My Worst Enemy is Myself

There and Back Again

2012-02-01T15:07:00.001+01:00

It seems I changed my mind, and decided to revive this blog after all...

For what purpose I do not know yet. First I wanted to get rid of all those old posts, but since no one ever read those pages anymore, I thought why not keep it a little longer?

Facebook can be a nice tool, but it makes people lazy. You spend more time socializing and liking, fast commenting and lurking, rather that get back to your old self and run fingers on the Ole Keyboard.Here goes then, the first entry of year 2012.

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!

=^_^=

Inu World

2010-10-24T10:55:00.011+02:00

I thought it was about time to update this little piece of blog. Not that I have sensational things to say, or that I am back into blogging (Facebook got me all spoilt, you know?), but the url is still mine, and I do not feel like taking all those memories down.

This said, I don't like the new templates much, I don't feel like spending hours tweaking the code, so this pretty neutral background will do for now :). Too bad I forgot to save my previous code, Blogger erased it when upgrading the template. Mea maxima culpa of course, but some links are lost for goods I am afraid.

Time to turn the page anyway.

So here we go, welcome to my own take at reality....

Sandra H.

My Makeup Things

2009-09-08T08:45:00.020+02:00

§ High End §

Chanel Quads:
- beiges velours
- sparkling satins

Chanel Lippies:
- Aqualumière/ Bali
- Aqualumière/ Waikiki
- Rouge Allure/ Nude

Dior Quads:
- moonray
- golds
- sky glow
- tropical light
- electric lights
- pink may

Dior highlighters:
- amber diamond
- pop diamond

Dior foundation:
- diorskin nude

Dior Lippies:
- addict highshine catwalk mauve #680
- addict highshine sensation coral
- addict highshine pink attitude
- addict highshine champagne blush

Estée Lauder Signature Lippie:
- vintage mauve #18
- tender mauve #17

Estée Lauder nail polish:
-

Shiseido nail polish:
-

Guerlain Quad:
- Divinora quad Touche de Brun 241

Guerlain Lippie:
- plus que jamais rose #160

Innoxa eyeshadows:
- vanille

T. LeClerc loose powder:
- banane
- nacré
- lilium
- orchidée
- chair rosée (sample)
- ocre rosé (sample)
- parme (sample)

La Mer:
- moisturizing cream (sample)

§ Drugstores §

Bourjois blushes:
-lune d'or #35
-rose d'or #34
-lilas d'or #33

Bourjois eyeshadows suivez mon regard:
- beige sunshine #25
- bleu insolite
- illuminateur

Bourjois mascara:
- volume glamour

Bourjois FDT:
-comme après 10H de sommeil #73

Bourjois Powder:
- beige clair # 71 pressed powder
- champagne (?) loose powder

Gemey-Maybelline mascara:
- le colossal

Gemey-Maybelline:
- Terre Indienne teint clair

Gemey-Maybelline lippies: colour sensational
- sweet pink #132
- galactic mauve #240
- magic mauve #245
- pleasure me red #547
- precious beige #605

Gemey-Maybelline Water Shine lippie
- mauve diamons #110/225

NIVEA:
- Nivea Crème classic

NIVEA concealer
- concealer stick (Nude 008)

NIVEA nail polish

NIVEA lippies : colour passion
- satinette #14

L'Oreal Lippies:
- rose idylle #721(Colour Riche Star Secret Eva Longoria)
- noemie plum #701 (Colour Riche Star Secret Noémie Lenoir)
- Dune # 240 (colour riche Made for Me/Brunettes)

Rimmel pressed powder:
- peach glow #003

Yves Rocher/ Luminelle rouge glossy:
- parme scintillant
- framboise givrée

CoverGirl:
- nail polish
- pressed powder

§ Good find §

Essence makeup line:
- overall highlighter
- concealer
- 4 lipglosses
- 5 mini lip glosses
- 6 lippies
- 1 duo eye shadows
- 1 quattro eye shadows
- about 10 nail polishes

Catrice makeup line:
- some nail polishes
- 2 quads eyeshadows
- 4 mono eyeshadows
- 2 blushes

§ Philippines §

- Nichido blush in peach
- Kokuryu foundation pressed powder
- NIVEA whitening day cream
- Maybelline pressed powder (Asian skin)

§ Discontinued §

Dior:
-

Chanel:
-

Addiction

2009-06-22T12:41:00.003+02:00

TWiT, with Leo Laporte and Friends! :)

TWiT Netcast Network

Links update

2009-06-11T10:32:00.001+02:00

Added a few nice URLs check them out!

Happily enjoying my new iPod, and the gazillion of new Podcasts : Munchcast (go Leo!), DiggReel, Rad Show, Scam School, Cnet, Buzz out loud... simply great and enterntaining

Also added some nice ladies blog, about beauty, beauty and beauty :) Please welcome Christine, Jojoba and FuzKittie to the newly added links :)

Chinese portrait

2008-12-23T15:11:00.002+01:00

On to the survey:

where is your cell phone? Which one hehe? The violet on is in my bag, as for the two other, must hide somewhere in our lounge ^^
where is your significant other? home, preparing the marinade for our meal tonight
hair color? gold-brown (natural)
your mother? is the coolest mom on Earth
your father? the man of my ife, aside of my hubby
your favorite thing? my PSP cfw (chuuuuut )
your dream last night? can't remember
your dream/goal? just be happy with hubby :) priceless...
the room you're in? office
your hobby? reading/playing/cooking
your fear? being alone in a place i don't know. mold.
where do you want to be in 6 years? JAPAN !
where were you last night? sa bahay
what you're not? envious.greedy.patient.
one of your wish list items? Dior iridescent 5-colour eyeshadow.. why do they have to be THAT attractive?
where you grew up? small provincial town that i hate
the last thing you did? posted a letter. a real paper and stamp letter lol
what are you wearing? black pants, black turtleneck, bright fluffy blue cardigan
your tv? an ooooooooooooooooold Philips portable. 15 years old. not even HDMI compatible ha!
your pet? none. i miss my cat though
your computer? Acer
your mood? serene ~_^
missing someone? yes hihi hubby, family, and friends
your car? n/a
something you're not wearing? skirt
favorite store? CAMi, Waterstone's, Lush, Fully booked
your summer? haven't seen the sun much hehe
love someone? guilty!
your favorite color? purple!
when is the last time you laughed? about an hour ago? =D
last time you cried? *secret*
are you a b*tch? i could be...
favorite position? #1 haha
favorite past time? read
are you a hater or a lover? love the love, hate the hate
are you genuine or fake? no plastic surgery, it is :)
any vices? yep! i am evil haha
pro life or wire hanger? huh?
mccain or obama? no idea, i hate politics
pro plastic or natural? natural
dream job? writer

2008-06-28T13:56:00.001+02:00

I surround myself by things, because I trust them more than people. I am unable to trust acquaintances, in fact, I am too afraid that they may betray me, as it often happened.

Or maybe I am such a bad friend I am unable to keep anyone near me?

I just don't want to suffer anymore...

It's a Pon Pon World

2008-04-09T19:48:00.005+02:00

Reports from the Patapon War Fronts...

Dodonga lev.6
Majidonga lev.5
Zaknel lv.4
Dokaknel lv.3

now trying to sneak Zigotons' catapult away, so that i can break their castles at Mt. Bachikoi.

I need more kibapons hehe ^^

Who could have imagined that such a basic 4/4 rhythm based PSP game would be THAT entertaining? :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Traveling back and forth every morning and night makes me travel into the people's lives, or -- more accurately -- into some details I sometimes wish I wouldn't hear... a world where urban decays walks side by side with some of the nicest smiles, some of the best of every stolen moments, about a curious bird making the day of Grandma sitting next to me, or knowing about Gordon's Fantastic Adventures in the Cellar, or his rescue from Evil Garage (said Gordon being a fluffy ball of red hair and cat attitudes).. It's traveling from downtown city ("hey, so you lived far away from here? like, say, 'round Namur and the like? Cuz see, hey, that's FAR away yeah?"), to Africa or even Faraway Asia... its seeing the bag of my dreams, or getting my attention caught by an English accent... its, in the end, traveling in slow-motion, far from the IC rapid trains, full of sleepy workers and serious papers. It's feeling the tracks rattling down the engine, actually seeing landscape unraveling through the window aside, accomplishing an 8 times night/day cycle, when the 35 years old lights grow dimmer in tunnels...

It's like daydreaming reality.

modern wizardry

2008-03-19T22:26:00.002+01:00

What amazes me most, is that it feels like magic, while it's nothing but logic...

don't lose hope :)

2008-03-18T21:10:00.006+01:00

<*happy>

to think that one month ago, the 18 number had brought nothing but bad news...delays at the embassy, and yet another "no"... one month later, our files are being processed, and there is a new beginning :)

don't lose hope, never ...

***

like this little late snow this noon : it's fresh and unexpected ...

No sky
no earth - but still
snowflakes fall

[Hashin]

<*/happy>

now it's up to me to do the best

Idol Talk

2008-02-13T17:33:00.004+01:00

This was the first anime song I ever fell in love with... I still can remember, it was featured on a cheap CD produced by AB prod', and it was the first time I could access Real Genuine Original Version Anime Pop Music =)

The song is composed by Kanno Yoko, one of my all-time favourite Japanese composer... her sense of music, of language invented (such as in Idol Talk), her jazzy, airy, dreamy songs, made me fall in love in that music in no time :)... sung by one of my favourite Japanese singer, Arai Akino...

enjoy !

Idol Talk
composer: Kanno Yoko
Voice : Arai Akino

sigh

2008-01-23T16:32:00.000+01:00

If only you could blog again :(

I miss your intelligence and your way of writing... Some are as good I know, but they seem copycat to me....

S., you gave me the will for blogging, and I thank you for this :)

Loco Roco

2008-01-02T17:54:00.001+01:00

pacchonbo- mo-inoinoi chakaretapatton pankorakettonto-n
no-ra churere-rotton poraporapetton pu-rorattantan
pappu-ra mo-inoinoi chakaretapatton pankorakettonto-n
o-ra poruketthi-no poporattantanso-
kokoreccho pie-nto-ra ma-nima-ni ungarafoccha-ra de-ra
totora-pethiton totora-pothiton senekiniko-se-pon
kokoreccho pie-nto-ra ma-nima-ni ungarafoccha-ra de-ra
totora-pethiton totora-mathisi-po-n

==about the PSP==

-locoroco platinum : i got lucky finding a legit copy at a supermarket. jumped on the occasion, anyway, we could still sold it away later. locoroco 2 will be out in january here, and patapon is announced as the next big PSP hit =D (yes, your wifey is learning about gaming yay ! )

-firmware: impossible to know, since the boxes are sealed, and they need to charge the PSP, they boot it, then check the status , with the firmware options. i seen there are possibilities of updates/upgrades (legit) from the PSP official site. as far as i know, they might have released 3.80 already.

-warranty : the biggest problem : japanmanufactured consoles are not supported by Sony Europe. biggest problem then is : getting a console that would not work here... problem with chargers too, and some spare pieces that are different too. It is one year warranty, given by Sony Europe.

-value pack: there are none at the moment, and the one wih the 4G memstick is out of stock. question: do i need a memstick? or is internal memory enough for saving game progression? i forgot to ask the retailer about that :)

-memory sticks : still thinking about where to get the best for the cheapest =D

-the retailer here : owns a game shop, knows his stuff. it is a franchise store, pretty much up-to-date. sounds more reliable than mass market stores.

-available colours : piano black or silver or white. no pink (it was the PSP fat). special spiderman pack (dark red and black + game +umd movie), or simpson pack (simpson yellow + game). i'd go for the black. // i seen a lovely JApanese violet one...

-should I : buy a 4G mem card yet?

-last but not least: the PSP and locoroco is the first combo that really makes me wanna play :D this, and GBA hihihi. gosh, i need to empty my mind by rolling singing blobs !

My two cents...

2007-12-28T21:15:00.001+01:00

I haven't been writing since forever, and receiving a little message saying "thank you for your writing" is maybe the best surprise I could dream about :)

The way I write.... I think there is no surprise, no magic trick, no secret. I write about things I know, or that touches me... In what I write, there is always me, of course. I think you have to be at least a bit narcissist to write. Behind the writing, which is a liberating act per se, there is the secret hope, or the open hope, to be read, to be acknowledged, and, to be loved.

If, by our writing, we can go as far as touching people, and bringing them a little piece of smile, then, even better :)

I wrote this little nothing for two reason : 1° I love writing about a fictional me, and her real husband. 2) I wanted to thank elder for his Christmas tale, that was maybe the biggest forum surprise I ever had. I should have said, reason 1) and reason 1), there is no hierarchy between those two reasons.

I seen that little story in my mind, I am happy to have written it the way I felt it.

Doc... I just read your PM, and I disconnected... I am sorry about that, but I feel like I owe you an explanation... I don't know how to react to such mark of gratitude and friendship, I just do not have the words myself... If I hide behind inuchan's words, then it becomes easier, maybe it's the shyness still in me, I do not know...

Take care always, Doc, my friend.... If one day you read these words, know that you are a person I highly appreciate the advice of, and the personality :) I never got the chance to meet you, but you are part of those real people that makes me want to be a better person :)

Sis, you rule :)

mahal kita, kahit magkalayo kayo ^^

happysad

2007-12-15T17:31:00.001+01:00

from an Imessenger discussion:

ichiban:"we cannot say we are happy or sad. true happiness is hindered by our daily worries, and true sadness does not befall us : i cannot say i am sad when i have the man of my life near me, and a happy life, by world's standard"
ichiban: "i am fine, i am tired, i am less happy, or a bit sad"
ichiban: "but i am never in a state i call desperate. i leave that to real people in need, or drama queens. not for me, sorry"
ichiban: hehe
ichiban: ym:P

work-in-progress...

2007-12-11T20:31:00.000+01:00

Maybe I better erase it all.... I cannot finish this... *siiiiiiiigh*

Hate me
(Wednesday, 1 »th march, 2007 /***’s status)

-Why don’t you just go away and hate me ?

His words had taken her aback with such violence she could feel Goosebumps slowly creeping down her spine. Even the hot coffee couldn’t completely ease the feeling of guilt she now felt. How did it all come to that situation, how had they fallen so far apart each other?

She swallowed her tears, as well as her pride. A little voice inside her was whispering she couldn’t save the whole universe, easing the misery and sorrows of each sad soul. He was special to her allright. But was she special in any way to him?

The coffee felt warm and bitter to the mouth. A bit like life at times. Not a honey-sweetened herbal tea, just a black, strong thing you had to swallow entirely. She smiled. Even now she felt the urge to make a whole story out of it. She was helpless, wasn’t she?

What was no fiction though, was the literally desperate look in his eyes. Just a flicker, buried deep down under the hatred, the loathed feelings. Was it towards her only? Or did he aimed all those feelings toward him?

She couldn’t say, she admitted. Knowing him for too little time, not even sure what she would do would help.

- OK. I’ll do that. Remember I am still around if you need me.

She then had left. Fighting against the urge of turning back, watching him go away, or maybe hoping for him watching her. She had reached the next Starbucks in what seemed like ages. When she turned away, the crowd had swallowed him up entirely.

Where had he gone, she couldn’t tell. Maybe going back home. Or walking around, maybe he was near. She poured some milk in the coffee, soothing both taste and warmth. Near the cup (caffe latte, yes just that, please), her cellphone. No call. No texts. She sighed, and took one more sip.

Maybe it was really life like. Getting bitter, and angry, but finally we all know the anger would recede. Until the next surge of course, but it wasn’t a permanent state, was it? She smiled, and finished the sweet, almost cold beverage. She frowned a bit. She definitely didn’t like sugar in her caffe, latte or not.

Marie Digby

2007-12-07T12:15:00.001+01:00

A friend of mine sent me those young singer/songwriter's covers of "Umbrella" and "Gimme more"...

It's Bluffing !

The young lady is half Japanese/half Irish, learns her songs by heart (no tabs!), and is preparing an upcoming album :)

All the best to you Marie, you are really talented !!!

her homepage : http://www.myspace.com/mariedigby

To:Hubby, Ainne, Andrew, Che, Chris, Jhuly, Jon, Lay, Miki, Seng, Shine, Tammy, Tin, Chas, Shaun, Shoe.....

2007-11-18T15:22:00.000+01:00

MyHotComments

MyHotComments

MyHotComments

The Golden Compass

2007-11-10T09:07:00.000+01:00

There & Back Again

2007-11-05T18:21:00.000+01:00

Visit our new blog about
the Lord of the Rings,
and Tolkien's works !!!

http://elidra.blogspot.com/

^*^

SONGBIRD !!!!!

2007-10-29T13:08:00.001+01:00

to my friend Tammy :)

2007-10-27T10:01:00.000+02:00

"Each friend represents
a world in us,
a world possibly not born
until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting
that a new world is born."

- Anais Nin

nothing much to say...

2007-10-26T11:00:00.001+02:00

...nothing much to say today...
...more to read more to love...
...and a world or two to conquer...

Maligayang Kaarawan Jhuly !!!!!!!!!

2007-10-23T13:02:00.000+02:00

Here is the blog of a faraway, but good friend :)

Check it out !!!!!

http://stamp-collections.blogspot.com/

http://freedom-wall.blogspot.com/

Recording Session 01-02 September 2007

2007-09-04T11:40:00.000+02:00

Good friends
Good food
Great fun !

Eye to Eye

2007-08-16T21:57:00.000+02:00

"I come to you and you see me whole", he says."You love me all the way around the equator and not just for some story I wrote. When your door closes and the world's outside, we're eye to eye"

Stephen King (Lisey's story)

Eye Candy

2007-08-14T18:34:00.000+02:00

I started reading Lisey last night :)

I just want to go home

2007-08-12T13:57:00.000+02:00

I feel stressed about tomorrow and afraid of any possible failure (again). All I want is going back home, but it is 10,000 km from here.

So far and I feel so lonely I could cry.

But I am a big girl, and big girls don’t cry.

Little things that make me wonder

2007-08-11T16:09:00.000+02:00

Reading a post today about how men and women are different, I came to the appalling conclusion that, I am a man inside… Go figure: I hate shopping for clothes, hate restrooms gathering, hate commercials on TV, have my CDs sorted out by alphabetical order and – horrendous – I hate above all girly-girly gathering where all we do is chatting and saying bad things about other people.
For that last part, I can manage all by myself, thank you.

I also read somewhere that women are better for the language (ok), and that men write less? Errr…. Excuse me? Ever heard about Emile Zola, Marcel Proust or Honoré de Balzac??? Now those men could write, and pretty well, on top of that !

I am somewhat TIRED of all those little clichés everyone agrees with, with a little giggle, and checking if , yes , they do belong… I don’t belong, that’s clear, or maybe at times I do… But I refuse to trap myself inside a cage of ideas, as golden and shiny as they are ^^

Men and women are different of course, and Thank God they are. Because I guess that after 50 years of marriage (yes I am straight and pro-wedding and proud of it =p), their difference make they still have things to share together ;)

Okay, more girl-serious-matters now…where did I put my cellphone(s)?

Geek

2007-08-10T22:13:00.000+02:00

50% Geek

Fear of darkness

2007-08-09T20:17:00.000+02:00

yet another short story by yours truly...

Fear of darkness.
(Sunday 11st , March, 2007 feeling sad and missing you)

Inuchan could feel the cold hands slowly closing around her throat.

Please don’t let him kill me, please don’t let him kill me…

She could feel the deep breathing, and the smell of dirt and rotten things, the kind of what you can smell in old cemeteries…She gathered all her strengths and screamed at the top of her lungs, screamed again and again, feeling warm tears rushing down her cheek, wetting the hands of her opponent (but was he real anyway), screaming until she could awaken Death itself…

Inuchan stood up in a start. Out of breath, a mute scream on her lips. Sweating. In the silence of their room. No one but darkness… She struggled with the sheets, felt for her throat….nothing more than her own hands feeling the skin. Nothing, well almost nothing…. Thin silver streaks of hair, locked in what seemed tears….She hastily brushed them away, hoping for the sensation of oppression to go away too.

It was just a dream, silly, just a DREAM.

She calmed down a bit, before groping for his body… There it was still sound asleep. She reached for his arm, smooth and warm. Please Mon, wake up….The silent prayer, the will to wake him up, but not doing it on purpose…Please do not let me all alone, not now, I feel too weak in the middle of the night…. She panicked. Tears were about to well out again. She stood up, grasping for the bed cover. Wrapping it around her shaking body, she groped her way out of the room. She needed some air, or at least a glass of water.

Inuchan made a halt in the bathroom first. The neon light made her head hurt a bit more, bluntly showing her ravaged face, the remains of tears and the messy, silvery hair. She faintly smiled. This is what you get for being an immortal. Not a single wrinkle, but silver hair permanently. Nothing to worry about really.. No need for day creams, I should be the luckiest Han… err girl in the world… She opened the tap, and let the cold water flow in her hands. Pale, slender hands, that had killed much more than embraced. Hands that were at least at peace, for a while. She washed her face with the cold liquid, and it made the fever of her cheeks go away for a while. Still, the haunted look in her golden eyes. The man was still there, hidden in her brain, his strong hands lurking for her throat…. She choked a bit. Felt a reeking sensation in the middle of her stomach and ran for the toilet bowl.

Get up, sissy. Only weaklings get to puke because of the fear…

Inuchan startled.

Fear? Me? NO WAY !!!

She flushed, then stood up, carefully avoiding the mirror. Cold water again, this time in a glass. Long, silent gulps of icy liquid. Just a dream, and nothing else. This water was real, nothing else. Those neon lights were real, nothing else.

Now the best thing to do would be going back to bed, before Mon woke up. He had a funny way of sensing if anything was wrong. He could snore at heart’s content, spread over the bed like a cute and powerful wizard he was, but the tiniest strange noise would wake him up in no time. Inuchan sighed. The room meant the comfort of his body….but also the possible coming back of the dream (Was it just a dream anyway?).

She picked the bed cover up, wrapped herself inside,

This is your Coat of Arm, you Mighty Warrior…

and switched out the lights. I dare you walking down that hall up to the kitchen, and don’t dare switching on the light of that hall, you are not a kid anymore. And besides Han…Err though girls aren’t afraid of darkness.

She thus walked, repeating at each steps that “darkness was just the absence of light”.

Mon please wake up now, and hold me tight, and make me giggles like you always do….

Kitchen.
Empty, silent, no monsters, even in the cupboards.
No big deal, really.
She opened the glass window-door, leading up to the balcony of their apartment. From there, she could see the shimmering lights of the city. A city that never slept. She gazed at the tiny orange spots, her ears twitching at a distant engine roar. The digital clock near the door flashed 3h23 am in green numbers. Morning had never seemed so far away….. She shivered, and closed the door. Silence again.

Inuchan’s senses were all awoken though. She could have sworn she had felt a presence. Not him, please not that man. A worried voice was pleading in the deepest of her heart. She felt the urge to curl up under the table, and hide under that bed spread, yes, that was the best thing to do. And if she closed her eyes tight enough the darkness would vanish. The switch was too far away for her to reach it anyway. Mon, I am begging you please wake up, please call me up, please.

Footsteps in the hall.
She crouched near the table, trembling.

Then a flooding of light, setting the kitchen to what it was: a kitchen, and herself to who she was : a girl crouching on the cold tiles of an innocent kitchen.

-Honey? What are you doing on the floor? Asked a bemused, though slightly worried Mon.

She stood up, letting go of the bed spread. Instant relief had replaced the insane terror. The next thing she knew she was in her arms.

-But what…

-Nothing, she whispered. Nothing. It was just a bad dream.

His arms around her shaking body that shook no more, her face buried deep in his chest, now the whole world could stumble, she wouldn’t care a single bit. I am ok now, please bring me back to bed.

-You had a bad dream again?

A nod.

-You feel better now?

Another nod.

-Want me to make a baby to you on the kitchen table?

Inuchan giggled. Raised up her head for the first time, and met his puzzled, but loving gaze. His smile, followed by a kiss.

She grinned.

-Chiche?

sickness

2007-08-09T10:17:00.000+02:00

i am sick
sick
sick

because of the weather

silly rain

washing my strenghts away...... ah the soft realm of a bed....

Nathalie

2007-08-07T21:18:00.000+02:00

There is a picture I’d really wanna find back. There are three girls on this picture, two of them standing near a wooden table, facing the camera, and a third one perched on a wooden stool, her head is slightly down, her hair pouring down on her shoulders. Of the blonde girl standing next to me, I have no news since a good 12 years… Of the girl perched on the stool, I just waved her goodbye tonight.

At age 8, the three of us were best buddies ever, almost soul mates. The little blonde one, Sophie, never got on well with the little Brunette, Nathalie, and yours truly was often caught in between. But all in all, when get along well, the way kids do.We had the same dreams, the same fantasy running wild, and the three of us loved unicorns. The stories we created, then lived, made us famous and got us the reputation of “special girls “ (this is the kind rendition). We were gonna marry brothers, and live in twin houses, nothing could separate us, never.

Then life separated us.

As it often does.

I kept contacts with Nathalie the Brunette, however, and despite our lives now so different, I must say that she never, ever forgot me. Never. Up to this day, when she came along and gave my folks and I an invitation for her wedding next September.

She appeared in a simple way, in the courtyard. I was reading a book, perched in a stone, and it took me a while to remember her. Shame, I know. The young lady I had seen a year ago had now grown her hair a bit. How could I forgot her green eyes, I still cannot understand. She said hello, and suddenly all the memories were back at once. It was as if I had seen her about yesterday. So far, yet so close. So close, yet so far.

I feel stupid sometimes, for not being able of linking the people that matter to me, of assuming too fast they forget me, when it’s not. Trust more, and worry less. Because, after worries are gone, all that is left is nothing but void. Friendship is too precious, too fragile to be swept away like this.

I’ll be there on September 15th, and its gonna be Her Day, and I’ll be there to celebrate. I hope I can atone myself for all those years when I lost the contact, for all those years wasted by my fault. She came to me like the friend she has always been, honest and sincere. She shared all my childhood secrets, from saint seya to ghosts stories, from drawings to building treehouses, never judging. She was the brains and I was the happy follower, jumping along her stories like a twin mind. Hey, we even looked alike when kids.

I’ll be the fantasy elf, still dreaming of unicorns, attending the wedding of a princess, radiant in her white gown and castle upon the hill.

Be blessed always, Nathalie 

testing new template

2007-08-07T13:44:00.000+02:00

Guess I was fed up with all this black and all this gloom....

say Hello to Hobbes, and to Calvin, down the page ;)

Grima Lowe Cathedral

2007-07-29T17:37:00.000+02:00

something of a short story I wrote a while ago....

Grima Lowe Cathedral

The shock had been so strong that Serra had fallen with a thud in the cold stone pavement. How long did the fall last, she could not say. Was it days, hours, or only minutes? Her brain refused to tell, either. For all she knew, she was alive, and it seemed like a miracle. Her head dizzied by pain, she remained on her back, one of her wing lying askew on the floor. She extended her right arm, and her fingertips brushed past cold metal. The steel of her Blade, her faithful companion… But would she need it again? Around her, there was only silence, the one that announces defeat, she knew. But it was an eerie silence, too, and somehow she would have preferred an explosion of screams, or the Earth opening under her body… Anything but that silence…
She opened her eyes at last, and she repressed a cry of awe. Hundreds of colors were dancing in the space, sunshine streaming through unseen veils, making dust glow like golden sparks, and in the distance she could make out figures of ancient gods and demons….She blinked once or twice, then consciousness slowly drifted back. The battle without mercy and her foolish thinking about beating a Legendary Angel…trampled she got, yes, and with panache… Akroma hadn’t even hesitated once, she could even see her little smile before she attacked. “Fool, surrender now, you know you cannot do anything against me…”. Serra had said no, it was too late, she had to try and beat the odds. Then, there had been a tremendous shock, oh yes, and a noise like shattering glasses. Then…
She moves her right arm again, trying to at least sit down. A searing pain in her left shoulder pinned her back to the ground. Broken wing so it seemed. What a miracle to be still alive… But all in all, what was this strange place? Was it the antechamber of Hell already? She carefully tried to sit down again, grabbing the hilt of her sword and using it like a clutch. This done, she checked herself for any more damage. Glass shards had cut her skin in many places, but it seemed that her falling backward had prevented more severe wounds. Her Blade was broken, her Shield lost, as for her battle suit, it had suffered a lot too…
Her vision clearing up a bit, she then took a better look around her, and what she saw left her puzzled. The place looked like a room, but of dimensions she had never seen before. The arched ceiling was towering a good hundred meters above, sustained by slender pillars. Broken splinters were coming from what seemed like benches, all aligned from bottom to end, all looking in the same direction, facing a cross where a man suffered in silence. The walls were decorated with what looked like huge windows, made of millions and millions of colored glass, and Serra took another look at the images painted over there…Was it the places some humans went to praise their God? As she raised her head, she noticed a wide patch of light, right up above. The window she had crashed in, when landing here, she mused. It was nothing but a hole now, through which sunshine was flowing in.

“I guess angels are feminine then?”

Serra jumped up at the voice. Impossible. There was life in here? She squinted her eyes and made out the small figure of a man, sitting in the nearest , unbroken bench.

“You can say I am”, Serra smiled. “But now I look more like a fallen demon than anything angel, or even female”.

The man cautiously approached, but she couldn’t sense any fear or hatred, neither compassion nor sympathy, just a positive, inquisitive attitude. She relaxed a bit, but kept the hilt of her Blade not too far away. It felt useless though, the weapon having an funny fading, transparent aspect. The man stood up and approached her.

“Are you the resident evil of this place?”, she asked.

This time, the man smiled back this. “I am a priest”, he said. “Welcome to the Grima Lowe Catedral. Some may say I am a devil, but I never harmed anyone so far… May I ask you how you came crashing inside the House of my Lord?”

He stretched out a hand and Serra grabbed it, painfully standing up. The broken Blade felt with a soft thud, before vanishing completely…Soon, all her suit vanished, leaving only her white robes and cloak. And her wings, one of which now hung painfully, getting her off balance. She smiled tentatively, as the realization slowly made her way to her mind. Not only Akroma had trampled and beaten her down, but she had kicked her off the Magic World. She had landed in this human place, where people still believe in angels. How ironic, she thought, I am not even certain I am what they call angels anyway.

“Can your Lord offering some shelter to a fallen angel for a while then?” She asked.” Just the time for my wing to heal?”

The priest smiled again. “I think He wouldn’t mind”. He gently helped her toward the door.

As their steps echoed in the huge walls of the Cathedral, Serra could have sworn she had heard a faint music. Not entirely heavenly, not exactly human, it seemed to bathe the whole place with peace of mind... Even the shattered glass seemed to vanish, the wooden benches to mend, the hole-window filling again with images and legends, as if worked by magic…

Even her wing seemed to heal, as she and the priest made their way to the huge entrance door. Maybe, outside, a new beginning was waiting for her. Where there wouldn’t be no Akroma and no fights anymore.

Could this be the Heaven of Angels?

By Ichiban, 21st, June, 2007

Penelope Jolicoeur

2007-07-24T13:09:00.001+02:00

The Wheel of Time

2007-07-09T20:25:00.000+02:00

Twice and Twice shall he be marked
Twice to live and twice to die
Once the Heron to set his Path
Twice the Heron to name him true
Once the Dragon for remembrance lost
Twice the Dragon for the price he must pay

LOL

2007-07-07T10:25:00.001+02:00

seems like i am still alive and that this place is not dead yet....

am i still willing to blog? i wonder...

have a nice day everyone!

Insomnia

2007-02-21T16:17:00.000+01:00

I am a paranoid, insomniac, stressaholic person.

If you drop at my place by night, you will certainly find me into deep reading by moonlight, sipping a cup of warm cinnamon tea, or wondering in the darkness about possible and terrifying evil plan set against my person by Fate itself than happy sleeping, cuddled under the blankets with a baby-like smile on my face?

I plead guilty, I am a bad sleeper to the bones.

It all may have started by a fair night of summer, when grasshoppers were far more common around my house than concrete or houses. I lived days of bliss after days of bliss, and night of reading after night of reading. I was a child, maybe 8 years old, and had no other worries than living day after day. Night and its peaceful darkness were like a comfortable chair I enjoyed to cuddles in, with a lamp torch as faithful companion. Came a day when I decided to assist to a “white night” as we say in French. That’s what you call insomnia in my place. I never seen white sky of course, maybe one or two stars, before giving up, exhausted, around midnight.

Teenagers day came too fast. We moved from countryside to suburbia. Hopefully music appeared and soothed that clumsiness in me. Hopefully again, books hadn’t deserted, on the contrary, they started invade my territory, one by one. One night I decided not to sleep at all. This was going to be my particularity. From The-girl-who-wears-ugly-glasses, I was going to be The-girl-who-never-sleeps-more-than-6 hours. I was a scorched poet, my soul was filled with Poe’s and Baudelaire’s paradises. I could swear I sensed their distress more than anyone else, and without Absynth. A last, I could control a part of my life, well, my night. No one could ever take that away from me, never.

It went ok until college days. I was top ranking in every single classes but mathematics (they never agreed on my theories that’s why). But college…The love of darkness turned into the hatred of the alarm clock. I used to give up, exhausted, at 3 am, to wake up 4 hours later even more tired than the previous days. I was a zombie, and as soon as night was falling upon the city which now provided my nights with tramways clattering instead of silence. Orange lights were burning my windows, and I started at their neverending shadows with ghostly eyes. Night had betrayed me, and for the first time I had to take medicine against its powers.

Came working days. And a better sleep, due to cold and physical exhaustion. Then came illness, which transformed even day into sleepy times.

Worst was yet to arrive. It roughly started around October, to be at its highest in February. My life at a standstill was gonna change, dragging old habits into new ones, leaving old friends and meeting new ones. I dreaded rejection, a feeling of loneliness despite being bathed in love 24/24h by my fiancé. Insomnia had became synonym of emotional stress, countless questions about would-I-fit-in and what-do-they-think, and too many tears alike. Learning to let go again. Becoming the little child always smiling in the pictures, who could have become friends with a marble statue and have it laugh if she wanted to. Where has that little girl gone to? As I take potions after potions to ease the beating of my heart, and the panic crises that got me down about once or twice, I wish she could hold my hand again, and soothe all my fears away.
I wish she could transform the nightmares into peaceful dreams again.

So that insomnia becomes nothing but a memory….

2 years !

2007-01-29T18:07:00.000+01:00

HAPPY 2 YEARS ANNIVERSARY
TO US MAHAL KO !!!!!!!!

Mahal kita
I love you
Je t'aime
Aishiteru yo !

2007-01-15T17:47:00.000+01:00

I miss my friends so much, i miss my loved one so much...and it hurts so much....

I even miss the new ones , how I'd wish to be closer, a bit more part of their world... It's hard staying stranded here, with no one around...

So let's complain a bit here, there is so much sadness in me right now I have to let it go away a bit...
So don't blame me for the tears that are falling now... It gonna pass I know... tomorrow is another day so they say...

please God help me be strong....

Wanted !!!

2007-01-07T21:12:00.000+01:00

The way it all begun ^*^

2007-01-06T18:09:00.001+01:00

From there...

January, 07, 2005

Inuchan

where are all the Stovinu threads gone.....

DAI's Apprentice
maybe deleted :dunno: you miss him?

Inuchan
nope some still exist in the kitkatjam..
kinda... it was always a challenge, because he knew how to outsmart me...

DAI's Apprentice
i see... so the hanyou can be outsmarted :rolling:

Inuchan
wanna play? :grin:

DAI's Apprentice
anou... :eyesroll: nahh.. :wave:

Inuchan
:wiggle:

(thanks)

DAI's Apprentice
thanks :confused: for what? :grin:

Inuchan
i am not in a playing mood, today... :eyesroll:

DAI's Apprentice
hmm... dun worry i won't , never

Inuchan
honto ni?

DAI's Apprentice
well yeah... unless you want to? :dunno:

(later)

DAI's Apprentice
btw isn't french the language of love and flirting? :naughty:

Inuchan
that's what they say.... :grin: want me to teach you? ^______^

DAI's Apprentice
sure... onegai :bowdown: :bunlove:

Inuchan
what do you want to know? :grin:

DAI's Apprentice
errr... something like... "your eyes are beautiful" or "Your smile makes my day" :bigthumb:

Inuchan
let's go:
your eyes are beautiful: tes yeux sont magnifiques
your smile makes my day: ton sourire illumine ma journee (hmm...i took some liberty in the translation in here "your smile brightens my day" )
hee, ready to pimpin' around? :wink:

DAI's Apprentice

*takes note* :bunlove:
haha i agree on your translation... "makes my day" sounded a bit too... pimpy :rolling:
how about...
would you go out with me?
I love you, [name]... would you marry me?
no... pimpin's not my game... i'm just a harmless guy ya know :happy:

Inuchan
you smooth talker.... :wink:
aaaaaaanyway....
French talk, part 2
would you go out with me : "tu voudrais sortir avec moi ?" (this one is pretty familiar...what about "pourrait-on se revoir" (could we meet again), granted that it's not with an intention of staring at each other )
i love you(...) would you marry me : Je t'aime (....) Veux-tu m'épouser? (more assertive in French, but the asking is the same)
:wave:

DAI's Apprentice
hold on... let me absorb those you posted inu, kinda hard pronouncin for me :eyesroll: :buncry:

Je t'aime (....) Veux-tu m'épouser? :bunlove: coool :bunlove:

Inuchan
@Apprentice: :bunpom:

DAI's Apprentice
I'm doing good, ne? :bunpom:
Je t'aime .... Veux-tu m'épouser? Je t'aime!!! Veux-tu m'épouser!? Je t'aime??? Veux-tu m'épouser!!!111 :bigthumb:

Inuchan
:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
---where's the "stop" button? :rolling:

(later)

Btw, Apprentice...
How's the pronunciation job's doin'? :bigthumb:

DAI's Apprentice
terrible :buncry: Maybe I'm too asian for French language :buncry:

Inuchan
nani yo?
won't you teach me some Filipino (or whatever the accurate name is :blush: ), then? so that we'll be even? :bunspark:

DAI's Apprentice
Filipino Language is very easy to learn coz it doesn't have much pronounciations it's kinda like katakana and hiragana e.g. Bahala, halata, mahal, katorpehan, hiya, etc... :bigthumb:
still... i shall have the French tongue... maybe probably by French kiss? :rolling:

Inuchan
French kiss eh? that old joke again :rolling: :rolling:
does it resemble to Indonesian language?
can you teach me some? :bunspark:

DAI's Apprentice
Hmmm... yeah... what would you like? :bigthumb:
I LOVE YOU = MAHAL KITA <---Just pronounce like Katakana except for the "L" e.g. ma-, ha-, ki-,ta- :bigthumb:

Inuchan

:bunlove:
"maha' kita" no deshou?
so everything pronounce as in Japanese, but for the "L" sound that is never spoken?
what about:
i'm hungry (^ ^)
hello/goodbye
nice to meet you

DAI's Apprentice
ahaha no, what i meant was in Japanese when they say "Hat" it's pronounced as "hat-o" coz they don't have a single "T" whereas in Filipino language is quite similar to the way we pronounce english such as "Reprisal" is to "Mahal" :bigthumb:
I'm hungry := nagugutum(present tense of feeling hungry) ako(me)
Hello := (well, there's no direct translation or formal greeting here such as konnichiwa so anything from hi to hello will do)
Goodbye := Paalam(farewell)
Nice to meet you := Kinagagalak(being glad) kitang(the person you're talking to) makilala (to meet)
:bigthumb:

Inuchan
O.o
wow sounds completely new for me. Interests me a LOT !!! And how do you call that language? Filipino?
Is it the main language?
(erhm....could you record it for me? so that I get that "L" thingy right? Onegai? :bunspark: )
"kinagagalak kitang makilala", eh? reminds me of "selamat datang", in Bahasa Indonesia... but yours is far more complicated....^ ^

DAI's Apprentice
yes very similar to Indonesian language. Well it's called Filipino/Tagalog(which is the old fashioned version which i hate also coz it's difficult to grasp )
yeah gonna record for you :bigthumb:
Well it isn't entirely the main language here... usually it's a mixture of both Filipino and English. In the corporate world here, English is the medium as with other countries as it is the world's standard language. But of course among friends we speak Filipino with a bit of English or the other way around. :bigthumb:
wanna play? :naughty: hehe kidding :grin

Inuchan
yay! :bunlove: i can record some French, if you want, for the pronunciation? ^ ^
i see... and is filipino your mothertongue, or both english and filipino?
wait 'till i grab some filipino textbook, and i'm your partner! :naughty: :rolling: (but for saying "hi", i won't be of no use, lol)

DAI's Apprentice
hai! do that! :bunpom: record! :bunpom:

"After Dark" by Murakami Haruki

2007-01-06T17:17:00.000+01:00

To all of you Murakami lovers, rejoice !!! His new novel, "After Dark", will be available this May on Amazon.com...

And for those luckily speaking French, you can already get it from Amazon.fr, its title being "LE Passage de la nuit".

Isn't life wonderful?

French edition here

English edition there

and a picture of the French cover ^^

Counting Sheep

2007-01-05T15:07:00.000+01:00

“We can, if we so choose, wander aimlessly over the continent of the arbitrary. Rootless as some winged seeds blown about on a serendipitous spring breeze.

Nonetheless, we can in the same breath deny that there is any such thing as coincidence. What’s done is done, what’s yet to be is clearly yet to be, and so on. In other words, sandwiched as we are between the “eerythign” that is behind us, and the “zero” that is beyond us, ours is a ephemeral existence in which there is neither coincidence nor possibility.

In actual practice, however, distinctions between the two interpretations amount to precious little. A state of affair (as with most face-offs between interpretations) not unlike calling the same food by two different names.”

Murakami Haruki, “A Wild sheep chase”

[Quoted by ...]

2007-01-03T18:37:00.000+01:00

"Every blog is useless"

maybe but it feels so good reading...

Eh?

2007-01-01T18:24:00.000+01:00

1) Why was 2006 a good year ? i am lucky having a family, and someone who loves me. Laugh it away if you want, but it is reall important to me.

2) What was the best moment this year ? my three weeks at Monmon's place *0*

3) The worst ? hmmmm....end of february, and october/november, even worse

4) Where were you, when 2006 began ? at home

5) With whom ? folks and friends

6) Where will you be next year ? you tell me

7) With whom ? i wannabe with him

8) will you have good resolutions for 2007 ? be a better person. a more positive one, too.

9) Have you followed your last year's good resolutions? Nope , since i didn't take any for 2006

10) Did you fall in love this year ? not this year but in the end of 2004, yes

11)If yes, who is he ? Monmon

12) Does he know it ? lol yes

13) Regrets ? lol no

14) And him ? hihi nope

15) Did you break up with someone this year ? no

16) Did you make new friends this year ? .... i guess?i hope...

17) who is your new best friend ? no "new best one".

18) what's your favorite month ? June. and June

19) Did you travel oversea this year ? yes dear !

20) How many countries ? three : the Philippines, France, and Germany

21) Did you lose something this year ? my job

22) Did you lose someone this year ? i felt like i had lost my best friend. she married this year, and don't get me wrong i am happy for her. but it was hard not feeling sad. i miss her, you see?

23) Best movie in 2006 ? The Myth, and Mon' knows why!

24) favorite song this year ? "Iris" amongst others, but this one has the strongest memories tied up with. and Saint Seya too ^_~

25) Which was your favorite Cd in 2006 ? Barbie Almalbis, Nina, Paolo Santos...

26) How many concerts have you been ? none. And i missed Bamboo's.

27) What was your favorite concert ? n/a

28) Did you drink a lot of alcoohol this year ? no

29) any drugs ? no

30) Slept how many times at someone else's house ? three weeks at Monmon's house. A few days in France and at Clairobsc's

31) Did you do something you're ashamed of, this year ? well, yes always. silly things i wish i never said...to my folks, to my loved ones... the usual bickering that ruin a good day...

33) Did you tell lies ? i lie to myself

34) Did you do something bad to someone this year ? i cried at my best friend's wedding. it was to be her best day in her life and i ruined it all by crying. i will never forget myself.

35) Did someone did something bad to you this year ? errr no i don't think so?you would tell me if you'd know right? right?

36) How much did you spend this year ? next question please? but definitely not enough on my loved ones.

37) What's the moment you're the most proud of? when i see a happy look in my folk's eyes. Or in my beloved's ones.

38) What was the most embarassing moment? Hmm i cannot tell you here. =p

39) If you could turn back time, what would you change ? Nothing. I never have regrets, I try to live on with the lesson i get from it all. Hey, no one said it was easy....

40) What's your plan for 2007 ? Get a job. And build a family. That I really want....

2007-01-01T15:21:00.000+01:00

We don’t belong to ourselves. All what we got is love for each other, sharing feelings, and be happy for the ones we love. All what we are, all what we posess, big cars, huge bank accounts, will get lost when we die. All what we keep is the image of a man who died for humanity, and even if this would be just a nice story, it is still worth believing. Hatred leads to hatred, selfishness leads to the drying out of the heart. There are things we do not accept in our self-centered life, but want it or not, we do not belong to anyone, not even ourselves. We can love people, and be loved in return. Be faithful and honest, and always fair to the one we love. If we demand respect, we have to give it back in return. And if we don’t, there is no point in claiming we are better than others. And accept what life got for us, and find our way out of it.

Happy new year.

PeAcE.

Funny facts

2006-12-31T13:36:00.000+01:00

What after two years of intermittent blogging here?

I read more than I write. Or comment. I wish I could be a professionnal reader sometimes.

No kidding.

I feel more at ease talking truely about myself on a forum, or here, than in real life. I still like better listen to other people's stories.

It prevents people from asking questions I am not willing to answer.

The reason I am disclosing (parts of) my life to strangers over the internet is still mysterious. I thought first I was a writer. Two years and a half of writer's block lead me to think better of it. Maybe the very reason is that I can complain and whine away without bothering anyone. As for the people chosing to comment, it means they really care. Up to me to answer. Or not. I think it is a fair solution. And no one really knows where truth ends, where fiction begins.

And it prevents me from thinking and brewing too many dark thoughts.

See ya all in 2007 !

Les Bienveillantes

2006-12-30T12:01:00.000+01:00

Okay...

I started to read that monster of a Goncourt prize...I knew it was gonna talk about war, about a nazi's confessions, so nothing to do with Harry Potter fighting the evil wizard Tom Jedusor...

Guess it is toooo tooo early to give something of an opinion, let's say I like the fact that this book really have you wondering about what you believe in. Especially the innuendos about "don't blame me, were you at my place, you would have done the same".

Guess everyone around here, even I, would say NO WAY !! But I also remember a well known experiment, the Milgram one.

I hope I can finish the book, and see what the author's purpose was meant to be.

* * *

Reading a post by a fellow blogger I have a bad feeling... Don't tell me it is C ~~or G~~ who closed ~~their~~ his blog?

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

2006-12-28T11:09:00.000+01:00

Or the title-to-be of the last Harry Potter book !!

more infos here

Christmas loot

2006-12-26T10:52:00.000+01:00

Murakami Haruki : "Hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world"
Murakami Haruki: " Dance dance dance"
Murakami Haruki :" Blind willow, sleeping woman"

2006-12-23T11:43:00.001+01:00

I missed the job again...

Ah...well...

but there are anther perspective so wait and see !!... ^*^

2006-12-22T15:42:00.000+01:00

The weather is fairly damp, and the city looks a bit sad, but hey it's almost Christmas, and everyone should be happy happy... Ah maybe the people at FNAC shop do not react alike, to them 15 minute's queing that's far too much, even if they hold what could be someone's favourite Christmas present. I take a book out my bag, and start reading, pacing slowly toward the cashier. I got three Murakami's for Xmas, but I am supersticious and do not wanna open them before Santa's officially visited my place.

There is too much people around for me too feel allright though, but it's ok, I cope with it. I slither amongst the crowd in St Catherine's palce, I like it better last year anyway... Everything, even the new light show on the Grand Place feels like déjà vu, maybe i'd like better more Santa's and less void.

Blogger upgrade !!

2006-12-20T09:08:00.000+01:00

Finally switched to the old beta-blogger, which is now Blogger, and which promises lots of improvements.

aha, show me what you got, baby!

*edit*

===NEW HOMEPAGE===

click the smiley below hehe !!

aouch aouch aouch

2006-12-18T12:23:00.000+01:00

wisdom teeth, or what I assume are wisdom teeth, hurts alot... so today's schedule is gonna be rest, rest, rest, and rest.

current infatuation: CSI Las Vegas

footage: "Grave danger" season 5, final
music: "Iris", by the Goo goo dolls
credits: CBS and Rhysenn@Youtube

16:37 PM

2006-12-15T16:37:00.000+01:00

I turn the TV on, hoping that its noise will make time pass faster....Of course it won't, well, not as fast as I'd want it to be. I am waiting for him, I feel like I am waiting forever. I don't want to talk, because I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am okay, I guess I am, I am healthy, I am cute, and I am in love...But I am worried too... I used to love solitude, make the best out of it. I used to write at least, not good or bad, just write, now it seems I am reading, always the same, waisting away days after days after nonsense. Would I be happier if my daily planner was oooooooozing out dates and parties? Would I be happier that way? I sing, it is all I can do. I feel like I never fit in, well, not now.

6 months.

There are a lot of things that annoys me, and that I cannot say aloud. The selfishness of some persons, persons I thought close to me. She is close still, but I do not want to tell her how I feel. How her making out in public makes me feel ill at ease, how her reproaches seem vain to me. I have the right to like other people too, throw a party on my own too.

My heart skips a beat everytime someone is connecting, but it is not yet the good nickname. So I stay invisible. And I wait for him to come back. Meanwhile, and when I am not brewing dark thoughts, I think about myself, modify my blog, delete some old ones, take good resolutions, stuffs like that... I wanna get the hell out of here, but at the same time I am afraid to be even more lonely. I want a place I could call our own, and not being dependent on anybody's will anymore. Having MY room, with MY furnitures, and not obeying home rules that are not MINE. I want a net connection, to me it is vital, even if some will say otherwise. I don't care. I want internet, full stop.

Writing. Since when have I been writing anything looking like a story? It's been in another life I think. Maybe I am better off reading. Having no author's pride. I hate it when some people talk about "their books", and are physically unable to write a sentence with some meaning inside. I know I can be a b!tch sometimes, but I am fed up licking everybody else's shoes. You write poorly dear, and despite your lot of characters, I can never get interested in what you say.... The only writer I personally know.... well I stopped talking to him for stupid reasons, and now I am stucked at chapter 13 forever. Maybe one day I'll swallow my pride, and ask him to keep on reading. I guess he never gonna reply. But I can tell you this man does have talent. Maybe you should take him as example. And learn English first.

2 weeks.

Ah those Xmas seasons, and new year too...I just don't like them now taht I am a grownup. Nothing ever comes my way, I wonder why I so want it to feel like "Christmas". With candles and songs and presents and all.... It brings nothing but stress, and I always end up alone upstairs, disappointed. Maybe tomorrow, we gonna decorate the Christmas tree...It is I guess, one of my favourite childhood memories. Christmas time, nice movies or cartoons, and the tree glowering gently in the dark lounge. The smell of firewood. Chestnuts on the stove. Printen, and sometimes, nice presents under the tree, near little Jesus. I do believe in Jesus. It's with religion I got a problem.

What I want to say today: never forget to say I love you to your loved once, because you can never tell if it will be the last time or not.

Maybe the biggest risk is trusting people. But when you do, life is so much easier.

1/3 no Junjou na kanjou

2006-12-14T15:27:00.000+01:00

1/3 no Junjou na Kanjou

Siam Shade IV-Zero
[Rurouni Kenshin] Ending Song
Ending Song

CHORUS 1
kowareru hodo aishitemo
sanbun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
I love you sae ienaideiru my heart............

nagakute nemureani yoru ga kimi e to omoi
sore wa koi na n desu to sasayaku yo
tomedonaku katari kakeru yureru todou wa
binetsu majiri no tameiki e to kawaru

give me smile and shiny days
kimi no smile de
itetsuku yoru no samusa mo good koraerareru

CHORUS 2
kowareru hodo aishitemo
san bun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
i love you sae ienaideiru my heart.........

mannatsu no ame no you ni
kawaita suhada
uruosu kimi no egao ga mabushikute

Give me smile and shiny days,
kyuu ni sumasanaide
donna ni konnan de nankan na kabe mo koeru kara

ChORUS 3
dore dake kimi wo aishitara
kono omoi todoku no darou
mitsumerareru to ienai
kotoba ga chuu ni mau
***
hanarereba hanareru hodo
itoshii hito da to kizuku
motomereba motomeru hodo ni
setsunai kyori wo kanjiteru my heart...

***SOLO***

Give me smile and shine days
Give me smile and nice days
moshi mo kono ude de kimi to dakishimeaeta nara

CHORUS 4
dore dake kimi wo aishitara
kono omoi todoku no darou
yume no naka de watashi ka ni
ieta hazu na no ni
***
kowareru hodo aishitemo
san bun no ichi mo tsutawaranai
junjou na kanjou wa karamawari
I love you sae ienaideiru My Heart...

My heart...

==========================================

CHORUS 1
Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

On the long, sleepless nights,
the images I send to you whisper "that is love".
continuously shaking speech that moves you to tears
changes into a slight fever mingled with a sigh

Give me a smile and shiny days,
by your smile
I can withstand the cold of a frozen night.

CHORUS 2
Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

Like rain in the middle of summer,
the dry, bareness moistens, your smile is bright.

Give me a smile and shiny days,
don't clear up so quickly!
Because we can overcome any wall that stands in our way.

CHORUS 3
Whoever you love,
these images will reach them, right?
Don't say you cannot find them,
your words are dancing in space.
***
The further apart you go,
the more it hurts the person you love
The more I chase them,
the more my heart feels the cruel distance

***SOLO***

Give me a smile and shiny days,
Give me a smile and nice days,
If only we could meet in an embrace...

CHORUS 4
Whoever you love,
these images will reach them, right?
If only you had said so in your dreams

Even if my love reaches the breaking point,
1/3 of it won't reach
My true feelings are just spinning on air,
my heart isn't even saying "I love you"

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

2006-12-13T11:21:00.000+01:00

at least virtually, because i don't think we gonna see actual snowflakes soon around here...

am still buried deep in the harry potter saga, in English this time... volume 5 already, and harry still fighting with his emo-teenage angst, and voldemort, too.

i want books, books, books for Christmas... those are the only available, rather cheap things i can decently ask Santa this year...if he could send me an all wrapped Monmon, or a one way ticket to the philippines, i'd take it too, more eagerly than all the books of the world.

and for your own pleasure, tidbits of Aachen Christmas market, Germany. Enjoy.

a magic eraser

2006-11-26T00:18:00.000+01:00

if i could get a magic eraser, i would use it at once. erase a bit of this day, between noon and dusk. i would have a chance to think back twice before saying stupid things. magic erasers do not exists, well, not in my world. so i will be reasonable. and say "never again", thinking about the meaning of the words this time.

the day has been stormy indeed, and in the garden too. the trees are now all naked, and winter really feels like coming. wonder if we'll get snow (i doubt). so as a real november girl, i stayed inside. i tried to read a bit but the eyes hurt too much. so i wrote a bit, but soon erased it all. meanwhile, nick stokes was trapped in his glass coffin, over and over again.

i am no good at expressing clearly how i feel, especially when i feel upset. i cuddle up behind my words, thinking people will guess the right meaning. of course it doesnt work. never hide behind words, for even if you can be seen from outer their edges, their meaning is nothing if you don't help a bit. you cannot see them, but they trap you nonetheless. like glass.

i think i gonna get a bit of sleep now. crying is useless, and nick stokes has been rescued from his glass prison by his friend. see, always trust your friends. do not hide away from them , the way i do too often. i can be saved from my glass box too. by someone who is more than a friend, and who means the world to me, and beyond. he doesn't use lenient words or false ones. he tells me the truth. and it helps.

the storms always end, and the strong winds always end up in gentle breezes. i have a whole night's sleep to get better. i won't make huge promises i cannot keep. i will just say i want to be me.

Daily Mood

2006-11-23T17:30:00.000+01:00

Trying to write myself out there, before I start crying again... Why is it so, why are girls genetically programmed to cry a river whenever they feel upset...

I guess that's how I feel now... I guess once again, I reached that point of lucidity, when I see myself all in black and white, instead of technicolors.

I miss Monmon more than ever, and no one's around me, not even my friends can understand that. They keep asking me how do I feel, and I don't dare answering that I am not okay... I don't like all the Xmas stuffs going out, because once again, I will be alone here. No party, no presents, no nothing but me trying to smile and be happy and contented with what I got.

I wanna try and give happiness then, instead of craving for it... At least making people happy around me, I think I owe then that ...

I sing too. To heel to those who gonna believe I am getting too proud, or that I am too influenced by the Star Academy bullshit, for I sing goddam good, so says the comments that El-g reports to me. I still cannot believe it, but gosh, does it feel good to have a positive opinion of one self.

Something else than the failure who is still unemployed, and ashamed to be so.

I write too, but that, I think is not allowed to me. Whearas my doctor is congratulating some friend of mine for self expression, all I get is a grumpy "well, do find yourself a job and stop complaining". How fair is that I wonder.... Not that I need feedback to know what my writing is worth of (average, i guess), but a fair treatment, and some consideration when I feel like eating a whole box of Prozac would be welcomed. or when I go and ask for help, when it all becomes so hard I cannot be strong by myself anymore....

I still fall from time to time, but the sadness parts get smaller and smaller...Somehow I am proud to see I can heal by myself..

And also..I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK. And I don't talk about seasonal chills or flu, bless me, no! I talk about that nasty thing that Hypothyroid is: not serious enough to have people getting it seriously (ill? cmon, you do not look ill, do you?), but which still get me exhausted after one miserable shopping afternoon. I also read somewhere that this kind of disease gets people a little depressed, bet this explains what...

And furthermore...I am trying like a fool to get better by myself. Without any meds, or pill, ot doctorlaughing at me. I try to get back some more sleep, some joy too ( I have a wonderful fiance, lovely parents, and a somewhat lucky life), trying to compare myself to real miserable people, that way I don't find any right to moan over my fate. I wish I could see my friends more often though. Got for a drink, even I hate drinking, or to the movies. Anything but my golden cage. But voilà, my best friend is on honeymoon, and you don't disturb people when they are happy, are you?

God bless I can see my honey everyday. You cannot tell how precious a few minutes are, when you are lucky enough to have your fiancé living near you, in the same country. So stopcomplaining about those "13 kilometers between him and I", and call it a long distance relationship, because I feel like yelling at you and your selfishness...

Thank you forum, either. People are there for you, or at least always will lend you an ear, no matter how busy they are... Sosme will argue it is easy, it's internet, you can switch off anytime you like...but you could also not log at all, and go download pron... No, those friends where there 3 years ago, and still are... And I respect them as much as I respect real people...

Time and again, I feel like I live in my own world... I see things differently, reacts differently... and I don't know if it is for good ot not...

I'm a barbie girl, in a magic world

2006-11-17T18:45:00.000+01:00

it's hard right now, but i got to make do.

dug out my barbie dolls today (a huge amount of three , two blondes, one brunette), amazing how their clothes are still princess-like.... seems that girls of my generation loved princess, now it's all bling-bling and california pimping around...sad...

i don't need expensive kimono dolls (limited edition, 250$), maybe i can sew (saw? argh, i can never remember that verb..) some by myself..keeping my hands busy also seems good, it gonna leave my mind at rest, hehe...

Honey !! I am your Keira Knightley !!

2006-11-09T13:59:00.000+01:00

Remember

2006-10-31T14:38:00.000+01:00

credits:

music and lyrics: El-G www.el-g.org
PV making of: Dai's Apprentice
Singing : Ichiban

good day

2006-10-22T12:58:00.000+02:00

There was no point at all to the three previous entries, so I deleted them.

I still have the same problem, I can't talk openly about the things that worry me. So I end up having all those worries packed in a corner of my mind, and when the tension is too big, I cry.

If I had to say what I think of me right now, all I see is a dependent, whiny bitch. In general, I can mask the way howI feel to everyone (at a point that everyone envy my cheerful-ness), my scarce friends who always see me smile, or my parents, to whom I say I am perfectly fine. The only person seeing hte truth is my fiancé, whose help is precious to me...Him only can make me smile, and get me stronger.... [There is just that thing with meals, I cannot eat up because I have gotten sick of greasy meats and untasty mashed potatoes. I miss fried rice, but since I am the only one eating it here, it's not always possible to cook...]

I do not believe anybody who would tell me "why don't you go see a psychologist, and explain how you feel"? All I want to say to those people (and I know they say that for my own good) is: never trust a psychologist. All what they do is search your inner thoughts, in order to prove that you have a problem. In the society we live in, no one is entitled to sadness, since it is seen as a failure. All that they see, and assume, is that such a person who cries must endure depression...

Now , give me a break. I perfectly know why I am in such a sad mood, and I do not need any of your pills, or advice. I miss my best friend first place, more than I had imagined. Thinking of her is enough to bring tears in my eyes, and I am afraid to tell her how I really feel, because I do not want to annoy her. I miss my fiance like crazy, and I do miss him even more than my best friend. I won't go into details here, because it belongs to us only....I miss having friends I could go out with, or a family I could visit. Loneliness, well I am used to it, but I don't know why, it is feeling heavier on my heart those days.

What are the solutions?

Well if I leave my rational brain take upon the emotional one (at last), the only solution I see is to be strong. And this, forgive me, physchologists, is a thing one has to find within. Never have I heard of pills that would give you more confidence, if it was so, you'd be all unemployed like me...

I had a serious talk last night with my fiancé, which help to point out more problems. My fear of people and lack of confidence. Come to think of it, those are both intertwined. Lack of confidence leads to a bad image of one self, and makes believe everyone is your enemy. The only thing I can't get clear yet is why I have become so afraid. I used to be the one who loved public talks and presentations, gosh I even sang onstage in front of my whole school (and you know how teens can be cynical to each other...) . What has broken up inside I wonder. I assume my past job is half responsible, even though I cannot pin out any detailed event, that might have cause the failure...

So what now?

I need to find a way out of all this bullshit (word chosen on purpose). I need to find something that would divert my mind from all its sad patterns...I need to stop worrying whenever my fiance is not near me...I tried to sing a bit, but there are so many songs, I feel so much pressure I am afraid I will never be able to sing them right. The writing seems a good thing too, but I cannot get myself to write on my own...Call me attention b!tch, but that's the way I feel....Like sending signals beyond the "I am ok, everything's ok" social varnish, in the hope someone would notice. In general, strangers see you in a totally different aspect, it helps putting yourself back together. Or read other's people problem too. It helps you see you are not the only one in trouble.

I'd like to take back drawing too. I know I said taht so many times (gomen, ne Asudef) that it is hard to believe I am serious about it. I'll try to improve my cooking too. When my hands are occupied, my mind is at rest.

There is of course the best solution: be together with my honey. Let's say that our situation takes more time and preparation than average, that's why I have to be stronger than normal too. As mahal ko says "when life gets you, kick back". Oh so true... ^*^

I am not sure this will help though. My blog is not what you can call attractive or popular, and my forums activities are far less open than , say, three years ago? In there, I feel like I am the one having to give good example, and help people if I can... Haha, looks like it is me in need now.

I feel quieter now, if not fully better. I stopped all my stupid things, and clingy ones. (Like sending 45 txt in 5 minutes, okay I exaggerate (sp?) but you get the meaning ^^) And also, never ever try to scratch yourself, thinking physical pain is better than emotional one. In the end, you'll look like a fool, and believe me it hurts, even a day after: old demons are sometimes ahrd to fight back, and they never forget how to break your defences. Do not cry too much either, it makes your eyes look puffy and ugly. No one wants to talk to a waterfall, it biases the conversation anyway. There is something blackmail-ish in crying oneself out, and too long.

This said, will I be able to follow the good pieces of advice I am giving? Well I do not have any choice. If I want to feel better, it is now or never.

... --- ...

2006-10-15T11:02:00.000+02:00

i feel so pathetic I am hesitating between bitch-slapping myself, or rolling over the floor crying.

None of those solutions being lady-like, let's opt for a daily rant no one will ever read, maybe that' a good thing.

I feel sad
I feel lonely
I feel like that crappy weekend will be a neverending missed rendezvous between my honey and I.
I feel like I am slowly sliding on sadness Inc. side of life, and I do not like this at all.
I feel like I am screaming and no one answers...

I can't even focus right to sing , which is a catastrophe, because work accumulates...
I even thought about resigning from daiforum...Amongst the supidest things I'd do in my life,
this one is top ranking: it would mean breaking the only link between I and real people I can
actually talk with...

Someone please help me, because I feel I cannot face it all alone.

...---...

low battery signal

2006-10-14T18:20:00.000+02:00

I don't know if some days are just meant to be crappy or if it is just the way how you look at them, but today was sure not as fun as it should be..

Today is the day when my phone decided, after 2 years and a half of faithful presence by my side, to act weird and pull some teenage angst syndrome. From "hey i do not wanna charge my battery correctly' to " see if i care sending your super important text", it's falling from Charybdes to Scylla at top speed, and I do not like this.

Maybe it overheard me, and knows I gonna trade it for Sony Ericsson... Anyways, I can promise anything, even keeping it despite of its fallen memory...Anything but please STAYS ON until november, I don't have money ready now.

I positively dislike myself (not hate, mind you, this is to vain a feeling) when I feel so abated... Seems like today the only thing keeping me alive and kicking was to see my honey tonight...Until I receive his message, sorry I'll be late home tonight.

I just broke down and cried. Cried like a spoilt child, I admit it, and begged him to please see me. I just broke down, and I cannot see any reasonable reasons. No lack of trust, no jealousy, just the infinite feeling of loneliness, and the vanity of the day passed. Like a part of my sky slowly fading to grey. Those are the only moments when I hate (and not dislike, mind you, the word is too weak) those miles between us. It's human nature I guess, weakness is inherent to mankind's mind.

It's human too, that sense of loneliness...

It is what makes me cherish every single bits together. Seeing him, hearing him. There are days when I could trade anything for his voice, his image frozen in my computer. There are days where I could fall in love with my cellphone, when it delivers sweet morning kisses, and a begging to please take care. There is in the end the fear to lose him, damn the traffic, typhoons, and so many other improbable catastrophe. There is also, in darkest hours, the panic of a life without him. That irrational dread freezing me on my tracks, it seldom happens hopefully...It's as if all the tensions of the days (no job, at home, no uy, no sex, no friends) were rushing down into one, dreadful thought, becoming that monster of panic inside...

I am far too edgy, far too stressed.

I'd better do something, quickly , to fight against it. My mind needs a rest, needs to retrieve its peace of mind and its strenght.

And I must find that strengh all alone. That's the only way. No one can teach you how to be strong, you have to get thru it alone.

So far, writing seems the only way out. Be it wild, or whiny or happy, I need getting that sorrow out of myself. Off myself. Away from me.

Maybe I should try and write those lyrics El-g needs.

So what about machines then? They keep the link alive, but cannot, in no way break it. Be it lack of battery, or inner failures. I am the one nurturing the link, making it alive. I am the love giver, and receiver.

*low battery signal*

2006-10-11T10:20:00.000+02:00

Pressure , pressure, how can I get away from you?

Wish I could blow a fuse sometimes, you know, going out with friends, and forget for a while life's pressure...

Generally I deal with it quite well, but there are days, like today, when I start doubting, and worrying about work/life/how to make things work... I feel like I am trapped in a neverending spiral of bad news, or is it just the way I am looking at it?

Anyhows, lets start by writing it off my chest, better than being moody all the time, everywhere...

Aja aja...FIGHTING !!!

To Claire

2006-10-10T22:25:00.000+02:00

So here I am, back from my best friend's wedding ^^

It sounds like a movie title, and the whole ceremony and party sure looked like one: a beautiful bride, a perfect scenery, and one of the maid, aka myself, feeling ill, you get just the right amount of romanticism you need, hehe ^^

To Claire:

I don't know if you gonna ever read this, but right now I cannot find the courage to write down to you: I miss you, more than I had imagined, I must confess it. I feel sorry for not having been able to hide my tears from you, I simply hope you will not be mad at me... Never had I seen a bride as beautiful as you, and by that, I mean that kind of serenity that accompanied you throughout the day.. The few times I could catch a glimpse of you was a portrait of a young lady I am proud to be a best friend of...My only regret is to have left, dare I say, fled from, the Honour Table... My emotions were so shattered I could barely speak.. I hope that, for that too, you won't be mad at me.

Now that I am back home, I cannot help feeling lonely...your happy presence, and your family left a void. I know that it is how life goes, but I miss them dearly too.

As I think about our ten years of friendship, I cannot help but remembering our days together, at ILMH, or at work... And every time, it is nothing but happy memories that comes to mind.. From laughters to serious discussions, troubles of our romantic hearts and silences too. I often wonder what person I would have been, what path I would have followed, hadn't you been around me. Amongst the many things you brought to me is the love for singing (the first thing that brought us closer, do you remember>?)a bit more holiness in life, and a new belief in God, a God I nearly lost so many times... In my turn, I guess I brought you the love for Japanese food and things (^^), and I guess a sense of sweet funny-ness, I don't know how to call it otherway..

You were the first person I ever told about my writing, and even if I never managed completing any stories, it was important to have you knowing it.

You also learned me how to be strong, giving yourself the example...As I now am trudging through hard times, I remember the days when life was unkind to you, and when you kept on going on, your faith unaltered. It is your example I follow, and I know that my stubborness makes the path even harder, but I promise I will do my best.

All right Claire, let me wish to both Philippe you all the happiness and true joy tha can exist here and beyond.. Never forget that there still be someone ready to sing "File la laine" or "Le pont Mirabeau" with you...

Those words, I wish I could have said them to you, instead of writing here...but you know me, talking is not my forte, especially when it comes to deep down serious things, such as friendship and more.

Take care, always.

Sunday, gloomy Sunday...

2006-09-17T17:43:00.000+02:00

Deleted about two entries today, I cannot stand the way I am whining away... the sadness is still there though, but now I can get a grip.

I feel like having missed my honey all day, the only cheering up being when he gets online. I felt like today was a day for nothing, lurking around the mute computer, not feeling a single will to chat on forums...Missing him, and friends, and Claire more than ever...

Have anyone (hellooooo, is there anyone reading around)ever felt that ? Being sad inside, lonely inside, dragging yourself from bed to chair, from chair to bed, then go to kitchen, raid fridge then pick no food at all, then back to chair and Coda?

I hate myself positively when I feel that way.

GTO

2006-09-11T09:29:00.000+02:00

Golly, Ichiban......

PLEASE STOP COMPLAINING THE WAY YOU DO !!!!

Be strong.
Peace...

2006-09-09T21:44:00.000+02:00

Who am I, to judge people the way I do?

I suffer and I miss my friends dearly, bu this is no reason to be unfair...of course not. I just hope life would be easier, and would stop taking friends away from me... What I'd give for a movie, then a drink with friends. What I'd give to bring a friend home, and talk away the night hours...

What I'd friggin give for that...

while listening to Miyavi...me, again

2006-09-08T23:50:00.000+02:00

harhar

Third post in about 5 hours, I guess we have a record here, Inu, aren't we?

Okay, I guess everyone around here have experienced Insomnia at least once your their lives. Be it a final, a driving exam or a first date (don't smile, I know you did ) I guess you are all familiar with that physical impossibility to give up to sleep. too much brain activity is bad for you, especially when it is about to say goodbye to sunny world outside...and to think that only 10% of your brain bugs you to no end includes some refine irony I am now savouring the taste of.

Besides all those jolly sentences, what's up with me, really? I swear I am not high on coffee, not tonight, and as for dark thoughts about death and suicide, I forgot all those about , hmm, 10 years ago? Okay, 8 years ago...

No, really?

I am not too sure, to tell you the truth. But I know that at night, all the little worries I can manage easily at daylight (nothing about "omg i forgot to buy milk today", more of "what with my job? when a new appartment? what about our visas, and our wedding documents? what if i get turned down by the J embassy"? Jolly I told you...) seem to rush back with more acuteness, -- an oddly, more vocabulary -- once Lady Tsuki settles high up in the sky...

And lucky me, it was full Moon a night ago. Told you I am blessed by the creatures of the night, I swear my brain is of vampire kind, no wonder I pretend to have claws....

More seriously...everyone has some anti-insomnia tricks religiously handed over by some caring grandma, and I am no exceptions, so here goes:
-hot milk
-hot milk with honey
-Sudoku (easy level)
-Sudoku (satanistic-esque level)
-Da Vinci Code (most boring read eeeeeever)
-staring at dark walls with eyes wide open
-txt monmon at sacrilegeous hours (aka early morning, PI time)
-waking up said mahal for further complains
-having a lot of said mahal
-go to the mayor (direct consequence of coffee and/or hot milk, honey or not)
-turning roundroundguruguru in bed
-haunting the house on tiptoes
-reading my eyes out over Stephen Kings novel, and see the night on Italics I swear you can feel Its presence, the Monster under your bed --- It's waiting for you like dog poop on a sidewalk --
-music listening
-TV broadcastings

nothing ever works, but TV or music, bless me....

So today, after about one hour of dire complains of how hanyous should be allowed in the highest spheres of society, or at least allowed a phonecall (see infra), I decided to give blogging a try. I bet I will only manage in getting you to sleep, haha, now you too have some grandma recipe about how-to-get-fast-asleep....

Aren't you happy? Huh?Huh? ^^

Okay, do not worry, I won't start counting sheeps right away in front of you, I might be expelled from Blogger for obnoxious spam (do be kindst, Ô readers, thou not report yer poor writersth).

On the other hand, if you have Mister Sandman's cellphone #, please leave a comment after the final dot.

DOT.

Calvin & Hobbes

2006-09-08T22:00:00.000+02:00

Calvin & Hobbes daily online

Because this always cheers me up! ^°^

A post that should not be here

2006-09-08T18:18:00.000+02:00

There are many kinds of venting out one's sad emotions, let's use that useless blog to get my heart a bit less heavy...

First of all, I won't cry. What the hell does it bring anyway? It only adds to the sad feelings,and will make me feel even more useless and stupid than I feel right now.

So to start with: can any English speaking people here confirm that a sentence like "We will contact you next week" actually means "we will contact you next week"? Because it seems that, to the guys I passed an interview with, it simply means "ah, let's not waste our time with her, she jinxed her test, anyway, why bother?". Work world is even harder that everything you could see on TV.

Tell me about superheroes that save the day, why don't they go and have some job interview for a change?

I am bitter yes. Not angry, not sad, just bitter. Because I really believed I might have a friggin' chance. To get that dream job at such a young age, yes, I confess, Your Honour, I really thought I had one small chance. You know, luck, good vibes, good references......Even my horoscope was promising me wonders, go figure. Be certain that on Monday they gonna hear me. I want them to tell me right in the face that I wasn't selected. And I will prepare my smile, since at that place, smile is the way to express, be it bad, or good news. You know, my organizer is soooooo full with job appointments, I cannot spend time with you, can I? Kidding. But I will call.

To tell you the truth, I really feel like crying my heart out right now. In spite of the bad complexion, and the puffy eyes it gives, not forgetting and the aura of weakness that goes along (thank you SSSSSSociety, for making SSSSSSurvivors out of uSSSSSS). I won't indulge though, and will swallow it all. What will become of me if I gave up at the slightest problem? You're talking to a daiforum mod here, who has gone thru a disbanding, tough members to deal with, and a hack 100% live....XD

I swear that in the next interview, you gonna see me all prepped up for hair to toes. If nice skirts and nice shoes and a pretty smile are needed to convince, then you can count on me. Bring on the blonde bombs, and see if I dread them. Then take my CV where I haven't said any lies. Then give me my chance, if you wanna test me out.

Aside from this...

Last Wednesday I went to Bxl, to take back some more stuffs. Had to drag it all by tramways, where I nearly got stucked: the driver simply closed the doors on me, while I was dragging things out. Had to shout at him, for him to stop. And the people around, they just stared with an annoyed look. They can go all mushy when they watch silly real TV shows, but face reality, and count how many out of them will help. Wait, maybe I stumbled across the only tramway in whole Bxl, full of unsympathetic people? (insert ironic smile here)

Ah well.

the only thing I don't like in all this, is that I must get myself tougher, so that I won't get swallowed by this ambient nastiness. I am too mild, too fragile, and my words do not fool me... I am appalled by how hard the world has become, and I try to fight back the most honestly possible. Sometimes, you know it is so hard... In any case, I do not want to lose my integrity. Or else, I coudl really say I have lost everything.

Enough with that nonsense post anyway.... Promised my Monmon not to cry, and to rest...I guess he is right (as he always is, I must admit)...

Yakusoku yo...

Anata o miss kita...

Anata o aishiteirunda yo ne....soredemo mondai wa dja nai nda yo ne....yosh! But please next time, do not let me worry the way I did tonight... it simply kills me inside...

2006-09-03T20:12:00.000+02:00

hmmm...

when will I ever write something jolly over here?

lol~

Yamato Nadeshiko

2006-09-03T17:49:00.000+02:00

It is an expression which means "perfect woman".

Will I ever be that woman one day?

Do I really have her smile?

gigs etc/

2006-08-20T10:06:00.000+02:00

the part i hate in concerts/gigs/bands performance is that it makes me worry too much.

makes me geting emo, and god knows i hate that genre//

doko ni, doko ni, doko ni, doko ni/

Inumon !!!!!

2006-08-13T21:04:00.000+02:00

It's finally out!!! ^*^

Follow the marvelous adventures of Monmon the Dark Magi, and Inu, moderator extraordinaire! ;)

InuMon!! The Love Chronicles:

Doggy Style:

Trolls hunting:

Shirak Inside:

Pucca: ANG CUTE-CUTE TALAGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!

Another thing that made me cry -that's cryday, baby-

2006-08-12T21:51:00.000+02:00

Recently the admin of Moleskinerie asked me if he could use one of my picture to illustrate some of his entries.

I am not even a photographer, so the fact that he chosen this picture, it made me feel a bit more valuable than the other days.

If such a thing can happen over the internet, then why not in real life?

Crying my heart out for friends

2006-08-12T21:27:00.000+02:00

I had some sad conversation today...As usual, a little detail wake some sad memories in me. I always think I got over them, but it seems that I am not strong enough.

This is about friendship. This is about my lack of "flesh and bones" friends, or the ability I have to loose them. Because I feel they do not understand me -- or is it the contrary, is it that I don't wanna realize I am a poor friend myself?

I wish I could change, I wish I could be the person I am on forums, and not only on forums. I wish I could be as easy-going, less shy. I wish I could talk to people, before they talk to me...

I think I gonna follow my mahal's advice: start an account on friendster, and build everything all over again. I just do not know how to do it. I create an account -- then what.

I had a somewhat bad experience on MySpace, maybe this wasn't just my place.

Why is it so difficult to go to people and talk? So difficult to go over that damn shyness ? I always dread places crowded with people, like parties, or even marriage. I always end up in a corner, watching as everyone is chatting along, lost in my thoughts, whising I'd be gone already. Why can't I be as easy-going in real life, asI am (I think) on forums? Why Why Why?

The only reason I can find to it is: on forums, I never feel compelled to prove I am different from the things I tell. On forums, I can explain I like rock or visual kei, without being dressed in some stereotypical fashion, no black pants, no pink hair.

I want things to change so bad...I don't wanna cry alone anymore. I am not asking to be the center of attention. No, just the courage to go and talk to people. And maybe make friends. Flesh and bone ones, this time.

Chocolate Land

2006-07-06T10:31:00.000+02:00

Meet Apprentice and Ichiban's story here at Chocolate Land !

A few pics...

2006-05-30T12:31:00.000+02:00

...in relation with the previous entry:

High school memories

High School/College stories

College/Work treasures

Reading a few comments below, I realise how I can get all emotional about a book I like, or dislike. More than with movies, or even facts of life.....

Bookshelves and other thoughts.

2006-05-25T17:02:00.000+02:00

It is always dangerous to wake up one morning, and then decide: okay, today I gonna put some order in my bookshelves. Too many stories that, beyond the printed words, have such more tale to tell. In general I can recall where I bought this book, why, where did I open its pages for the first time. Some books are about 20 years old.

Children stories I picked out from my mom's shelves. They actually are the only books she ever owned ever. Thing is, my folks are not book persons, and all I discovered was, so to speak, all by myself. Then, add some more kids book, "grown up "ones without images. They all now stand indisturbed in an old dish cupboard, up there in the attic. I seldom go there anymore, because I am afraid of ferrets (a common thing in old houses), and because seeing myself at 8, 9 year old, back there in our former house, former room is a thing i cannot take.

Then, back to current floor. Most of it, fiction stories, where good and bad books stand together with Russian dictionaries and a Catholic Bible. Here's the main shelf, standing in the middle of the room (thus making some convenient wall) with its Russian litterature (only for decoration, I have a rejection for it since the end of College), Japanese litterature, Tolkien, Stephen King, and some other misc. fictions, Harry Potter included. Also the diary of Anais Nin, and some Simone de Beauvoir. Nicola Sirkis' novels together with Kurt Cobain's diary. Rachel's tears, and gone with the Wind.

Behind this one, in between two doors (my room has three doors, and three windows), lies the comic section (the adventures of Tintin, completed), manga's (the third of 'em all), the Dragonlance serie, and a few DVDs. I am not much of a film person, I think I read more all in all.

And finally, the pristine sanctuary, leaning against the opposite wall: My first Bookshelve, the one my dad made (well actually, all bookshelves are made my dad, but this one was the very first, what a symbol). There lies all the French classics that acompanied my Highschool years. Hugo, Zola, Druon, Sade, Sartre, Pennac, Baudelaire, Proust, Flaubert, Voltaire, Yourcenar, Duras, Celine, Laclos, Labro; Stendhal, writers that had me love the beauty of a written sentence, and also taking the measure of my own limits (pretty limited ^^). Together with them, Auster, Eco, Goethe, Kundera, and later on, Dickens, Bronte, Alcott or Salinger...

And in the bottom of the shelf, a paperback copy of "Da Vinci Code", abandoned on chapter 99, out of boredom, I remember, about 2 years ago. The strange thing is that I can never give a book, or dump it, even if I hated it. Same goes with Sade's 120 journées de Sodome or Hugo's Quatre-Vingt Treize. Or some other books reminding me too painfully of persons I wish I could forget, but can't.

There's a mistery with bookshelves I cannot help but like: like a living memory, it keeps track of all my secrets, desires, or unspeakable thoughts, only know to me, and to those silent pages. A way to remind myself that's where I came from. And most of the time, no one but me know the importance of that "useless stack of faded paper".

And, as usual, the mess is still there: think I'll need another day to tide it up again.

Lame Joke

2006-05-21T17:30:00.000+02:00

- why is WinAmp the sexiest MP3 player in the world?

- because it has an "always on top" (ctrl+A) option ...

*giggles*

Da Vinci Hoax

2006-05-17T17:32:00.000+02:00

Da Vinci Hoax, the link here,
and another interesting link here

It only comfort me in the thought that this book is nothing but Bullsh!t.

False descriptions (Mister Brown didn't even checked the reality of what he wrote: believe it or not, but, for example, his description of the Saint-Sulpice church is absolutely inaccurate, looks like he didn't even check Google to at least get an accurate picture, or historical facts. Wait, 'till I get even more serious links to develop my ideas.

Not even talking about the Holy Grail thing, or the Maria Magdalene one, theories that have been written about aaaaaaaaaaaaaages ago, and 100 times better that this Joker. I am passionate about all things esoteric, religious or historical: believe me, any encyclopedia is much more worth a reading....

do I add my 2 cents to what is, in fact, nothing but a marketing coup?

I think that, to face the overall praising feeling ("have you read DaVinci Code? OMG that was totally AWESOME!!"), I feel like saying out loud that this book, beside the fact that it is a bore to read (and yes, I read it in English), is nothing more but a compilation of truncated truths, and bad thriller effects. And to those arguing that I am a poor writer myself, I will reply that I read enough books so far, to know what a good opus is (ever read "The name of the rose?" by Umberto Eco? Now THAT is a good book).

Congratulations, Mister Brown, you found the way how to ear a lot of money out of the people's credulity and lack of culture. Now, can you refund me the 11 euros I spent on your crap?

This said, I'd be happy to read comments by people loving this book. I really would like to understand what you are finding so great about it all....

And I promise I won't flame you

2006-05-16T13:39:00.000+02:00

seems like maison ikkoku has been retired from the editor's catalog..

reason?

either a lagal copyright one (the retailer explained that sometimes, the JApanese authors give a copyright for a fixed amount of years)

or the fact that the serie wasn'tr selling well...

so i chosen "Dragon Head" instead, I need to use my 35 euros credit anyway, and this, before i leave my office place....

the bookstore is at 2 minutes from there.....

Maison Ikkoku

2006-05-16T11:11:00.000+02:00

Decided to read that manga....

It's been one of my first anime, back in the 90's, and I have a tenderness for that serie...

Aside from that, i am pissed off beyond recognition, don't even ask why.

The sum of it all

2006-05-12T11:44:00.000+02:00

I am counting the days left working at my current office. Exactly 14. Then, I take the whole month of June as holiday. Doing nothing but forget about the tenants, the files, the problems, the toilet paper incidents, everything. Then , on June 11, I go abroad to reach my Monmon's arms.

And after that, well, we'll think about our future in the most useful way.

I want barbecues in the garden. I want to be with my family, since my friends are all abroad. I want idle times reading, or doing crosswords. I want to occupy my mind to anything, but work. Living that work life is like having a permanent stress over my shoulder. I am not a naive person, I know that any business place is like that, even worse, sometimes. I just do not have the physical strength to cope with everything now.

I honestly think I am dealing with a lot of stuff, and not that bad, all in all. I am semi independent, I can deal with a money budget easily, I am an all-task assistant (from phone calls to fixing the Xerox machine), and on top of that, I am a mod at a forum (a task I am taking too much at heart, sometimes, good thing there's the Tech team I can rely on...)

I wanna get a life all by myself and my fiance. I want us to be together, and having a life. I am scared about the future of my parents too. I know they are craving to leave to France, bt I feem like I am the only obstacle to their dream and it is eating me away, too... Plus they are now renting the house we live in, and I am afraid we might get expelled some day or other..(you never know with the landlords...)

I know some people are thinking I am a fool, that living a long distance relationship will lead me nowhere. It's been one year and a half now, and all I can say is that the people who know me told me I had changed. That I was happier, quieter, in a way, better. But then again, listen to everything that people say, and you would never do anything of your own life.

Just do what you think is right, and be at peace with your conscience. And if the persons disagree, well so be it. It work that way on a forum, so it is in real life.

Some call me an idealist, I know. But without ideals, you are condemmned to endlessly follow the general opinion, caught forever in cliches and deja-vu attitude. I will never be an exceptional person, but at least, I can tell that my choices were my owns.

Cadence Mystery

2006-05-10T11:13:00.000+02:00

My headphones died today, which prevents me from listening to my favourites web radio's.

And, too bad, the cable of my MP3 player is way too short to supply for the loss. (The tower being underneath my desk, I am so craving for a laptop)....

Which makes me enjoy the silence, overwhelming in that office that goes slowlier and slowlier, as days pass... so I do crosswords a lot (I am passionate with it, but my mind frame is not as witty as to switch to the highest levels), or any word games I can stumble across... I do Sudoku too, now that I got the trick, it amuses me to no end.... Talking about crosswords, I had the weirdest surprise yesterday...I bougth a new crossword revue, the kind of small one, able to hold in my purse.... I didn't check it, as usual, but when I opened it.... i realized that about 20 pages are missing. And that an unknown hand has filled a crossword, at page 19..... Hey that's no fair I thought...

I imagined myself rushing back to the vendor, hurling the revue at his head, screaming, "gimme my money back!" what would be the use anyway, I couldn't prove anything... So I kept it all, and started doing crosswords too, with that unknown handwriting accompanying me.... the person has a nervous writing, and filled the game with no pain: no blurts no erasing, all is neat and tidy...

Is it the vendor himself? Or some thief, who filled the games, then replaced the revue back on the store?

My fantasy mind cannot help imagining the weirdest explanations, it's like having someone watching you over the shoulder... I am just annoyed that the person (supposedly) remove the index pages...I woudln't have minded keeping his/her own games, all in all...

10 things about me that will make you think I'm a guy

2006-04-30T18:19:00.000+02:00

1) I hate shopping for clothes
2) I love tech gadgets, anime, manga and videogames (even if I am a lame gamer)
3) I never played with dolls
4) I never wears skirts when i go downtown (alone)
5) I seldom wear make-up
6) I like pocket knives and katana
7) I like watching football
8) I never buy any "women magazines", because talks about diet bores me to no end
9) romantic comedies are not my thing: I like KungFu better
10) I am a computer geek wannabe ^^

XD

obvious girly girly attitude, though:

1) I love anything's kawaii (Hello Kitty in particular)
2) I have the habit of waving my hands when I am talking
3) I giggle a lot
4) I wear high heels as I wear sneakers : comfy and with no pain
5) I like to cuddle, and being cuddled
6) I cry a lot (too much, imo)
7) I put some charms on my mobile phone, and I think it's cute
8) I love cooking, especially sushi and cupcakes
9) I like wearing rings, and have natural long nails
10) I am a bad driver.....

XDXD

Taximen and Madam's BMW

2006-04-27T17:17:00.000+02:00

Ordinary life, with ordinary troubles.

Back to down-to-Earth problems, to that office work I gonna leave soon, the uncertainties, what am I gonna eat tonight, that Sudoku puzzle I can't resolve (maths and I), an order to fetch tomorrow, our bathroom that isn't finished yet, angry tenants (now that's funny sometimes), a good movie, a good shower...

Dare I say, anything but virtual life, but there we go again, isn't a blog all 0's an 1's ?

Talking about real life: I got nearly crushed down by a taxi passing on the red signal yesterday. MAde the guy a "are you crazy" sign (yup, too nice to give him the Middle Finger, hey, I am a polite girl, who tries to tame the tomboy in her...). He just made a "get moving, chick" look, and I sloooooooooooooowly walked across the pedestrian lane (take that, smart boy).

I swear I have a nice Guardian Angel.

I think that from my way home to work, then back again I risk my life about hmmm 10 times. Not counting my lunch hour, which could dramatically increase the data. I even gave up listening to my player --far too dangerous--, and I consider any buildings entries as Hell's Gate.

And on top of that, my Angel is working overtime.

And right was I, since, not only 2 minutes after my encounter with Taximan, I nearly got taken by surprise, and by a Madam in BMW. Then again, I stand right in front of her nice car, until she backs off a bit. Angry look, and me smiling, I finally came back home.

In one single piece.

2006-04-26T14:12:00.000+02:00

I think we are "There" again.

Somehow the daiforum coming back was too good to be true, so did the Hacker believe.

Like I said, and after I stopped going from incredulity to panick to call for help to depressed mood to insomnia to worried to scared to calmed down again (and in that very order):

I just cannot understand.

"From there, and back again"

2006-04-24T13:39:00.000+02:00

To paraphrase my friend Bilbo, we are back again, and it is right here, right now!

I am no lone Moderator anymore, and I feel I can rest a bit more, at last...even though I know I will have a hard time to be less around this place I love so much...

Anyway, besides a nightmare, I can tell that I had a good sleep's night, the first in too many days...

A new forum, a new wallpaper, of course, still problems, but feeling quieter at last.

The control freak I am at times is still lying die-hard on the inside, i still feel its Ring of Power around my fingers....but they slowly give way...

And even know I am a bit cautious about all the new things in place, I feel proud and happy, most of it all, I feel that we proved our community was more than words....

To the Fantasy Brigade of our forum,
To my Love that never fail to love and support me, even when I was begging for his arms around my tired shoulder...,

I am glad to be there, and back again, with you !!

Ichiban~

2006-04-23T14:32:00.000+02:00

i tried to sleep a bit, but i am so under pressure that all i can do is worrying even more. i am tired and physically not good, but sleep won't come easy to me.

i am stressed out by all the uncertainties surrounding me...job, paper problems, lodging problem...i feel lost, completely unable to find which solution is best. if i am writing in here, it's to try and not crying, i do not wanna tell my parents about my worries, i do not want to worry them.

i feel so lonely...i wish my loev and i would be together, i feel so lonely without him....i wish i had at least friends to be with, but they are all scattered around, stuck with work, or living so far away from me.... i wish i could forget my troubles by working, but the situation at the office is the worst ever. i am leaving definitely this May 31, and i am sincerely longing for it. i can't support the uncertainties anymore, it's eating me away...

i do not want to open myself to my fellow forumers, they got their own problems, and i do not wanna be a burden to them.

i do not know what to do to do good...All i am wishing for is june 11, leaving from here, and reach my fiance. that's all i am wanting now.

i feel like i am fighting against walls, but either it's me getting weaker, or it's the walls getting thicker. i wish i could hit them with all my strenght, until they break down. i wish nothing could attain me, i wish i could hide my tears better.

2006-04-23T10:26:00.000+02:00

I know I shouldn't say that, but sometimes, I feel like giving it up.

Just gone through a hell of a week, where, from Monday to Thursday, it's been crap after crap. Crap at work, crap at the appartment, the feeling of losing everthing bit by bit, sometimes because of my own mistakes...Ah, lonely days and rainy aren't forever, I just need to get a grip, and stop worrying for nothing. So hard sometimes. I hate complaining, as a rule, well, not in front of the people that matter to me. To them I am the everlasting cheerful self everyone knows. Even if I cry on the inside, I keep on hoping. But the body does not always agree with the mind, and sometimes at night, I find myself crying away my uneasiness. As if all the stress, all the worries that build up around me end up catching up with me, and I cry cry cry cry cry cry cry...Sometimes without being able to stop it, see post below.

I am too senstive, too fragile, on some aspects. Is it a good or a bad, I couldn't tell...

Two days ago, the Guys asked me if I wanted to become an administrator...I really hesitated for a moment, but then I declined the offer. Not that it would annoy me, but I simply feel like I am not fitted to become a Boss. I like being a mod' best, that's what I like to do, that's what I can do. And that's what I am technically able to do. What if , in a few months, I don't have internet access anymore? Or at least, not as often as I have it now?I like better trust people I know they are good, and have time, instead of becoming a boss out of pure pride. I'd feel like losing my integrity, and putting on clothes I do not deserve.

Often, people tell me I should push myself forward a bit more. To show off what I am capable of. To prove I do exist, that I am not you ordinary girl. Beside of the fact that I think this is to preposterous an attitude, I do not see any benefit out of it...Or, yes, maybe, pay me twice my salary if you think I am fitted, I will say thank you, and think about my future the best I can. ^^

Anyways, let's forget about the worries, the hard times that are ahead. I just wanna face them one by one, with my Monchan. I don't want to ruin the rare moments when we can be together. He needs me as much as I need him. I envy his strenght, his calm. I envy his controlling of emotions, especially at work. I learn everyday from him, I don't know if he realizes it...And whenever I fail, I feel bad, I feel like I am not strong enough. Some say I want to be too perfect. I feel like everyone sees the best out of me, while I only see the defaults.

"It's okay to feel bad, if you keep your sanity", Monmon told me. I understood what he said so much that I couldn't find anything to reply. Sometimes I wish I had a punching ball, or someone to spar with me at martial arts, to get rid of all those stormy emotions I feel inside. That are running like wild horses in my veins. Even if I know they are part of what I am, that my cheerfulness is because of this hypersensibility. I am fighting a constant battle to even those opposites strenghs. I guess that sanity is being capable of naming them, of feeling them. Not taking drugs, or thinking about suicide. Always fight for life, as cliche as it might sound.

And on that, I can say that I am perfectly sane... ^^

I can't allow myself to be a crybaby. I must be strong, if I wanna get a chance to reach what I want. My boss is being an ass? So what? I am not the one whose company is going down, and whose wife has left the house. My collaegues are grumpy? so what? If they think that living single is an advantage, I can lend them my life for a week: waking up alone, eating alone, enduring their complains alone, saying thank you to their "pieces ofadvise", or annoying me with their daily ranting about kids, spouse, car, money, work, diet (worst part of it: try to be a 56 kg yound gal with no kids yet, and endure womanly worries about misplaced kilos...Arghhhhhhh), etc..........then getting home alone, eating alone, shower alone, and get asleep alone.

Ah well.

God bless Emails, SMS and Instant Messengers !!!!!!!!!

I got my airplane tickets booking confirmed, and paid. Three weeks at my honey's place. Time to rejoice, love and be loved, and also face the problems waiting ahead of us.

I simply cannot allow myself to be sad. On the contrary, I am thankful for every little moment of happiness. I may not be rich, or materially at ease, but at least I know what I want to do with my life.

Good thing harldy no one ever reads my blog: that way, I won't feel too bad about my weaknesses...

Panic crisis

2006-04-18T12:12:00.000+02:00

Pretty serious entry below, if anyone already had that kind of annoyance, please feel free to share, it would help me a lot…

* * *

I had the bad surprise of having one last night.

And I talk here of the physical emanation of it, not only the rhetorical aspect.

It all started with a general uneasiness, heavy head and lack of energy the whole day long. And being on the verge of tears a good part of the day. Somehow, a slight event triggered it…..In this case, the lack of central heating when coming back home, late at night.

I start to cry at 9 PM. I don’t know how to exactly explain how it happened….think about irrational fears, and worries, added to your current little troubles, there you get the picture… I called my mom, in tears. Told her I was dead cold and absolutely down. She advised me to take some warm shower, then go to bed, maybe taking a warm tea. So did I. The hot water mixed up to my tears, and my trembling a little. I started to tell myself to calm down, to get a grip, that I was gonna be fine….But the tears didn’t go away, on the contrary, the more I was trying to reason myself, the more irrational fears, such as feeling lonely, abandoned, and absolutely helpless.

Got out of the shower, feeling a bit warmer, but still in tears. Dragged myself to the kitchen, and made some herbal tea….Finally, after one hour, I could get a grip on my emotions. The sensation of panic still lingering, though. At least, I could reason myself better. Tears are no use anyhow, Inu, so stop torturing yourself with ideas (jolly things like “what if my beloved gets hurt in an accident?” “what if our landlords kicks my parents out of their (our) house?” “what if….”) that I can’t control anyway.

Crying is tiring, too (that’s why I hate it), and, the lingering of the hot shower helping, I finally snuggled in bed….to finally hear the central heating function again… (at 10h30 PM, what a shame)

Got an SMS of my beloved round midnight…I can say that it helped me dozing off for good…

* * *

Aside from the drama story, I browsed the internet today, to see if what I endured yesterday was out of too much of imagination, or had medical causes whatsoever

It comes out of my search that panic crisis, are, indeed, a medical affection, and generally, it happens to people that are in general nervous, or hyper-emotive (yay, and I think I win on those ). I recognized some aspects pretty clearly (happening at night, a feeling of terror, and of falling into madness), although really faintly.

I am glad to realize that I have only faint symptoms, and that I can control it at the end (I mean, I do not have “death thoughts”, and I perfectly realize that my fears are irrational)

But still, if I could find a way to prevent that kind of hyper sensibility, I would be really glad. But I do not want to “kill” myself, I mean, to lose the positive aspects of this sensibility. I want to keep my cheerful self always, even if it means that nights alone will never be my friends.

* * *

I know that, when I am with my Monchan, I never ever suffer of this disagreement ^^

He is my best medicine ^^

Addendum

2006-04-17T11:25:00.000+02:00

Just read my friend's entry, about racism, it brought me to tears.

All I want to say is:

F*** YOU ALL, RACIST PEOPLE !!

Who do you think you are?????????????

Do you really think that being white-washed makes you superior to other people? I have no words to tell you how. I. loathe. you. How I despise you.

I've been confronted to a kind of racism too. People talking behind my back, about the fact that my fiance is Filipino.
So what, you crazy stubborn people? How dare you judge someone you do not even know, never met before? How dare you see yourself as superior? How DARE you comment about my own personal private choice, when you do not even have the courage to tell me all your filthy thoughts right in my face?

Do you think that I am fooled by your smiles? Or that I do not see the contempt behind your blank words? Go to Hell.

Same to you, little Missus, daring treating my friend like that. I tell you what, Missus: I have been knowing him for about three years now. THREE years, and I trust his like my brother. Do you understand that?

I hope one day you will know the taste of betrayal, or being despised. I hope that some of your fellow white washed precious friends will have you endure this feeling.

I am ashamed to be white myself, when I learn that some blockheads like you still exist on this planet.

Thank you very much, for it's gonna be my first flaming entry since I opened this blog. I am generally a nice, and polite person. But there are things I just cannot get.

Nor accept.

EVER.

I don't want to talk about me

2006-04-17T11:18:00.000+02:00

I don't want to tell you how I feel.
I dont want to tell you how much I miss him.
I don't want to tell you why I cry sometimes, alone in the dark (and it is not a cliche sentence, I really do)
I don't want to tell you that I met pure evil about a week ago.
I don't want to tell you that the only thing I want now, is flying away from here, and reach his arms.

I won't tell you anything about that.

Unless you ask me to.

armaggedon

2006-04-11T12:23:00.000+02:00

last login, Friday, April 7th, 11h30 PM

"you don't have permission to access this website, please contact the administration team"

wtf i am part of it!!

then i realized. DoAsInfinity was not there, someone was messing around with his cyber-identity. Then started the whole bad movie

you know, in those high tech' catastrophe flicks, when the hero watch helplessly his computer, unable to react? well i am no hero, but i seen this bastard moving around the threads, then erasing them, one by one

ONE BY ONE

AND FUCKING ENJOYING IT

deleting about 2 years of a life that is maybe now gone forever

no time to cry, think quick, and beg out for help. MSN first. 2DL then. commenting along with other members what was going under our eyes, made it real, too real. sending emails, happily welcoming old friends attempting again and again to login. just a peak at his IP, please let me just see his IP

trying as a last resort to understand, to try and talk (no use). to realize the sad irony, too...the banners getting banned, and 13 640 good reasons to hate an unknown person.

the lack of sleep, the nightmares, waking up with a headache, and realizing in one click it was not a joke.

Forum has been hacked and for good

putting all the wildest hopes in the bunch of people that quickly accepted to give their time and effort freely, working together to the restauration of our home. watching them helplessly, and trying to be of some use, linking people...And on the background, wondering away WHEN THE HELL something went wrong

where there signs i didn't notice?

was it a pure case of bad luck, just a bastard that needed some fun?

what are the decisions to take, the best ones, in that state of emergency?

and still, believing in humans being, telling myself i was right to trust some of them. that behind the words of friendship, there is real friendship

that this is not a battle in vain

My Worst Enemy is Myself

There and Back Again

Inu World

My Makeup Things

Addiction

Links update

Chinese portrait

It's a Pon Pon World

modern wizardry

don't lose hope :)

Idol Talk

*sigh*

Loco Roco

My two cents...

happysad

work-in-progress...

Marie Digby

To:Hubby, Ainne, Andrew, Che, Chris, Jhuly, Jon, Lay, Miki, Seng, Shine, Tammy, Tin, Chas, Shaun, Shoe.....

The Golden Compass

There & Back Again

SONGBIRD !!!!!

to my friend Tammy :)

nothing much to say...

Maligayang Kaarawan Jhuly !!!!!!!!!

Recording Session 01-02 September 2007

Eye to Eye

Eye Candy

I just want to go home

Little things that make me wonder

Geek

Fear of darkness

sickness

Nathalie

testing new template

Grima Lowe Cathedral

Penelope Jolicoeur

The Wheel of Time

LOL

Insomnia

2 years !

Wanted !!!

The way it all begun ^*^

"After Dark" by Murakami Haruki

Counting Sheep

[Quoted by ...]

Eh?

Funny facts

Les Bienveillantes

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

Christmas loot

Blogger upgrade !!

*aouch* *aouch* *aouch*

16:37 PM

1/3 no Junjou na kanjou

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

a magic eraser

Daily Mood

I'm a barbie girl, in a magic world

Honey !! I am your Keira Knightley !!

Remember

good day

... --- ...

*low battery signal*

To Claire

Sunday, gloomy Sunday...

GTO

while listening to Miyavi...me, again

Calvin & Hobbes

A post that should not be here

Yamato Nadeshiko

gigs etc/

Inumon !!!!!

Another thing that made me cry -that's cryday, baby-

Crying my heart out for friends

Chocolate Land

A few pics...

Bookshelves and other thoughts.

Lame Joke

Da Vinci Hoax

Maison Ikkoku

sigh

aouch aouch aouch

low battery signal