Inner Thoughts

Taking my leave.

Try and thinking right. Find back my own writing.

Events do not move anymore. I feel trapped by my feelings, unable to make out if I do not go right ahead in the wall. When will I learn to trust again?

The Purple Rose of Cairo. I feel like he is jumping in my life out of a screen, too. Is there a future for us, somewhere?

I want a future for us, somehow.

Shrimps. And white wine. For me to cook tonight. Staying alive, even if the forthcoming pain is putting me down yet. Changing moods, that I've been knowing for 15 years now, and that I still cannot entirely tame down.

I want him. I desire him. He knows it. I'm afraid of physical pain, yes. Too much stress and anticipation, someone comfort me on that point. I wanna tell everyone about him, and keep it secret. I want him to desire me.

Shoah. Images of a past that I do not wanna witness again. Auschwitz-Birkenau. Bergen-Belsen. Sobibor. Chelmno. Treblinka. Dachau. And so many more. Too many more.

God. His presence, or His absence. His religion I cannot believe in.

Questions, Readings, Feelings, a pseudo-forum war I do not give a damn to, and real biting sadness I simply cannot comment on. Breanne, I wish I had the words, but they are escaping me…..I wish I could be as strong as you seem to be….

Loneliness. Somewhat pleasant, when I need to focus on. Could you understand it? Could you feel when I want to stay alone, or when my silence is a call for having you near me? How can I be closer to you? How can I understand you better?

How can I get out of myself, out of my Ivory Tower that have me choking right now?