Balisong

is within my reach !!

Oro !!

Do not expect long posts about my life and problems et alii, because I simply am not in the mood to write much...

So Meanwhile, don't fail to check some links at your left, you will find really nice pieces of writing..

And for your own pleasure, and mine especially:




credits to www.impishie.com

WTH??????

test

Why do i get an error 403 when typing my blog URL in the IE searchbar?

"My Honey is stronger than Kenshin" story:

(m ^0^) (nn x) <---(@@ s)

(m OO) (s >.<) (O.o x)

.....................(s #>.<)o KAPOWWWWWWWWWWW !!! (-0- x)

(XX x)

°(m ^*^)° (^^ s)

(m ^)(nn s)

The End


*totally random lols*

Updates and manga's

So happy Daiforum is back at last, at first I could not believe it..^0^

Still busy as hell, so little time to be on9, even for mere browsing, I do'nt even talk about serious blog entries...

Still, feels good to know a place were the buddies are, be it here, or in 2DL, or in Daiforum....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Emptying my mind with manga's, finished GTO, now starting Rurouni Kenshin: funny how those echo with my life, or is it me searching for mirrors, I do not know...

Manga's remind me more of the "feuilleton genre" , which was very popular in France with authors like Eugene Sue, or Alexandre Dumas, or Dickens in UK. So far away from the "comic strips" genre as we see it here in Belgium: thin albums in big format, a regular 46 pages in full colours, less coded, and more descriptive (as far as I know). I like how the narration in manga's is faster, and in a way more "violent". Am I feeling more violent myself? Do I feel like strolling around with a sakabatou, or a gun? I think not, since everything happens in my imagination, since the characters' almond shaped eyes and SD gimmicks remind me of their non-real status.

Only the feelings remain, some quotations that linger deep in mind. And always for the best. A Japanese hero is never perfect in the way Western societies envision it: perfection in Asia means Good balanced perfectly by Bad (yes I simplify a bit ^^) : that way Inuyasha is a perfect moron, Eikichi is a pervert, and Kenshin is your regular candid guy. All three have in common to be uncommonly brave strong, and rightgeous, nevertheless...

Or, like in some Seinen manga's like "Monster" or "20th Century's Boys"(if you look for mind blowing plot, go get those!), reality is never as simple as good/bad dichotomy: in the end, you start wondering about values, even if "goodness" and "honesty" still win in the end.

So human, all in all...

*Bear hugs everyone*

I know why I love you all, guys !!

^__________^

More to come when I ahve more than 5 minutes of time on my hands

take care all.

Inuchan~

the problem with insomnia is that it makes you envision troubles far more bigger than they actually are...

anyway....i am now seriously thinking about how i gonna continue being a moderator, without firefox at work, and no permanent access to the internet anymore (my job being on hiatus, i really don't know about the future of my cyberlife, to be honest).

i am still around 2 days later forums: the people there are friends, my cyberdaifamily, and i simply cannot let them down.

daiforum was, is and always will be my true home though. should it disappear (virus and hacking troubles still being unresolved), i do not see myself starting anew, getting 14 000+ posts in another place.

more than a post average, it is the vivid testimony of about 2,( years of being active inside a community. with good and bad moments. i won't say it will be my last forum -- i am around others, with the same username -- but it will never be the same again.

i always said that i woudl never leave the forum, unless i am banned. i guess life's irony makes me stay away from it, against my will : with no FF at work, and no net at night, i really don't see how i could be there anymore.

i feel helpless, like i never felt before. because i am a total noob as far as tech aspects are concerned. i claim everywhere that i would die for this place, but the place itself is dying, and without me to hold its hand.

somehow, i knew it has to end one day..i have a family to have, a fiance to be with, a life, well, another side of my life to live. i would never have imagined it wold end that way.

at first, it was a way to talk to people that shared the same passion(s) than me. it soon became more than that. it is the reason, the explanation of the woman i have become now. the person that is talking to you, from behing the nickname, has been partly shaped thanks to this forum. and to the people she could talk to. and sometimes love. and sometimes, fight with. all of them made the little girl grow up, unafraid of her differences. still now, i sometimes have to suffer from loving Asia, its music, its culture, its people. not every person is as open-minded as the persons i could meet in daiforum. some will argue that it is easier to get on well, to accept other's ppl point of view through a computer screens. those who have witness my "fights" with some members knows it is not true. you laugh as well, you hurt as well, in the end, than in "real" life".

i know that i am repeating again, and again, maybe in other words, things i have said already.

i guess that the perspective of losing my job soon makes me realize more acutely about the end of things. it is like i have deliberately ignored from the very beginning that daiforum could ever disappear. it is like realising it now fully, at midnight, tired and nagged by insomnia.

it's been a while i haven't been so opened about myself. it's been a while i haven't hidden the sadness in me behing my almost legendary cheerfullness. somehow, that's what you become, a legend, lol. people hate you or appreciate you, but you do not let anybody indifferent. until people forget about you, and create new legends.

and the most amazing is that some people stay around, always, even though their own busy lives and crap makes them shine far away. you watch them evolve from far apart, and you smile at yourself, witnessing the long road they have walked on.

people like Dai's Apprentice, who is, like everybody knows, my dear fiance, the love of my life. of our story i won't say nothing more, i hope everyone understand i want to keep those things private.. ^^

Stovila , to begin with, his wallpapers and sense of humour, a person without whom i would never have become inuchan

Ken-sama, his neverending cheerfulness, popularity, and loyalty. never have i seen him act against his principle, or denigrate anyone

Rumble Fish and our love/hate posting.....

there is also FOBulous, whose writing amazes me day after day. a friend, a real one. someone that never betrays, and knows how to truely help the ppl in deep troubles. someone that never betrayed me, too.

or Mojo Shivers, who was there to pick me up when i was feeling lost, and had me grow up, even though he doesn't know it. a kind heart hidden by a wonderful writer. a mentor, and my best enemy ever.

Unwanted Fan, who i still wish to meet one day.

My sweet Mima and my dearest Ange Kaorin, Anna too, who i miss dearly, and so many other people...

i don't know exactly why i am writing all this. maybe i just felt like empty my heart, without causing anyone troubles. i chose to tell it all here, half anonymously, in the hope someone will take the time to read, and maybe react. i could have chosen to write it all in the secrecy of my pen and paper diary. but every blogger knows that it is feedback we are looking for.

i do not have the heart to give a title to it all. it is no farewell, no confession, no outcry of sadness...i mean, i am sad, i even brushed a few tears away, but it feel more like a last chapter to a book that will never be finished anyway...

i am genuinely sad, and all the pop/rock of Japan couldn't make me feel better.

- Ranma 1/2
- Card Captor Sakura
- Inuyasha
- Saishuu Heiki Kanojo
- Fruits Basket
- Nana
- Love Hina
- Monster
- 20th Century Boys
- Chobits
- GTO
* * *
- Ranma 1/2
- Inuyasha
- Lain
- Hellsing
- Cowboy Bebop
- Love Hina
- Mysterious Cities of Gold

Boobs and complicated thoughts

Instead of buying that dream phone (Samsung E530, in pink, cost: 300 euros)I have been drooling over for months, I think I gonna indulge myself into manga reading instead: GTO is really cracking me up, and all I need now (aside of a good Nookie with my honey ^^), is to laugh out all the crappy situation I put myself in.

Two weeks ago, I got the funny surprise of being scolded at by my GP. She bluntly told me that I was reaaaaaaaaly too complicated, and that some of her patients, that had in average only TWO (she emphazised the "two") neurones, would be able to get on better, and certainly in a less stressful manner that I did. She then handed me a medical certification, putting me at rest for two weeks.

I nearly fell off my chair, but was glad she did.

This, I cannot hide: I AM COMPLICATED A GIRL. Really complicated. Ever met someone afraid to go shopping in her favourite shop, while she manages to win an argument class training, in front of a 100 freshmen? That's me! Afraid of wearing skirts, while she does not hesitate to get into a big word battle with her boss? That's me, baby !! Afraid to drive a car, but flying to Manila the first time she takes a plane? That's me again!!!!

As far as I can go back in time, I see myself as a complicated child, too. Loving books, while her dad and mom do not read anything, but newspapers, playing "imaginary buddies" games instead of loving Barbies, playing a "i will save the whole fantasy world" while her girl friends play mommy with their dolls...

And so on, and so forth.

To tell you the truth, I never felt like I was fitting in the small portion of earth where I was born. When asked at ten, whet I'll do ten years after, I couldn't imagine what I'd be as a grown-up. And the funniest thing for the last: first time I had to wear a bra (I was 11 ) I didn't go "OMG I am a big girl now!!" Nooooooooo Sir !! What I thought was "Gezz, how am I supposed to play Shiryu (from Saint Seya, an anime featuring knights, long story...) if I have to wear a bra???????????

Laugh if you want, but it has been the biggest issue for months: I even started envy my girl friends whose breasts were still a joke, and used to fool around my house wearing no bra. (Until I realised that running bra-less HURTS A LOT, unless you're a guy, or a Acup girl...)

As a result, and at 28 year old and a half, I still look like a shy teenager, who buys manga while her fellow woman rush into the make-up shop next door...

But enough fan service now, back to the complicated topic:

I also met my fiance at the other side of the world: but I ask you seriously...Is it my fault if I never met anyone around my place, that understands me like he does? Or simply fell in love for good? Huh? huh? All the girls watch silly stuff like "Dawson's creek", Dallas, or whatever soap, fell for the incredible situations the heroines put themselves in, but should it happen for R-E-A-L to the girl next door, aka my, then it becomes a "complicated story"?

*no comment*

Had I chosen to marry the guy next door, just for the sake of not being a Virgin anymore, having a big car and a big house, and a lot of bills and debts to pay, would I be considered as "not complex"?

I think that some people finds it easier to call "complex" a situation that is "out of norms". Because of a logic they cannot grab, they like better break the monster's ideas instead of try and understand...It is okay though. I do not pretend having the true meaning of life. I got a lot of friends who are married and with childs, and I respect them as valiant women. And I do not say that my situation is simple: the difference is, I am ready to fight for it.

You see, there is always a solution, and it comes in the most unexpected way....The little girl , ashamed of her (rather big) breast , and her pale skin, has now found someone to match with her own particularities. Instead of calling it a complex situation, I call it "limpid".

;)

i got fired yesterday, but decided to face it all with a happy smile. got to work all the three month's notice however, the boss didn't/could'nt/wouldn't pay us the fees.

whatever.

i treat my parents to seafood restaurant yesterday, then we all when thrift shopping. i eased my news of the day with lots of Anais Nin journal. boy do i feel better !

now to listen to Maria Callas' Norma, while reading Soul Mountain by Gao Xinjian.

yet another thrift shop treasure.



nota bene: the French version (which I am reading, btw ;) )

Boxes

Been cleaning my room, and sorting my personal small belongings...you know all those small items you keep for ages, for many [sometimes forgotten] reasons...

here is the result, in pictures:


Kenzo box, with personal belongings


Kenzo box, details


Chinese box, with Monmon's letters


Chinese box, details


Iridonia's box, with the small belongings I am giving away


Iridonia's box, details


Letters box, with mails dating back from 15 years ago


Letters box, details


Carton box, with kawaii blings from the Philippines


Carton box, details

Diary's excerpts

(...)I feel like I am holding a burden too heaving for me. Wouldn't be the love and support of my fiance, family and close friends, I sincerely don't know how I could manage to hold on like I do. Putting that everlasting smile whenever you pass across my self. Being that ethereal person, cheerful smile and pearl-white skin.(...)

(...)Oddly enough, I do not feel "depressed" stricto sensu. No dark ideas, no suicidal tendencies, I wake up every morning with the rage to fight off my problems one by one. The fatigue got me, however, at the most crucial time. (...)

(...)I feel that my writing is not as concise or logically bound together as it used to. I feel it. I hope that it will help me, as a therapy does. (...)

(...)I still need to find the way to get past that temporary weakness. I need to get myself together. So far, I only found the writing as a way out -- that, and the mutual feelings my fiance and I both share -- I know my writing sux, but it is okay. I have no other pretention to feel better, and thru that, to be there for the persons who helped me out, or would might need me...

exhaustion

my body gave up at the post unexpected moment. better off taht way, i cannot endure the headaches and sleepless night, weird eating pattern and the general feeling of helplessness...

The Smile of Svetlana

Tatyana's Letter to Onegin

  ``I write to you -- no more confession
  is needed, nothing's left to tell.
  I know it's now in your discretion
  with scorn to make my world a hell.

  ``But, if you've kept some faint impression
  of pity for my wretched state,
  you'll never leave me to my fate.
  At first I thought it out of season
  to speak; believe me: of my shame
  you'd not so much as know the name,
  if I'd possessed the slightest reason
  to hope that even once a week
  I might have seen you, heard you speak
  on visits to us, and in greeting
  I might have said a word, and then
  thought, day and night, and thought again
  about one thing, till our next meeting.
  But you're not sociable, they say:
  you find the country godforsaken;
  though we... don't shine in any way,
  our joy in you is warmly taken.

     Why did you visit us, but why?
    Lost in our backwoods habitation
    I'd not have known you, therefore I
    would have been spared this laceration.
    In time, who knows, the agitation
    of inexperience would have passed,
    I would have found a friend, another,
    and in the role of virtuous mother
    and faithful wife I'd have been cast.



From "Eugene Onegin" - ch XXXI -
A.S. Pushkin

Back in University, I always had that habit to arrive in the morning, smiling.

Not that I was particularly happy to see the good ole brain factory every day God blessed me with, and certainly not some of the teachers around, but I would have better cut my tongue off than admit I was as stressed, as fed up, in two words, as insecure than my fellow students.

Not that I was particularly above material things and troubles. I was just a lambda student, but with a particularity. I absolutely refused to let my life die away under sudies's trivia. There was more to life than this, and our few free times were sacred to me. It meant opening a window to let fresh air in, and welcome dreams and fantasy. And read a lot, too. And sometimes write. It meant forgetting about being desperately alone, with no boyfriend to welcome me at night, It meant forgetting about the lack of "ambitions" that suit greedy students so well.

The more I was feeling out of place, the more I put on a happy face. The more people thought I was maybe a bit strange, to take everything that easy, I sure was someone special, maybe not from Earth.

They wondered how come I could smile that way, and started to envy my smile. Or taking me for a fool, depending on their moods, or the grin I was offering them.

How wrong they were. No magic was involved I swaer, nor any funny pills or meds. I was your regular glasses girl. Nothing to do with that blonde one, going out with the cutest guy in a place (actually a jerk that greeted me only when I was wearing a tailored skirt, you get the picture). I was so plain and so average, that some teacher deliberately ignored my mother, when she came to assist to the graduation, obviously saluting mothers whose kids were in the highest ranking graduees of our promotion... Until my Russian teacher came along. She took my mother by the arm, as if she had know her since childhood telling her how pleased she was to meet her. How worried she was about me and my health sometimes, and how hard I was working (this, at least for her classes, was absolutely true..)

I think of it all, I will never forget the smile my teacher had. I can still remember her cheerful tone, and her light, oh so light accent.

Svetlana Sergueevna Vogeleer was more than a teacher to me. She was my worst enemy too. A woman of steel handling people with velvet fingers, always rightgeous, never mean. We all feared to dissapoint her, more than getting bad marks. I remember one day, she asked me to take over the whole Interpretation lesson on my own, explaining to Russian guests what was the legal system in Belgian like. I was not the best student ever, but she had chosen me. And although I was scared at a point of trembling after the class, my smile had never faltered. Instead, it had become my ultimate weapon when I stuttered on Russian words, apologising in a cheeful grin. "Proctite, Svetlana Sergueevna, Mojete li vy menya pomojet?"

Somehow she is the one who learned me how to smile that way. Even if back then, I couldn't really understand it. She is the one who learned me to never give up, and always honour a work. To face responsibilities, no matter how hard it might be. I remember my freshman year, when, knowing that I had failed all along, I had attended the Oral Russian examination nonetheless, putting all my heart and soul into the poems we were to learn. At my delight, I picked up the hardest one, the Pushkin one:

"I kvam pichu: tchevo je voljet? Chto ia magy yechyo ckazat?...."
(I write to you, no more confession's needed, nothing's left to tell....)

Those are some of the most famous lines by Pushkin on his "Evgueni Onegin", and I am certain both her and I were enjoying the double meaning in the words. I was the best, and and I could see in her eyes she was sincerely proud of me. "You really are Tatiana, aren't you?" She told me, her everlasting smile beaming at me.

I could feel that, beyond the class material a teacher has taught a student well, she could sense so many more emotions: the respect, the happiness to work together, a somewhat feeling of understanding that Russian "Dycha" (or the soul) she was talking about so well. Not forgetting the sense of humour and self derision (I actually failed the freshman year. There was, indeed, nothing more to say....^_~)

I could see it all in her only smile. I could see it all in the sparkles of her eyes.


Ten years have passed since that poem day. The smiles stays in my mind forever. And when life gets really hard on me, I wish I could remember that smile forever.

There is still hope for Daiforum !!

Okay, only a small one, but still:

Mav' is now trying to savete database, and transfer it to ....hmmmm i guess another location. Let's all crosses fingers, this is , everyone that care for our second home.


Gosh I feel hopeful again !!!! ^__________________^

Reading List

I do not feel good , physically speaking. I am tired, edgy, and fatigued. Best remedies so far, is some hot tea and a good book, or two. Currently on my bedside table, some Murakami's:


What would you do if you were abandoned in a coin locker, and survived? Some goes to prison while others become rock stars.


Talking cats and ghosts in love, amongst books, forest, phylosophy wrapped around an old tune, that's how the magic operates in this story.

The end at thirteen.

When I stop pesting around, I come to think that maybe this is me who has changed, and maybe so much that there is no more common point between the one I was a year ago. Maybe not entirely, but some things that makes me , in a way, more certain about myself, thus less in search of certainties around other people's.

Not that I say that I do not need people anymore, far from it. But I am maybe less inclined to be in phase with their stories, since now I have my own to fill in, since now I must be there and take decision, and live life, the real one that hurts.

I had an argument today with the person that have been my mentor from September 2004 to December 2004. Somehow I knew that such a clash would occur, the only thing uncertain was the reason why.

I know, now that I thought about it for the past few hours, that the reason why I cannot comment anymore about his works, aside from the mere linguistic one, is because I am less enclined to unveil myself. No lack of interest involved, simply, a shift, a slow drift, and I think that this time, it is irreversible.

If I have to search excuses, I won't find any, nor will I apologize. I broke myself the faint link, and somehow it is better I think. Turning a page that was meant to never be, and certainly not tie this person with foolish anger or explanations. As for my pride, I know it will forget about it soon enough.

Sometimes growing up means breaking up, but it is okay, as long as I don't make anyone suffer from it. And on the latter, I have serious doubts still,...

I leave things be, and stop at chapter 13, of a story I will never know the end of.

La Petite Madeleine de Proust

I CANNOT BELIEVE ITTTTTTTT !!

All the soundracks of the anime, TV series and cartoons of my childhood, are here, in streaming...You are looking for X-files, Hercule Poirot, NAvarrothe Visitors, Jayce, Chapi-chapo, les botes, les mondes engloutis, Thundercats, Zora la rousse, Téléhat, Capitaine Flam, Gundam, Rurouni Kenshin, Lain, Bleach, or One Piece?


They're all at www.coucoucircus.org, gotta check it out !!!

Smiling inside at all the shit happening at work.

It is so ridiculous anyway that no one would ever believe what is happening inside.



Tell me about universal offences, when no one gives a damn to the daily ones.

Strip-tease

Long discussion last night with Papa, and all the crap happening at the office. I needed his experience, his wise advice, and most of all, listen to his voice, always shy, when he picks on the phone. His way to say that he cares for me. My nearly to tears, not because I cannot find a solution, but because in this case, there is no other but to shut the fcuk up and wait. Excruciating.

Morning glory and the remains of a dream. I see my loved one, strange places, quiet feelings. I want him I need him, every morning under the sun and rain.

Blog browsing, and the realization that the world is a small small place. She the Girlfriend of Thunder God studies at a few minutes from my job. Hello, Kitty-Kat’ !

Photoshopping along, but I cannot find no inspiration. Filters after filters, the images change, but it is no artwork. It is pre-conceived effects, to give everyone the feeling of being “part of it”. I do not belong to it. I wish I could use real pencils and ink, on real paper, but then again, I am too lazy to learn on that field.

Writing about something but what? Something I know about that’s for certain. Not writing for making money, I do not care of fame [anymore]. Realizing that your link has disappear from someone’s blog. Gives a weird feeling, and tells me I got more self-consciousness than I want to admit. Am I mad or angry? I think not. Will I erase to link to this blog too? I won’t.

Hungry. And at the same time, not in the mood to eat much. I am craving for junk food, but I chose yoghurt instead. My body fights again stress by snacking on junk food, and I command it to leave that bad habit. I miss the taste of chocolate though, and the feeling of completion it gives. Not that I am fat, I never been. But as in my emotions, I like to take control of my self. I need let go on emotions though. Wild animal me, I should have taken a wolf instead of a Koinu.

Taking off my clothes one by one. This is how I feel when I write that way. Maybe that’s what I can do best , all in all. Fiction is not for me, but translating reality with a glint of fiction, I think I can do it.