless blog to get my heart a bit less heavy...

First of all, I won't cry. What the hell does it bring anyway? It only adds to the sad feelings,and will make me feel even more useless and stupid than I feel right now.

So to start with: can any English speaking people here confirm that a sentence like "We will contact you next week" actually means "we will contact you next week"? Because it seems that, to the guys I passed an interview with, it simply means "ah, let's not waste our time with her, she jinxed her test, anyway, why bother?". Work world is even harder that everything you could see on TV.

Tell me about superheroes that save the day, why don't they go and have some job interview for a change?

I am bitter yes. Not angry, not sad, just bitter. Because I really believed I might have a friggin' chance. To get that dream job at such a young age, yes, I confess, Your Honour, I really thought I had one small chance. You know, luck, good vibes, good references......Even my horoscope was promising me wonders, go figure. Be certain that on Monday they gonna hear me. I want them to tell me right in the face that I wasn't selected. And I will prepare my smile, since at that place, smile is the way to express, be it bad, or good news. You know, my organizer is soooooo full with job appointments, I cannot spend time with you, can I? Kidding. But I will call.

To tell you the truth, I really feel like crying my heart out right now. In spite of the bad complexion, and the puffy eyes it gives, not forgetting and the aura of weakness that goes along (thank you SSSSSSociety, for making SSSSSSurvivors out of uSSSSSS). I won't indulge though, and will swallow it all. What will become of me if I gave up at the slightest problem? You're talking to a daiforum mod here, who has gone thru a disbanding, tough members to deal with, and a hack 100% live....XD

I swear that in the next interview, you gonna see me all prepped up for hair to toes. If nice skirts and nice shoes and a pretty smile are needed to convince, then you can count on me. Bring on the blonde bombs, and see if I dread them. Then take my CV where I haven't said any lies. Then give me my chance, if you wanna test me out.

Aside from this...

Last Wednesday I went to Bxl, to take back some more stuffs. Had to drag it all by tramways, where I nearly got stucked: the driver simply closed the doors on me, while I was dragging things out. Had to shout at him, for him to stop. And the people around, they just stared with an annoyed look. They can go all mushy when they watch silly real TV shows, but face reality, and count how many out of them will help. Wait, maybe I stumbled across the only tramway in whole Bxl, full of unsympathetic people? (insert ironic smile here)

Ah well.

the only thing I don't like in all this, is that I must get myself tougher, so that I won't get swallowed by this ambient nastiness. I am too mild, too fragile, and my words do not fool me... I am appalled by how hard the world has become, and I try to fight back the most honestly possible. Sometimes, you know it is so hard... In any case, I do not want to lose my integrity. Or else, I coudl really say I have lost everything.

Enough with that nonsense post anyway.... Promised my Monmon not to cry, and to rest...I guess he is right (as he always is, I must admit)...


Yakusoku yo...

Anata o miss kita...

Anata o aishiteirunda yo ne....soredemo mondai wa dja nai nda yo ne....yosh! But please next time, do not let me worry the way I did tonight... it simply kills me inside...

hmmm...

when will I ever write something jolly over here?


lol~

Yamato Nadeshiko

It is an expression which means "perfect woman".

Will I ever be that woman one day?

Do I really have her smile?

gigs etc/

the part i hate in concerts/gigs/bands performance is that it makes me worry too much.

makes me geting emo, and god knows i hate that genre//

doko ni, doko ni, doko ni, doko ni/

Inumon !!!!!

It's finally out!!! ^*^

Follow the marvelous adventures of Monmon the Dark Magi, and Inu, moderator extraordinaire! ;)

InuMon!! The Love Chronicles:


Doggy Style:


Trolls hunting:


Shirak Inside:




Pucca: ANG CUTE-CUTE TALAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!

Another thing that made me cry -that's cryday, baby-

Recently the admin of Moleskinerie asked me if he could use one of my picture to illustrate some of his entries.

I am not even a photographer, so the fact that he chosen this picture, it made me feel a bit more valuable than the other days.

If such a thing can happen over the internet, then why not in real life?

Crying my heart out for friends

I had some sad conversation today...As usual, a little detail wake some sad memories in me. I always think I got over them, but it seems that I am not strong enough.

This is about friendship. This is about my lack of "flesh and bones" friends, or the ability I have to loose them. Because I feel they do not understand me -- or is it the contrary, is it that I don't wanna realize I am a poor friend myself?

I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person I am on forums, and not only on forums. I wish I could be as easy-going, less shy. I wish I could talk to people, before they talk to me...

I think I gonna follow my mahal's advice: start an account on friendster, and build everything all over again. I just do not know how to do it. I create an account -- then what.

I had a somewhat bad experience on MySpace, maybe this wasn't just my place.

Why is it so difficult to go to people and talk? So difficult to go over that damn shyness ? I always dread places crowded with people, like parties, or even marriage. I always end up in a corner, watching as everyone is chatting along, lost in my thoughts, whising I'd be gone already. Why can't I be as easy-going in real life, asI am (I think) on forums? Why Why Why?

The only reason I can find to it is: on forums, I never feel compelled to prove I am different from the things I tell. On forums, I can explain I like rock or visual kei, without being dressed in some stereotypical fashion, no black pants, no pink hair.

I want things to change so bad...I don't wanna cry alone anymore. I am not asking to be the center of attention. No, just the courage to go and talk to people. And maybe make friends. Flesh and bone ones, this time.

Chocolate Land

Meet Apprentice and Ichiban's story here at Chocolate Land !

A few pics...

...in relation with the previous entry:


High school memories


High School/College stories


College/Work treasures


Reading a few comments below, I realise how I can get all emotional about a book I like, or dislike. More than with movies, or even facts of life.....

Bookshelves and other thoughts.

It is always dangerous to wake up one morning, and then decide: okay, today I gonna put some order in my bookshelves. Too many stories that, beyond the printed words, have such more tale to tell. In general I can recall where I bought this book, why, where did I open its pages for the first time. Some books are about 20 years old.

Children stories I picked out from my mom's shelves. They actually are the only books she ever owned ever. Thing is, my folks are not book persons, and all I discovered was, so to speak, all by myself. Then, add some more kids book, "grown up "ones without images. They all now stand indisturbed in an old dish cupboard, up there in the attic. I seldom go there anymore, because I am afraid of ferrets (a common thing in old houses), and because seeing myself at 8, 9 year old, back there in our former house, former room is a thing i cannot take.

Then, back to current floor. Most of it, fiction stories, where good and bad books stand together with Russian dictionaries and a Catholic Bible. Here's the main shelf, standing in the middle of the room (thus making some convenient wall) with its Russian litterature (only for decoration, I have a rejection for it since the end of College), Japanese litterature, Tolkien, Stephen King, and some other misc. fictions, Harry Potter included. Also the diary of Anais Nin, and some Simone de Beauvoir. Nicola Sirkis' novels together with Kurt Cobain's diary. Rachel's tears, and gone with the Wind.

Behind this one, in between two doors (my room has three doors, and three windows), lies the comic section (the adventures of Tintin, completed), manga's (the third of 'em all), the Dragonlance serie, and a few DVDs. I am not much of a film person, I think I read more all in all.

And finally, the pristine sanctuary, leaning against the opposite wall: My first Bookshelve, the one my dad made (well actually, all bookshelves are made my dad, but this one was the very first, what a symbol). There lies all the French classics that acompanied my Highschool years. Hugo, Zola, Druon, Sade, Sartre, Pennac, Baudelaire, Proust, Flaubert, Voltaire, Yourcenar, Duras, Celine, Laclos, Labro; Stendhal, writers that had me love the beauty of a written sentence, and also taking the measure of my own limits (pretty limited ^^). Together with them, Auster, Eco, Goethe, Kundera, and later on, Dickens, Bronte, Alcott or Salinger...

And in the bottom of the shelf, a paperback copy of "Da Vinci Code", abandoned on chapter 99, out of boredom, I remember, about 2 years ago. The strange thing is that I can never give a book, or dump it, even if I hated it. Same goes with Sade's 120 journées de Sodome or Hugo's Quatre-Vingt Treize. Or some other books reminding me too painfully of persons I wish I could forget, but can't.

There's a mistery with bookshelves I cannot help but like: like a living memory, it keeps track of all my secrets, desires, or unspeakable thoughts, only know to me, and to those silent pages. A way to remind myself that's where I came from. And most of the time, no one but me know the importance of that "useless stack of faded paper".



And, as usual, the mess is still there: think I'll need another day to tide it up again.

Lame Joke

- why is WinAmp the sexiest MP3 player in the world?

- because it has an "always on top" (ctrl+A) option ...

*giggles*

Da Vinci Hoax

Da Vinci Hoax, the link here,
and another interesting link here

It only comfort me in the thought that this book is nothing but Bullsh!t.

False descriptions (Mister Brown didn't even checked the reality of what he wrote: believe it or not, but, for example, his description of the Saint-Sulpice church is absolutely inaccurate, looks like he didn't even check Google to at least get an accurate picture, or historical facts. Wait, 'till I get even more serious links to develop my ideas.

Not even talking about the Holy Grail thing, or the Maria Magdalene one, theories that have been written about aaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago, and 100 times better that this Joker. I am passionate about all things esoteric, religious or historical: believe me, any encyclopedia is much more worth a reading....

do I add my 2 cents to what is, in fact, nothing but a marketing coup?

I think that, to face the overall praising feeling ("have you read DaVinci Code? OMG that was totally AWESOME!!"), I feel like saying out loud that this book, beside the fact that it is a bore to read (and yes, I read it in English), is nothing more but a compilation of truncated truths, and bad thriller effects. And to those arguing that I am a poor writer myself, I will reply that I read enough books so far, to know what a good opus is (ever read "The name of the rose?" by Umberto Eco? Now THAT is a good book).

Congratulations, Mister Brown, you found the way how to ear a lot of money out of the people's credulity and lack of culture. Now, can you refund me the 11 euros I spent on your crap?


This said, I'd be happy to read comments by people loving this book. I really would like to understand what you are finding so great about it all....

And I promise I won't flame you

seems like maison ikkoku has been retired from the editor's catalog..

reason?

either a lagal copyright one (the retailer explained that sometimes, the JApanese authors give a copyright for a fixed amount of years)

or the fact that the serie wasn'tr selling well...




so i chosen "Dragon Head" instead, I need to use my 35 euros credit anyway, and this, before i leave my office place....

the bookstore is at 2 minutes from there.....

Maison Ikkoku

Decided to read that manga....

It's been one of my first anime, back in the 90's, and I have a tenderness for that serie...






Aside from that, i am pissed off beyond recognition, don't even ask why.

The sum of it all

I am counting the days left working at my current office. Exactly 14. Then, I take the whole month of June as holiday. Doing nothing but forget about the tenants, the files, the problems, the toilet paper incidents, everything. Then , on June 11, I go abroad to reach my Monmon's arms.

And after that, well, we'll think about our future in the most useful way.

I want barbecues in the garden. I want to be with my family, since my friends are all abroad. I want idle times reading, or doing crosswords. I want to occupy my mind to anything, but work. Living that work life is like having a permanent stress over my shoulder. I am not a naive person, I know that any business place is like that, even worse, sometimes. I just do not have the physical strength to cope with everything now.

I honestly think I am dealing with a lot of stuff, and not that bad, all in all. I am semi independent, I can deal with a money budget easily, I am an all-task assistant (from phone calls to fixing the Xerox machine), and on top of that, I am a mod at a forum (a task I am taking too much at heart, sometimes, good thing there's the Tech team I can rely on...)

I wanna get a life all by myself and my fiance. I want us to be together, and having a life. I am scared about the future of my parents too. I know they are craving to leave to France, bt I feem like I am the only obstacle to their dream and it is eating me away, too... Plus they are now renting the house we live in, and I am afraid we might get expelled some day or other..(you never know with the landlords...)

I know some people are thinking I am a fool, that living a long distance relationship will lead me nowhere. It's been one year and a half now, and all I can say is that the people who know me told me I had changed. That I was happier, quieter, in a way, better. But then again, listen to everything that people say, and you would never do anything of your own life.

Just do what you think is right, and be at peace with your conscience. And if the persons disagree, well so be it. It work that way on a forum, so it is in real life.

Some call me an idealist, I know. But without ideals, you are condemmned to endlessly follow the general opinion, caught forever in cliches and deja-vu attitude. I will never be an exceptional person, but at least, I can tell that my choices were my owns.