the part i hate in concerts/gigs/bands performance is that it makes me worry too much.
makes me geting emo, and god knows i hate that genre//
doko ni, doko ni, doko ni, doko ni/
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Inumon !!!!!
It's finally out!!! ^*^
Follow the marvelous adventures of Monmon the Dark Magi, and Inu, moderator extraordinaire! ;)
InuMon!! The Love Chronicles:
Doggy Style:
Trolls hunting:
Shirak Inside:
Pucca: ANG CUTE-CUTE TALAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!
Follow the marvelous adventures of Monmon the Dark Magi, and Inu, moderator extraordinaire! ;)
InuMon!! The Love Chronicles:
Doggy Style:
Trolls hunting:
Shirak Inside:
Pucca: ANG CUTE-CUTE TALAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Another thing that made me cry -that's cryday, baby-
Recently the admin of Moleskinerie asked me if he could use one of my picture to illustrate some of his entries.
I am not even a photographer, so the fact that he chosen this picture, it made me feel a bit more valuable than the other days.
If such a thing can happen over the internet, then why not in real life?
I am not even a photographer, so the fact that he chosen this picture, it made me feel a bit more valuable than the other days.
If such a thing can happen over the internet, then why not in real life?
Crying my heart out for friends
I had some sad conversation today...As usual, a little detail wake some sad memories in me. I always think I got over them, but it seems that I am not strong enough.
This is about friendship. This is about my lack of "flesh and bones" friends, or the ability I have to loose them. Because I feel they do not understand me -- or is it the contrary, is it that I don't wanna realize I am a poor friend myself?
I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person I am on forums, and not only on forums. I wish I could be as easy-going, less shy. I wish I could talk to people, before they talk to me...
I think I gonna follow my mahal's advice: start an account on friendster, and build everything all over again. I just do not know how to do it. I create an account -- then what.
I had a somewhat bad experience on MySpace, maybe this wasn't just my place.
Why is it so difficult to go to people and talk? So difficult to go over that damn shyness ? I always dread places crowded with people, like parties, or even marriage. I always end up in a corner, watching as everyone is chatting along, lost in my thoughts, whising I'd be gone already. Why can't I be as easy-going in real life, asI am (I think) on forums? Why Why Why?
The only reason I can find to it is: on forums, I never feel compelled to prove I am different from the things I tell. On forums, I can explain I like rock or visual kei, without being dressed in some stereotypical fashion, no black pants, no pink hair.
I want things to change so bad...I don't wanna cry alone anymore. I am not asking to be the center of attention. No, just the courage to go and talk to people. And maybe make friends. Flesh and bone ones, this time.
This is about friendship. This is about my lack of "flesh and bones" friends, or the ability I have to loose them. Because I feel they do not understand me -- or is it the contrary, is it that I don't wanna realize I am a poor friend myself?
I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person I am on forums, and not only on forums. I wish I could be as easy-going, less shy. I wish I could talk to people, before they talk to me...
I think I gonna follow my mahal's advice: start an account on friendster, and build everything all over again. I just do not know how to do it. I create an account -- then what.
I had a somewhat bad experience on MySpace, maybe this wasn't just my place.
Why is it so difficult to go to people and talk? So difficult to go over that damn shyness ? I always dread places crowded with people, like parties, or even marriage. I always end up in a corner, watching as everyone is chatting along, lost in my thoughts, whising I'd be gone already. Why can't I be as easy-going in real life, asI am (I think) on forums? Why Why Why?
The only reason I can find to it is: on forums, I never feel compelled to prove I am different from the things I tell. On forums, I can explain I like rock or visual kei, without being dressed in some stereotypical fashion, no black pants, no pink hair.
I want things to change so bad...I don't wanna cry alone anymore. I am not asking to be the center of attention. No, just the courage to go and talk to people. And maybe make friends. Flesh and bone ones, this time.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
A few pics...
...in relation with the previous entry:
High school memories
High School/College stories
College/Work treasures
Reading a few comments below, I realise how I can get all emotional about a book I like, or dislike. More than with movies, or even facts of life.....
High school memories
High School/College stories
College/Work treasures
Reading a few comments below, I realise how I can get all emotional about a book I like, or dislike. More than with movies, or even facts of life.....
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Bookshelves and other thoughts.
It is always dangerous to wake up one morning, and then decide: okay, today I gonna put some order in my bookshelves. Too many stories that, beyond the printed words, have such more tale to tell. In general I can recall where I bought this book, why, where did I open its pages for the first time. Some books are about 20 years old.
Children stories I picked out from my mom's shelves. They actually are the only books she ever owned ever. Thing is, my folks are not book persons, and all I discovered was, so to speak, all by myself. Then, add some more kids book, "grown up "ones without images. They all now stand indisturbed in an old dish cupboard, up there in the attic. I seldom go there anymore, because I am afraid of ferrets (a common thing in old houses), and because seeing myself at 8, 9 year old, back there in our former house, former room is a thing i cannot take.
Then, back to current floor. Most of it, fiction stories, where good and bad books stand together with Russian dictionaries and a Catholic Bible. Here's the main shelf, standing in the middle of the room (thus making some convenient wall) with its Russian litterature (only for decoration, I have a rejection for it since the end of College), Japanese litterature, Tolkien, Stephen King, and some other misc. fictions, Harry Potter included. Also the diary of Anais Nin, and some Simone de Beauvoir. Nicola Sirkis' novels together with Kurt Cobain's diary. Rachel's tears, and gone with the Wind.
Behind this one, in between two doors (my room has three doors, and three windows), lies the comic section (the adventures of Tintin, completed), manga's (the third of 'em all), the Dragonlance serie, and a few DVDs. I am not much of a film person, I think I read more all in all.
And finally, the pristine sanctuary, leaning against the opposite wall: My first Bookshelve, the one my dad made (well actually, all bookshelves are made my dad, but this one was the very first, what a symbol). There lies all the French classics that acompanied my Highschool years. Hugo, Zola, Druon, Sade, Sartre, Pennac, Baudelaire, Proust, Flaubert, Voltaire, Yourcenar, Duras, Celine, Laclos, Labro; Stendhal, writers that had me love the beauty of a written sentence, and also taking the measure of my own limits (pretty limited ^^). Together with them, Auster, Eco, Goethe, Kundera, and later on, Dickens, Bronte, Alcott or Salinger...
And in the bottom of the shelf, a paperback copy of "Da Vinci Code", abandoned on chapter 99, out of boredom, I remember, about 2 years ago. The strange thing is that I can never give a book, or dump it, even if I hated it. Same goes with Sade's 120 journées de Sodome or Hugo's Quatre-Vingt Treize. Or some other books reminding me too painfully of persons I wish I could forget, but can't.
There's a mistery with bookshelves I cannot help but like: like a living memory, it keeps track of all my secrets, desires, or unspeakable thoughts, only know to me, and to those silent pages. A way to remind myself that's where I came from. And most of the time, no one but me know the importance of that "useless stack of faded paper".
And, as usual, the mess is still there: think I'll need another day to tide it up again.
Children stories I picked out from my mom's shelves. They actually are the only books she ever owned ever. Thing is, my folks are not book persons, and all I discovered was, so to speak, all by myself. Then, add some more kids book, "grown up "ones without images. They all now stand indisturbed in an old dish cupboard, up there in the attic. I seldom go there anymore, because I am afraid of ferrets (a common thing in old houses), and because seeing myself at 8, 9 year old, back there in our former house, former room is a thing i cannot take.
Then, back to current floor. Most of it, fiction stories, where good and bad books stand together with Russian dictionaries and a Catholic Bible. Here's the main shelf, standing in the middle of the room (thus making some convenient wall) with its Russian litterature (only for decoration, I have a rejection for it since the end of College), Japanese litterature, Tolkien, Stephen King, and some other misc. fictions, Harry Potter included. Also the diary of Anais Nin, and some Simone de Beauvoir. Nicola Sirkis' novels together with Kurt Cobain's diary. Rachel's tears, and gone with the Wind.
Behind this one, in between two doors (my room has three doors, and three windows), lies the comic section (the adventures of Tintin, completed), manga's (the third of 'em all), the Dragonlance serie, and a few DVDs. I am not much of a film person, I think I read more all in all.
And finally, the pristine sanctuary, leaning against the opposite wall: My first Bookshelve, the one my dad made (well actually, all bookshelves are made my dad, but this one was the very first, what a symbol). There lies all the French classics that acompanied my Highschool years. Hugo, Zola, Druon, Sade, Sartre, Pennac, Baudelaire, Proust, Flaubert, Voltaire, Yourcenar, Duras, Celine, Laclos, Labro; Stendhal, writers that had me love the beauty of a written sentence, and also taking the measure of my own limits (pretty limited ^^). Together with them, Auster, Eco, Goethe, Kundera, and later on, Dickens, Bronte, Alcott or Salinger...
And in the bottom of the shelf, a paperback copy of "Da Vinci Code", abandoned on chapter 99, out of boredom, I remember, about 2 years ago. The strange thing is that I can never give a book, or dump it, even if I hated it. Same goes with Sade's 120 journées de Sodome or Hugo's Quatre-Vingt Treize. Or some other books reminding me too painfully of persons I wish I could forget, but can't.
There's a mistery with bookshelves I cannot help but like: like a living memory, it keeps track of all my secrets, desires, or unspeakable thoughts, only know to me, and to those silent pages. A way to remind myself that's where I came from. And most of the time, no one but me know the importance of that "useless stack of faded paper".
And, as usual, the mess is still there: think I'll need another day to tide it up again.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Lame Joke
- why is WinAmp the sexiest MP3 player in the world?
- because it has an "always on top" (ctrl+A) option ...
*giggles*
- because it has an "always on top" (ctrl+A) option ...
*giggles*
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Da Vinci Hoax
Da Vinci Hoax, the link here,
and another interesting link here
It only comfort me in the thought that this book is nothing but Bullsh!t.
False descriptions (Mister Brown didn't even checked the reality of what he wrote: believe it or not, but, for example, his description of the Saint-Sulpice church is absolutely inaccurate, looks like he didn't even check Google to at least get an accurate picture, or historical facts. Wait, 'till I get even more serious links to develop my ideas.
Not even talking about the Holy Grail thing, or the Maria Magdalene one, theories that have been written about aaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago, and 100 times better that this Joker. I am passionate about all things esoteric, religious or historical: believe me, any encyclopedia is much more worth a reading....
do I add my 2 cents to what is, in fact, nothing but a marketing coup?
I think that, to face the overall praising feeling ("have you read DaVinci Code? OMG that was totally AWESOME!!"), I feel like saying out loud that this book, beside the fact that it is a bore to read (and yes, I read it in English), is nothing more but a compilation of truncated truths, and bad thriller effects. And to those arguing that I am a poor writer myself, I will reply that I read enough books so far, to know what a good opus is (ever read "The name of the rose?" by Umberto Eco? Now THAT is a good book).
Congratulations, Mister Brown, you found the way how to ear a lot of money out of the people's credulity and lack of culture. Now, can you refund me the 11 euros I spent on your crap?
This said, I'd be happy to read comments by people loving this book. I really would like to understand what you are finding so great about it all....
And I promise I won't flame you
and another interesting link here
It only comfort me in the thought that this book is nothing but Bullsh!t.
False descriptions (Mister Brown didn't even checked the reality of what he wrote: believe it or not, but, for example, his description of the Saint-Sulpice church is absolutely inaccurate, looks like he didn't even check Google to at least get an accurate picture, or historical facts. Wait, 'till I get even more serious links to develop my ideas.
Not even talking about the Holy Grail thing, or the Maria Magdalene one, theories that have been written about aaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago, and 100 times better that this Joker. I am passionate about all things esoteric, religious or historical: believe me, any encyclopedia is much more worth a reading....
do I add my 2 cents to what is, in fact, nothing but a marketing coup?
I think that, to face the overall praising feeling ("have you read DaVinci Code? OMG that was totally AWESOME!!"), I feel like saying out loud that this book, beside the fact that it is a bore to read (and yes, I read it in English), is nothing more but a compilation of truncated truths, and bad thriller effects. And to those arguing that I am a poor writer myself, I will reply that I read enough books so far, to know what a good opus is (ever read "The name of the rose?" by Umberto Eco? Now THAT is a good book).
Congratulations, Mister Brown, you found the way how to ear a lot of money out of the people's credulity and lack of culture. Now, can you refund me the 11 euros I spent on your crap?
This said, I'd be happy to read comments by people loving this book. I really would like to understand what you are finding so great about it all....
And I promise I won't flame you
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
seems like maison ikkoku has been retired from the editor's catalog..
reason?
either a lagal copyright one (the retailer explained that sometimes, the JApanese authors give a copyright for a fixed amount of years)
or the fact that the serie wasn'tr selling well...
so i chosen "Dragon Head" instead, I need to use my 35 euros credit anyway, and this, before i leave my office place....
the bookstore is at 2 minutes from there.....
reason?
either a lagal copyright one (the retailer explained that sometimes, the JApanese authors give a copyright for a fixed amount of years)
or the fact that the serie wasn'tr selling well...
so i chosen "Dragon Head" instead, I need to use my 35 euros credit anyway, and this, before i leave my office place....
the bookstore is at 2 minutes from there.....
Maison Ikkoku
Decided to read that manga....
It's been one of my first anime, back in the 90's, and I have a tenderness for that serie...
Aside from that, i am pissed off beyond recognition, don't even ask why.
It's been one of my first anime, back in the 90's, and I have a tenderness for that serie...
Aside from that, i am pissed off beyond recognition, don't even ask why.
Friday, May 12, 2006
The sum of it all
I am counting the days left working at my current office. Exactly 14. Then, I take the whole month of June as holiday. Doing nothing but forget about the tenants, the files, the problems, the toilet paper incidents, everything. Then , on June 11, I go abroad to reach my Monmon's arms.
And after that, well, we'll think about our future in the most useful way.
I want barbecues in the garden. I want to be with my family, since my friends are all abroad. I want idle times reading, or doing crosswords. I want to occupy my mind to anything, but work. Living that work life is like having a permanent stress over my shoulder. I am not a naive person, I know that any business place is like that, even worse, sometimes. I just do not have the physical strength to cope with everything now.
I honestly think I am dealing with a lot of stuff, and not that bad, all in all. I am semi independent, I can deal with a money budget easily, I am an all-task assistant (from phone calls to fixing the Xerox machine), and on top of that, I am a mod at a forum (a task I am taking too much at heart, sometimes, good thing there's the Tech team I can rely on...)
I wanna get a life all by myself and my fiance. I want us to be together, and having a life. I am scared about the future of my parents too. I know they are craving to leave to France, bt I feem like I am the only obstacle to their dream and it is eating me away, too... Plus they are now renting the house we live in, and I am afraid we might get expelled some day or other..(you never know with the landlords...)
I know some people are thinking I am a fool, that living a long distance relationship will lead me nowhere. It's been one year and a half now, and all I can say is that the people who know me told me I had changed. That I was happier, quieter, in a way, better. But then again, listen to everything that people say, and you would never do anything of your own life.
Just do what you think is right, and be at peace with your conscience. And if the persons disagree, well so be it. It work that way on a forum, so it is in real life.
Some call me an idealist, I know. But without ideals, you are condemmned to endlessly follow the general opinion, caught forever in cliches and deja-vu attitude. I will never be an exceptional person, but at least, I can tell that my choices were my owns.
And after that, well, we'll think about our future in the most useful way.
I want barbecues in the garden. I want to be with my family, since my friends are all abroad. I want idle times reading, or doing crosswords. I want to occupy my mind to anything, but work. Living that work life is like having a permanent stress over my shoulder. I am not a naive person, I know that any business place is like that, even worse, sometimes. I just do not have the physical strength to cope with everything now.
I honestly think I am dealing with a lot of stuff, and not that bad, all in all. I am semi independent, I can deal with a money budget easily, I am an all-task assistant (from phone calls to fixing the Xerox machine), and on top of that, I am a mod at a forum (a task I am taking too much at heart, sometimes, good thing there's the Tech team I can rely on...)
I wanna get a life all by myself and my fiance. I want us to be together, and having a life. I am scared about the future of my parents too. I know they are craving to leave to France, bt I feem like I am the only obstacle to their dream and it is eating me away, too... Plus they are now renting the house we live in, and I am afraid we might get expelled some day or other..(you never know with the landlords...)
I know some people are thinking I am a fool, that living a long distance relationship will lead me nowhere. It's been one year and a half now, and all I can say is that the people who know me told me I had changed. That I was happier, quieter, in a way, better. But then again, listen to everything that people say, and you would never do anything of your own life.
Just do what you think is right, and be at peace with your conscience. And if the persons disagree, well so be it. It work that way on a forum, so it is in real life.
Some call me an idealist, I know. But without ideals, you are condemmned to endlessly follow the general opinion, caught forever in cliches and deja-vu attitude. I will never be an exceptional person, but at least, I can tell that my choices were my owns.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Cadence Mystery
My headphones died today, which prevents me from listening to my favourites web radio's.
And, too bad, the cable of my MP3 player is way too short to supply for the loss. (The tower being underneath my desk, I am so craving for a laptop)....
Which makes me enjoy the silence, overwhelming in that office that goes slowlier and slowlier, as days pass... so I do crosswords a lot (I am passionate with it, but my mind frame is not as witty as to switch to the highest levels), or any word games I can stumble across... I do Sudoku too, now that I got the trick, it amuses me to no end.... Talking about crosswords, I had the weirdest surprise yesterday...I bougth a new crossword revue, the kind of small one, able to hold in my purse.... I didn't check it, as usual, but when I opened it.... i realized that about 20 pages are missing. And that an unknown hand has filled a crossword, at page 19..... Hey that's no fair I thought...
I imagined myself rushing back to the vendor, hurling the revue at his head, screaming, "gimme my money back!" what would be the use anyway, I couldn't prove anything... So I kept it all, and started doing crosswords too, with that unknown handwriting accompanying me.... the person has a nervous writing, and filled the game with no pain: no blurts no erasing, all is neat and tidy...
Is it the vendor himself? Or some thief, who filled the games, then replaced the revue back on the store?
My fantasy mind cannot help imagining the weirdest explanations, it's like having someone watching you over the shoulder... I am just annoyed that the person (supposedly) remove the index pages...I woudln't have minded keeping his/her own games, all in all...
And, too bad, the cable of my MP3 player is way too short to supply for the loss. (The tower being underneath my desk, I am so craving for a laptop)....
Which makes me enjoy the silence, overwhelming in that office that goes slowlier and slowlier, as days pass... so I do crosswords a lot (I am passionate with it, but my mind frame is not as witty as to switch to the highest levels), or any word games I can stumble across... I do Sudoku too, now that I got the trick, it amuses me to no end.... Talking about crosswords, I had the weirdest surprise yesterday...I bougth a new crossword revue, the kind of small one, able to hold in my purse.... I didn't check it, as usual, but when I opened it.... i realized that about 20 pages are missing. And that an unknown hand has filled a crossword, at page 19..... Hey that's no fair I thought...
I imagined myself rushing back to the vendor, hurling the revue at his head, screaming, "gimme my money back!" what would be the use anyway, I couldn't prove anything... So I kept it all, and started doing crosswords too, with that unknown handwriting accompanying me.... the person has a nervous writing, and filled the game with no pain: no blurts no erasing, all is neat and tidy...
Is it the vendor himself? Or some thief, who filled the games, then replaced the revue back on the store?
My fantasy mind cannot help imagining the weirdest explanations, it's like having someone watching you over the shoulder... I am just annoyed that the person (supposedly) remove the index pages...I woudln't have minded keeping his/her own games, all in all...
Sunday, April 30, 2006
10 things about me that will make you think I'm a guy
1) I hate shopping for clothes
2) I love tech gadgets, anime, manga and videogames (even if I am a lame gamer)
3) I never played with dolls
4) I never wears skirts when i go downtown (alone)
5) I seldom wear make-up
6) I like pocket knives and katana
7) I like watching football
8) I never buy any "women magazines", because talks about diet bores me to no end
9) romantic comedies are not my thing: I like KungFu better
10) I am a computer geek wannabe ^^
XD
obvious girly girly attitude, though:
1) I love anything's kawaii (Hello Kitty in particular)
2) I have the habit of waving my hands when I am talking
3) I giggle a lot
4) I wear high heels as I wear sneakers : comfy and with no pain
5) I like to cuddle, and being cuddled
6) I cry a lot (too much, imo)
7) I put some charms on my mobile phone, and I think it's cute
8) I love cooking, especially sushi and cupcakes
9) I like wearing rings, and have natural long nails
10) I am a bad driver.....
XDXD
2) I love tech gadgets, anime, manga and videogames (even if I am a lame gamer)
3) I never played with dolls
4) I never wears skirts when i go downtown (alone)
5) I seldom wear make-up
6) I like pocket knives and katana
7) I like watching football
8) I never buy any "women magazines", because talks about diet bores me to no end
9) romantic comedies are not my thing: I like KungFu better
10) I am a computer geek wannabe ^^
XD
obvious girly girly attitude, though:
1) I love anything's kawaii (Hello Kitty in particular)
2) I have the habit of waving my hands when I am talking
3) I giggle a lot
4) I wear high heels as I wear sneakers : comfy and with no pain
5) I like to cuddle, and being cuddled
6) I cry a lot (too much, imo)
7) I put some charms on my mobile phone, and I think it's cute
8) I love cooking, especially sushi and cupcakes
9) I like wearing rings, and have natural long nails
10) I am a bad driver.....
XDXD
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Taximen and Madam's BMW
Ordinary life, with ordinary troubles.
Back to down-to-Earth problems, to that office work I gonna leave soon, the uncertainties, what am I gonna eat tonight, that Sudoku puzzle I can't resolve (maths and I), an order to fetch tomorrow, our bathroom that isn't finished yet, angry tenants (now that's funny sometimes), a good movie, a good shower...
Dare I say, anything but virtual life, but there we go again, isn't a blog all 0's an 1's ?
Talking about real life: I got nearly crushed down by a taxi passing on the red signal yesterday. MAde the guy a "are you crazy" sign (yup, too nice to give him the Middle Finger, hey, I am a polite girl, who tries to tame the tomboy in her...). He just made a "get moving, chick" look, and I sloooooooooooooowly walked across the pedestrian lane (take that, smart boy).
I swear I have a nice Guardian Angel.
I think that from my way home to work, then back again I risk my life about hmmm 10 times. Not counting my lunch hour, which could dramatically increase the data. I even gave up listening to my player --far too dangerous--, and I consider any buildings entries as Hell's Gate.
And on top of that, my Angel is working overtime.
And right was I, since, not only 2 minutes after my encounter with Taximan, I nearly got taken by surprise, and by a Madam in BMW. Then again, I stand right in front of her nice car, until she backs off a bit. Angry look, and me smiling, I finally came back home.
In one single piece.
Back to down-to-Earth problems, to that office work I gonna leave soon, the uncertainties, what am I gonna eat tonight, that Sudoku puzzle I can't resolve (maths and I), an order to fetch tomorrow, our bathroom that isn't finished yet, angry tenants (now that's funny sometimes), a good movie, a good shower...
Dare I say, anything but virtual life, but there we go again, isn't a blog all 0's an 1's ?
Talking about real life: I got nearly crushed down by a taxi passing on the red signal yesterday. MAde the guy a "are you crazy" sign (yup, too nice to give him the Middle Finger, hey, I am a polite girl, who tries to tame the tomboy in her...). He just made a "get moving, chick" look, and I sloooooooooooooowly walked across the pedestrian lane (take that, smart boy).
I swear I have a nice Guardian Angel.
I think that from my way home to work, then back again I risk my life about hmmm 10 times. Not counting my lunch hour, which could dramatically increase the data. I even gave up listening to my player --far too dangerous--, and I consider any buildings entries as Hell's Gate.
And on top of that, my Angel is working overtime.
And right was I, since, not only 2 minutes after my encounter with Taximan, I nearly got taken by surprise, and by a Madam in BMW. Then again, I stand right in front of her nice car, until she backs off a bit. Angry look, and me smiling, I finally came back home.
In one single piece.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
I think we are "There" again.
Somehow the daiforum coming back was too good to be true, so did the Hacker believe.
Like I said, and after I stopped going from incredulity to panick to call for help to depressed mood to insomnia to worried to scared to calmed down again (and in that very order):
I just cannot understand.
Somehow the daiforum coming back was too good to be true, so did the Hacker believe.
Like I said, and after I stopped going from incredulity to panick to call for help to depressed mood to insomnia to worried to scared to calmed down again (and in that very order):
I just cannot understand.
Monday, April 24, 2006
"From there, and back again"
To paraphrase my friend Bilbo, we are back again, and it is right here, right now!
I am no lone Moderator anymore, and I feel I can rest a bit more, at last...even though I know I will have a hard time to be less around this place I love so much...
Anyway, besides a nightmare, I can tell that I had a good sleep's night, the first in too many days...
A new forum, a new wallpaper, of course, still problems, but feeling quieter at last.
The control freak I am at times is still lying die-hard on the inside, i still feel its Ring of Power around my fingers....but they slowly give way...
And even know I am a bit cautious about all the new things in place, I feel proud and happy, most of it all, I feel that we proved our community was more than words....
To the Fantasy Brigade of our forum,
To my Love that never fail to love and support me, even when I was begging for his arms around my tired shoulder...,
I am glad to be there, and back again, with you !!
Ichiban~
I am no lone Moderator anymore, and I feel I can rest a bit more, at last...even though I know I will have a hard time to be less around this place I love so much...
Anyway, besides a nightmare, I can tell that I had a good sleep's night, the first in too many days...
A new forum, a new wallpaper, of course, still problems, but feeling quieter at last.
The control freak I am at times is still lying die-hard on the inside, i still feel its Ring of Power around my fingers....but they slowly give way...
And even know I am a bit cautious about all the new things in place, I feel proud and happy, most of it all, I feel that we proved our community was more than words....
To the Fantasy Brigade of our forum,
To my Love that never fail to love and support me, even when I was begging for his arms around my tired shoulder...,
I am glad to be there, and back again, with you !!
Ichiban~
Sunday, April 23, 2006
i tried to sleep a bit, but i am so under pressure that all i can do is worrying even more. i am tired and physically not good, but sleep won't come easy to me.
i am stressed out by all the uncertainties surrounding me...job, paper problems, lodging problem...i feel lost, completely unable to find which solution is best. if i am writing in here, it's to try and not crying, i do not wanna tell my parents about my worries, i do not want to worry them.
i feel so lonely...i wish my loev and i would be together, i feel so lonely without him....i wish i had at least friends to be with, but they are all scattered around, stuck with work, or living so far away from me.... i wish i could forget my troubles by working, but the situation at the office is the worst ever. i am leaving definitely this May 31, and i am sincerely longing for it. i can't support the uncertainties anymore, it's eating me away...
i do not want to open myself to my fellow forumers, they got their own problems, and i do not wanna be a burden to them.
i do not know what to do to do good...All i am wishing for is june 11, leaving from here, and reach my fiance. that's all i am wanting now.
i feel like i am fighting against walls, but either it's me getting weaker, or it's the walls getting thicker. i wish i could hit them with all my strenght, until they break down. i wish nothing could attain me, i wish i could hide my tears better.
i am stressed out by all the uncertainties surrounding me...job, paper problems, lodging problem...i feel lost, completely unable to find which solution is best. if i am writing in here, it's to try and not crying, i do not wanna tell my parents about my worries, i do not want to worry them.
i feel so lonely...i wish my loev and i would be together, i feel so lonely without him....i wish i had at least friends to be with, but they are all scattered around, stuck with work, or living so far away from me.... i wish i could forget my troubles by working, but the situation at the office is the worst ever. i am leaving definitely this May 31, and i am sincerely longing for it. i can't support the uncertainties anymore, it's eating me away...
i do not want to open myself to my fellow forumers, they got their own problems, and i do not wanna be a burden to them.
i do not know what to do to do good...All i am wishing for is june 11, leaving from here, and reach my fiance. that's all i am wanting now.
i feel like i am fighting against walls, but either it's me getting weaker, or it's the walls getting thicker. i wish i could hit them with all my strenght, until they break down. i wish nothing could attain me, i wish i could hide my tears better.
I know I shouldn't say that, but sometimes, I feel like giving it up.
Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.
I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...
Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.
Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^
Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.
"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.
And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^
I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.
Ah well.
God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!
I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.
I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.
Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...
Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.
I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...
Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.
Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^
Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.
"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.
And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^
I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.
Ah well.
God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!
I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.
I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.
Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Panic crisis
* * *
I had the bad surprise of having one last night.
And I talk here of the physical emanation of it, not only the rhetorical aspect.
It all started with a general uneasiness, heavy head and lack of energy the whole day long. And being on the verge of tears a good part of the day. Somehow, a slight event triggered it…..In this case, the lack of central heating when coming back home, late at night.
I start to cry at
Got out of the shower, feeling a bit warmer, but still in tears. Dragged myself to the kitchen, and made some herbal tea….Finally, after one hour, I could get a grip on my emotions. The sensation of panic still lingering, though. At least, I could reason myself better. Tears are no use anyhow, Inu, so stop torturing yourself with ideas (jolly things like “what if my beloved gets hurt in an accident?” “what if our landlords kicks my parents out of their (our) house?” “what if….”) that I can’t control anyway.
Crying is tiring, too (that’s why I hate it), and, the lingering of the hot shower helping, I finally snuggled in bed….to finally hear the central heating function again… (at 10h30 PM, what a shame)
Got an SMS of my beloved round
* * *
Aside from the drama story, I browsed the internet today, to see if what I endured yesterday was out of too much of imagination, or had medical causes whatsoever
It comes out of my search that panic crisis, are, indeed, a medical affection, and generally, it happens to people that are in general nervous, or hyper-emotive (yay, and I think I win on those ). I recognized some aspects pretty clearly (happening at night, a feeling of terror, and of falling into madness), although really faintly.
I am glad to realize that I have only faint symptoms, and that I can control it at the end (I mean, I do not have “death thoughts”, and I perfectly realize that my fears are irrational)
But still, if I could find a way to prevent that kind of hyper sensibility, I would be really glad. But I do not want to “kill” myself, I mean, to lose the positive aspects of this sensibility. I want to keep my cheerful self always, even if it means that nights alone will never be my friends.
* * *
I know that, when I am with my Monchan, I never ever suffer of this disagreement ^^
He is my best medicine ^^
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